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Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

(292 Posts)
dontrunwithscissors Fri 07-Jun-13 00:30:40

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless. sad

kizzie Sat 20-Jul-13 20:28:58

So hard at the moment :-(.

I'm sure you know really that you've got to be honest with the drs. You've got to give yourself a decent chance to get better for both you and your children.
The last couple of weeks must have been horrendous for you but it's only actually a few weeks since you were well enough to even contemplate going to US on your own - and you will get back to that - but you've got to give yourself a fighting chance.

kizzie Sat 20-Jul-13 20:25:13

dontrun I'm so sorry I've only just seen this - for some reason i couldn't see that you had replied.
Anyway - I'm sorry it's all so hard at the m

whethergirl Fri 19-Jul-13 23:02:59

sad I'm not sure what to say dontrun. Either you speak honestly to the docs about how you're feeling, or I guess you'll take another overdose. If you die, then yes, all your pain and suffering as you know it, will end. On the other hand, all the pain and suffering will then be passed on to your dcs, who will forever be affected by your death.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 19-Jul-13 09:56:50

Lied through my teeth to the psych last night. Came home intending to take another overdose but actually slept quite well. I think I was so exhausted. Eugh.

dontrunwithscissors Fri 19-Jul-13 01:28:02

Just home from a and e after overdose. Am ok. Shattered and so fed up.

dontrunwithscissors Wed 17-Jul-13 13:36:42

hi kizzie, not so good, unfortunately. I've just posted about last night--took a too few many tablets and really torn over what to do. Just feeling very unsteady and not with it right now. Really fvcked off with myself for being so stupid.

kizzie Wed 17-Jul-13 13:33:24

How are you doing today dontrun - ive just seen your other thread about samaritans. x

kizzie Mon 15-Jul-13 22:42:41

You DID do amazingly to cope in America.

But that doesnt mean that you dont deserve help now.

You're not a failure in anyway - thats just the illness giving you false messages. You need some help to get over this hump.

whethergirl Mon 15-Jul-13 22:08:18

Thing is, the CMHT are not mind readers, although it is worrying that they tend to take things as face value. When I was severely depressed, I would put on a front whenever I'd see anyone from the CMHT - I think maybe part of illness was that I couldn't admit to having it or not actually realising how depressed I was. Even feeling suicidal became normal to me, although I knew to keep it a secret, which made me more obsessive about it.

However, you did manage brilliantly in the US, no doubt about that. You were at your lowest point and you still came on here for support, and you still made it back home. So they are right there. It wasn't an illusion, I can vouch for that. How can you possibly be a failure? You are ill.

This is serious. If you are seriously considering an OD, then think of it this way; you have a life threatning illness. Therefore you need to be treated, and you have the best chance of success if you are completely honest with your symptoms.

Keep talking to us Dontrun. This is truly horrible what you're experiencing. But believe that you won't always feel this way, and when you feel better, you'll look back and I can 100% guarantee you'll be glad you didn't OD.

I know that if I could travel back in time, I would find myself with handfuls of pills and tell me that although it feels like the right thing to do, it is definitely very wrong. If your future self could speak to you right now, she would give you a big hug, tell you it's going to be alright and tell you to get proper help, and she would beg you not to OD.

dontrunwithscissors Mon 15-Jul-13 20:12:10

Problem is that everyone at the CMHT were saying how well I'd managed in the US and how brilliantly I'd bounced back.

I feel like x100 a failure that it was all an illusion and I haven't handled it at all. sad Really struggling tonight with plans for an OD.

kizzie Mon 15-Jul-13 16:38:41

dontrun please tell them how you are feeling. The physical pain must just feel like the straw that broke the camels back :-(
If you can get the mental health issues calmed down a bit it will just make everything feel more manageable.
And you were much better mentally just a short while ago as you were able to even contemplate your US trip.
Things will get better but please do tell Dr so they can support you. Its too much to try and do it all on your own.

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 23:13:04

dontrun I'm sorry that you don't feel you can open up to your doc, I think that might be partly due to you being physically/emotionally/mentally exhausted.

Could you write it all down, all your symptoms - physical and mental...copy and paste what you've written here even and email to your doc? He really does need to know.

I'm so glad you feel able to come on here and vent, you are able to express very clearly how you're feeling in writing, so I would urge you pass this information on to your doc.

I'm sure your joint pain is not helped by how low you are feeling, which could easily make you more susceptible to pain. And then the pain won't help with how you're feeling...bit of a vicious cycle. Fwiw I think you're having to put up with a lot right now and you must have amazing strength to be going through this. Of course it feels shit, no-one could go through this with a smile on their face! But things can be so different, your doc needs to know what is going on with you so that he can do his job and get you better.

dontrunwithscissors Sun 14-Jul-13 16:49:55

I saw my doc this week but wasn't much good at really saying what was wrong so he doesnt know. II don't see my him again until the end of August and the CPN is on leave until the end of this month.

The joint pain has been there for two years. Weve tried lots of things over that time, including other meds, but they didn't work for my mood and i was in a terrible state. (Much worse than recently.) I've been told its unlikley there is anything else that will work as well so I put up with the pain, and take cocodamol every four hours. Unfortunately, sometimes it really flares up and nothing works. I used to run and do yoga, but haven't been able to for over a year.

My sleep is fine--sleeping too much, really, as I'm constantly exhausted and feel like I'm wading through mud.

Gutted that I'm back to making plans, but trying to cope as I don't feel like I can ask for help.

kizzie Sun 14-Jul-13 12:43:05

Sorry you're still feeling so rough :-(. Tbh I would have been surprised if you suddenly felt ok after having such a terrible time in American and then needing to adjust dosage.
I really hope everything settles in the next few days. Are you speaking to Dr etc - don't try and struggle on alone while you wait for everything to calm down flowers

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 00:09:46

How's your sleeping now?

whethergirl Sun 14-Jul-13 00:09:23

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this, I was hoping you were feeling much better by now. What has your doctor said?

The joint pain sounds awful, on top of everything else. I'm sure you feel you've had enough now, but your doctor really needs to get to the bottom of this. What you have is treatable, the medication might just need tweaking.

I'm truly sorry you're feeling so terrible, I can't imagine how each day must seem like a struggle. I hope you are getting lots of support.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 13-Jul-13 16:56:33

Just venting.....I haven't managed to shake the feeling low/wading through mud since I hit back. Now I'm dropping down again. Open my eyes each morning and think 'crap, I'm still here'. Dtarting to feel suicudal again and all that shit.

And to make it even better, the increased med dose is back to causing the side effect of joint and muscle pain to the point that painkillers are only partly working and I have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees.

SugarandSpice126 Tue 02-Jul-13 01:22:32

Checking in again, let us know how you're getting on if it helps.

Do you know why it didn't occur to them that the different timing of medication would affect you this much? I hope they took your experience and advised other patients could stop someone else going through what you did.

By the way, I hope you had a lovely wedding anniversary! I forgot to say that before. You sound as though you have such a lovely family.

whethergirl Mon 01-Jul-13 23:52:13

dontrun I am so glad that your pdoc got to the bottom of this and that you'll have a plan for future trips.

How are you feeling in yourself now? Did he say how long it would take for you to feel back to your usual self?

kizzie Mon 01-Jul-13 11:01:23

So glad that you have a clear way forward for any future trips if needed - and that things are starting to settle down :-)

dontrunwithscissors Sun 30-Jun-13 15:11:08

Work would know because they would be paying for it. (No way I could pay for it myself). I think that saying in advance I need medical care would invalidate the insurance they supply as the condition is that I am in full health when I leave. (If that makes sense.)

I guess it would be hard for immigration to know, but I would effectively by lying when I completed the ESTA as it asks you if you have a mental disorder that could present a hazard to myself/ anyone else. Ultimately, though I don't think this will be a problem again. Having spoken again to pdoc, he is confident that this all came down to a problem with the timing of the medication, and there's no reason to think it will happen again. He's also said he can provide some PRN while out there to make sure my sleep doesn't go to pot. It's a relief to have a fairly straightforward answer.

HoneyandRum Sat 29-Jun-13 20:48:36

How would anyone know you are accessing confidential medical services? Could you pay cash while you are there? I lived in the US for 12 years and it is relatively easy to access the kind of support you would be looking for.

dontrunwithscissors Sat 29-Jun-13 11:17:50

Yes I'm certainly going to have a plan with pdoc. Perhaps emergency meds. Contact with MH services over there can't happen for a couple of reasons, not least the issue of cost. My Uni will not let me go if I were to suggest that I need medical attention out there. Plus it will raise problems with getting a visa waiver. That was one reason I held out without help over there. But pdoc was hopeful that it could be managed and just knowing the reasons will help if things go wrong. My DH is also talking about trying to come out with me, although not sure my parents could manage the kids. Anyway, it's not going to be until November at the earliest so I can shelve it for now, I guess.

My lovely sister has take both kids out so me and DH can spend some time together as its our wedding anniversary. So hoping my first venture outside will be for a nice meal somewhere.

HoneyandRum Sat 29-Jun-13 07:56:23

In the future if you go back to the US you can plan before you go and find a psychiatrist in the area you will be traveling to. Talk to her/him before you go and have a plan - maybe they can also arrange to call you on a regular basis or email. If you will be in a university setting you can contact the university mental health services. I would plan on meeting with a mh worker within the first 48 hours of arrival so they can help you monitor your meds. This will all be confidential and will not affect your career.

You can also continue contact with help fom the UK so you have plenty of support and understanding.

SugarandSpice126 Thu 27-Jun-13 20:12:37

I'm so glad you seem to be doing a bit better, dontrun. It's good you've had a lightbulb moment with the Agomelatine, that makes so much sense.

Pleased to hear the cpn meeting went well, even if you were shaking! No-one would expect you to be calm straight away, and you're doing so well bit by bit. And it's ok that you haven't left the house yet. As you say, it is early days and you will get there. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Hold on to that little bit of light - you have so much to live for and I'm so happy you seem to be turning a corner.

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