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So desperate

(5 Posts)
EstelleGetty Mon 27-May-13 12:49:41

I've posted about this before, so maybe I'm not really seeking advice, just a hand to hold.

I've suffered with anxiety for years and I'm now 27. A lot of my anxiety revolves around an obsession I've got with smoking. I smoke about 7-8 a day at work, but hate myself for it. I used to be able not to do it at weekends, because my anxiety felt more under control, but since the run up to my wedding last year, my anxiety's got so much worse again. About a year ago, I started to feel a strong urge to smoke at weekends and it scared me so much. After a few months sneaking out and feeling really anxious, I managed to get a bit better. I wore nicotine patches on my honeymoon to hold off any cravings, and have been wearing them every weekend since.

But lately I've been feeling like they're not enough. I don't know if the effect can lessen over time, or your body gets used to them. I wouldn't have thought so, because the patches provide nicotine for up to 20 cigarettes, and I don't smoke that much on my smoking days.

But my anxiety is through the roof again. I smoked all day yesterday and am smoking today. I hate myself for it, and DH hates it. He hates seeing me let it control me, and all the guilt I have about it. I tried to stop properly 3 years ago and got so anxious I was suicidal.

DH has so much stress in his life, so much on at work. His weekends are meant to be relaxing, but I'm fucking them up. I ruined his birthday by feeling like this. I see no way out, no future. Everything scares me. He's so stressed, I left him at home crying. I came into my office because I couldn't be in the house anymore. Who does that to their husband when he's so upset? I just wanted to be out of there, to be alone, to smoke.

I feel the time might be coming to admit that there's no future for me and DH. I am not the wife he needs or deserves. We wanted to have children, but I know I'll never stop smoking and I'll never be a good mother. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, because this pain is too much. Sorry for the rant.

Bexicles Mon 27-May-13 13:02:17

Estelle, I don't smoke so can't really give you any practical advice re stopping smoking, but have you tried hypnosis? You could try yoga to lessen your anxiety. Also I'm know some fantastic mothers who do smoke, my mum smoked 20 a day! You are being very hard on yourself.

EstelleGetty Mon 27-May-13 13:13:31

Thank you for replying, Bexicles - I have tried hypnotherapy, but it didn't work. Yoga is definitely something I'd look into. I'm just so scared of this feeling - like there's no future and things will never be OK. DH has had to deal with his own MH issues in the past and I feel this is too much for him.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 27-May-13 18:41:14

First off, I dont smoke.
And not sure if I replied to your posts before?

Have you been to the doctor about smoking?
But maybe, this has more to do with general anxiety, than the smoking. And if you managed to not smoke, you would use something else in it place?

EstelleGetty Tue 28-May-13 15:53:24

Hi Ilike, yes, you have very kindly replied to my posts before. I know I'm just posting the same thing, but the anxiety won't go away and I just need to vent sometimes.
The doctor keeps telling me not to worry about the smoking, put it to the back of my mind, but it really is an obsession. Today I just feel haunted by memories, wishing I could have brought my DH more happiness. I wish I could find a med that worked. I think I'll make an appointment with the GP.

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