I just cant cheer up lately.

[Jenswish]

This is probably just a bit of a rant and rave and a way to let how I'm feeling out. Feel free to post but I dont expect anything. I just had to say it somewhere.

I hate my life at the moment. I hate that my house isnt finished after starting to decorate in February.

I hate my job but I cant seem to get a new one dispite trying. I get told about interviews about a day before and cant get the time off work cos my boss is a bitch. Everytime I ask for time lately I get told "You've got no holiday's left so technically I dont have to let you have the time" She constantly bitches about everything I do and talks to me as tho i'm stupid and below her. I cant deal with it and am fed up of having to bit my tongue in case I offend her or get fired.

I want to take some time off as I'm sure I'm either suffering from depression or getting damn close to it but I cant afford it. Even when I'm working full-time we can barely afford the things we need.

I've been trying to have a child for nearly 2 yrs since my mc but everything keeps getting in the way. I left my job, DP got fired from his, buying house, changing jobs again, money!

Everyday I wake up wondering whether I'm going to get past the day without crying. I'm sitting in work today and have been to the toilets 4 times so no-one can tell (as if they'd care anyway)

This has only been happening over the past few days but has got worse over the weekend as it is now coupled with excruciating migraines (or I think thats what they are, never had them before) and diarhea.

I just feel that I cant take it anymore.

Thanks for listening.

[pussycatmomma]

jen!!!!! ((((((((((((hugs darlin!))))))))))
oh you poor love, it sounds as if you are certainly having it a bit rough at the moment babes. I really feel for you. Someone will come along in a moment to make you feel realistically better but i just wanted to give you a hug and tell you it wont always feel this way. From someone who has been round the ol' mill a few times herself, id say to myself "this too will pass" , only thing that gets me through sometimes. But just remember.....
Never cry for the lack of the sun,
Your tears wont allow you to see the beauty of the stars......

It probably all feels a bit much right now, but you have come through so much just recently, and you and your dh must have a strong, loving relationship, you are blessed in that way hun. No matter how hard life gets just think of your friends, family, and the things you DO have.... I know you have been working incredibly hard on your house, you might still have some to do but look how far you have come! Building your own little nest around yourself, surely that can make you feel a little bit more secure about your place in the world?
As for work, do what i (and probably alot of rest of working population ) do - basically smile, say yes and think "bollocks". Work can be great but most times its hum drum, and when you have bitchy women around you it can be the pits. Just remind yourself you go to work so you and dh can build a lovely life for yourselves, and while they may have your physical being for 8 hrs a day (or whatever) that they can never truly have your mind!!! ive been sat at work this morning doing my stuff but have been relaxing on a beach in cornwall in my mind!! do whatever it takes, but dont let the bastards grind you down.............
As i said someone more eloquent will be along in a minute but this is ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))from pusscat x x x x x x x

[NatalieJane]

Awww hun :(

You are doing all of the right things to get yourself out of this, you have made a plan to get the house finished, and you are at least getting interviews.

I think your next stop should be your GP (no more excuses!) if only to get some stronger pain killers for the migraines, and maybe he can do something about the diarhea, although I should imagine the diet of take outs and ready meals whilst the house is upside down isn't helping there.

As for the baby, like we spoke about last week, you need to work out exactly what you want to do about it. Looking at how you are feeling now, I would say to have a break, at least this month, get some of your life back on the straight and narrow, sort out the house, see where these interviews are leading to, let the pain killers sort out your migraines, I know at the moment it seems like everything is about to crash down around your ears, but you have so much going on at the moment it is hardly surprising you are getting out of your depth.

Look at the house with fresh eyes, remember how exciting it was at the start when you first got the keys, and you were both really going for it to get the house finished? You need to kick up some of that energy again, don't think about it, just do it! I think once you have the house sorted so you have somewhere to 'retreat' to after a day in the office with your boss, you will feel much better. At the moment there is no down time, get the house sorted, I know that will mean things may seem worse before they get better, but I bet once you get back into the swing of decorating, it will fly by, before you know it the house will be done, things won't be as tight money wise because the house won't be swollowing it all, hopefully you will tart eating properly again so your health will pick up, you will be able to concentrate whole heartedly on the new job, and then you will be able to decide about a family, it is better to wait a bit than to rush into it, and then regret it after!

It is going to take courage and energy to get yourself straight, but you deserve it so stick with it!!! And even if you have to turn into a nagging fishwife get your DP's arse in gear as well, don't let him drag you back, tell him how you are feeling, you both need to go forward now!

Anyway I hope someone else can help you better than I can!

Chin up love xxx

[Jenswish]

Thanks PCM,

I've tried to bite my tongue when she's a bitch. I've tried looking on the brightside but then I cant help but go straight back down.

I know I'm lucky to have DP and in that respect I think I am the luckiest woman alive but theres so much more I want.

I dont have anyone else to talk to, I find myself time and time again wandering up the stairs to talk to the rats about it.

I find myself really ugly and fat but cant be bothered to do anything about it no matter how many times I've tried.

Theres just soooo much going on in my head, depressing me that I just cant find a way out of the pit and its horrid.

[pussycatmomma]

jen have posted for you on chat thread chick x

[wuzzlefraggle]

jen.... ((((hugs)))) i am so sorry to hear how badly your feeling chick
i dont really have any proper advice like the others (im crap at advice), but there was no way could i let this thread go by and not let you know that I'm thinking of you xoxoxoxoxoxox just remember that we all think that you are an absolute star xoxoxoxoxox

[laughalot]

it might nmake you feel a bit better