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Suicidal an pregnant

(14 Posts)
Cakeisyummy Tue 14-May-13 08:11:58

I don't know where to start really, I guess from the beginning..

I will start off saying, I would never harm myself or my unborn there are just many thoughts going through my head at the minute....

I am 4months preg with DC2... I have DC1 to a previous relationship and know this story oh so well I feel so vulnerable. And let down. My boyfriend of 1.5 years has left me.

We found out I was pregnant and he asked me to get an abortion, I refused, I had one last year and have never gotten over it, he decided to stay with me. He now wants the baby but I think he felt trapped... We are 22. We have been on the rocks for a couple of months arguing alot, I fly off the handle very easily and get worked up over STUPID things... Although they obviously wernt stupid at the time... He moans at me for stopping him going out with friends and going off on holiday, why would anyone who's preg want they're partner going of on holiday?
I love him more than anything in this world and feel so alone and vulnerable, my first child's father left me very early on in my child's life which I found so hard I have issues with being alone and I'm so scared of it, it's so hard. I have became so dependant on my now ex boyfriend that I feel as if my legs have fell off. He left yesterday and refused to speak to me, he stayed at his mums last night and when I did speak to him he said he's not been happy for a while, if I wasn't pregnant he wouldn't have stayed this long and he just wants to be on his own but be there for when the child is born. I have suffered PND with my last and feel I have fallen back in to that again.

I have no job and soon to be two kids, on my own, at 22. My family are great but they can never imagine what I'm going through, last night I bled a little and was so scared this was making me lose the baby, however that has subsided and when I spoke with him last night he thought I'd made it up to speak to him... I can't believe he would say that. Although now I am feeling very desperate.

I want him back. And I want him to want me and the baby, I just don't know how to do ot, I have said I will speak to GP I do clearly need some form of counselling although speaking to a professional scares me.... He said its too late. He told me his parents are not happy with his decision and I don't know weather I should contact his mum. More people have been through worse but he doesn't see that... God my heads everywhere, I feel dispare, loneliness, depression,

I just need words of advice, what I should do, some sort of help. I just can't see how I can come back from this... I just want to speak to him to his face...confusedconfusedconfused

Ikabod Tue 14-May-13 08:50:29

Hello Cake, I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time at the moment. First of all, you need to call your midwife ir GP about the bleeding and ask for counseling. Second, your partner clearly needs space right now, even if it's hard for you. If you keep trying to speak to him, you'll push him further away. I'm guessing he's the same age as you? In which case in his mind he should still be out having fun with his mates. He's an individual but it sounds like you need him to be the person you need him to be rather than how he sees himself. I'm not condoning his behavior, just trying to explain it. You also need to speak to your folks. I'm sure they would feel awful if they found out what you're going through but didn't turn to them - they love you, let them care for you. Finally, you are in charge of your life, not your partner, not anyone else. If you think of yourself as a "victim" or as dependent on others then you are! Do you want that? I doubt it! You really need to try to think of yourself in more positive terms. This takes time and it's gradual, so start with stuff you know. You're a mum! That's really cool. I wish I was a mum! You're aldo 22 and have the whole of your life ahead of you - that's really exciting! You're at an age when you can do anything. Look for role models - successful single mums who achieve stuff every day because they've taken charge of their lives, and those who have gone on to huge success - you can do that too!

whatever you do, don't think you're stuck where you are now forever. I know that when I've hit rock bottom I can use it to push myself up and swim back to the surface. And don't allow yourself to keep getting in these abusive relationships. It up to you to protect yourself and your kids from selfish a***holes who run home to mummy when things get tough!

Decoy Tue 14-May-13 09:52:28

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I would agree with Ikabod that it would be a good idea to talk with your GP and midwife. They are there to support you, and if you feel you're depressed then it's much better to treat this sooner rather than later. Will you make an appointment today?

Do you have supportive friends around you? Might it be helpful to join a support network? Gingerbread, the organisation for single parents, have get-togethers where you can meet other single parents locally to you, and make new friends. I'm sure the Health Visitor would also also be able to advise on local groups where you can meet others, or maybe a PND support group.

Let us know how you get on.

Cakeisyummy Tue 14-May-13 10:48:19

I have spoken to family and they are very supportive, although it seems to not be helping. At the end of the day they all have their own families to deal with and I will be on my own no matter what. I'm very much struggling to come to terms with this.

Trying to stay active for the sake of my first child I came to supermarket to do shopping and had to run out half way through in floods of tears.

His mother text me to ask how baby was after last nights scare, I told her and she wished us well, but that's it, no question of our situation... I feel so alone and just need him to realise what he's doing, it's nearly 11am and he's not yet text or called... I need him to face me, but he won't. God It is so much worse 2nd time around. I don't know how to approach the GP or how easy it is for me to get counselling I don't know how the NHS works with that?

So alone in a busy place.. How typical sad

Decoy Tue 14-May-13 11:54:20

To approach the GP you'd just phone and make an appointment the same as usual. When you get there and they ask how you are, say that you'd like to talk about the way you are feeling. They will see patients with this sort of problem often and will ask you more questions and take it from there. The GP and Health Visitor really are very used to this, and will have helped many women like yourself before. The main thing is just to take the first step in contacting them, to get you on the road to recovery.

Counselling on the NHS may involve a waiting list but you might as well get on the list now if you feel you may still benefit from counselling when your turn comes round. In the meantime the GP and Health Visitor will have resources and advice for you.

Hoophopes Tue 14-May-13 21:41:19

Hi you can talk to your midwife and if your area has a mental health midwife she can refer you to her and she can help support you as you are pregnant and have had pnd as well as the other sufgestions

Hoophopes Tue 14-May-13 21:42:04

I suggest midwife as nhs have long lists but if pregnant the mental health midwife will see you quicker!!

Cakeisyummy Tue 14-May-13 23:17:29

Thank you hoop, I have not yet made that step... Hopefully I pluck up the courage tomorrow...

I am now at the point of despair where I don't know if I can continue this pregnancy. I'm 4 months and I love this baby more than anything. But I have barely coped alone with my first due to the circumstances.... the thought of a second time is so hard, I don't want to take a life, but my first child deserves the best start in life, and for me to take that away from him, I just don't think I could cope, I don't think I could deal with the financial strain or the emotional strain of a baby on my own or the fact I will and I know I will unintentionally lose grips of my first child and he will be neglected. This is how I am feeling at the minute. I feel like I'm in such a dark tunnel. I didn't think I would again be in this position. And everything is my fault. I'm such a horrible person and a shit mother. Relying on a man, pfft. I hate myself for it. I can't control this and I don't know what I'm doing I feel so desperate. sadsadsadsadsad

I just feel like I can't go on. I need to figure out what's best for everyone.....

Cakeisyummy Tue 14-May-13 23:18:36

I feel sick reading everything I have just written but I need to tell someone even if its people I never know or will know.

I'm such a coward. And he still won't speak to me....

Decoy Wed 15-May-13 00:12:51

So much of your post above sounds like the symptoms of depression talking. Being in a dark tunnel, feeling everything is your fault and you're a bad person etc.

Please do phone the GP or midwife. I know it's hard but don't put it off. It's the one small step which will get you started on your recovery sooner rather than later.

Hoophopes Wed 15-May-13 08:51:37

Hope you can talk to your midwife today. And why not contact your health visitor and have a really honest chat. there is support she could put you in contact with which may help with your circumstances, such as looking at providing funding for your older child for nursery to help you bond with child number two, homestart help - whatever is in your area, as well as groups for you to go to for support.

Decoy Wed 15-May-13 09:06:09

How are you today OP?

Cakeisyummy Wed 15-May-13 09:33:25

I am very much the same, if not worse, I barely slept last night I kept waking up in panic, my son wakes at 630 so no chance of me being able to have a nap...

I am not managing this situation very well and looking at our newly bought steriliser in my room and the baby book laying on my beside cabinet makes me want to scream, I feel sick and horrible, I hate myself for getting in this situation. My ex said he would call at 12pm I plan to discuss all what I am writing then with him, once we have spoken I plan to call my midwife for an immediate appointment or hopefully she can do a home visit,

Thank you all for your time I will try and keep you posted sad it takes some edge off of it all putting it in writing....

Decoy Wed 15-May-13 15:31:05

Hope the phone call at 12 went as well as it could.

Have you phoned the midwife yet? I hope so. If not then how about finding the phone and the midwife's number to start with and post back here? smile

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