I'm a long time poster have name changed as I'm embarrassed about everything.
My life is a mess. I'm a car crash. The last 12 years have been unrealenting for various reasons I just want a break.
I've lost babies. I can't get over it. One was awful, so traumatic I haven't been the same since. I had to deal with it alone.
I continually worry that I am infertile. I have no proof of this, my ultrasounds look normal, I don't have pcos or endo. I have a DS. I pee on ovulations sticks every month even though I'm not in a relationship to check I'm ovulating its insane. I worry a nice man will never want me because I can't give him babies. But I kind of want there to be a problem, so I can give up, so I won't feel like a failure that I don't have a DH and lots of babies running around. I had an abortion 4 years ago. It was the right thing to do but I feel like I need to be punished for this. It was my own stupidity that lead to it.
I miss my ex. I want him back. I want him to want me back. I want him to contact me so I can reject him and hurt him back. He was abusive I got out just before it got horrendous. I'm better off without him but I miss him. How fucked up is that. He was awful, absolutely awful and he rejected me, what does that say about me? He said horrible things about me being a single parent to DS, and I believed him. He's broken me, I never used to be like this, I want the old me back.
I hate the way I look, I need my teeth whitened, I need to lose weight and tone up. I need to dress better and do my make up better. I'm a mess. Having a shower is to much effort. I have to force myself to do this everyday. I need to look after myself more but I don't see the point.
My house is a state I need to decorate and stay on top of house work. I need to the money and the time. I can't stop spending money though. I can't save. My DS refuses to tidy his room, he is 5, it's tiny and he makes such a mess. It's too much. I need to sort it I feel so guilty, he has so many toys he never plays with them.
I smoke and I hate it, hate myself for smoking but can't stop. I even smoke in the house sometimes I just can't be bothered to move I am scum.
I'm annoying, I can tell people don't like me. I have nothing to talk about I am boring
I love my DS more than life itself. That's why I'm still here for him. But I feel so disconnected from him. He prefers my mum and his dad to me. (Ex mentioned above is not DS's dad, we have amicable relationship, I feel guilty for bringing above ex into DS life, it wasn't for long and DS was unawares of his abuse I hope, when he was with his dad was when it was bad) I feel I've failed him on every level. I don't want him to grow up and hate me. I feel like a fraud when he tells me he loves me. I want him to be a baby again so I can do it right, I miss him being a baby, I missed it, I had to work all the time for money, ill never get that baxk.
I want to get married and do it right. No nice guy ever wants me though.
My DM is difficult. She's never said a nice word to me or told me she loves me or hugs me. But when the shit hits the fan she's there for practical things. Helps me with DS alot. I think she prefers boys.
I've had counsilling. I had anti depressants. Nothing works. I'm broken. I can't relate to people or be normal. It's exhausting I have to be up at 5 and I cant sleep.
I no people go through worse. I am self indulgent I know that with all my misery. I hate myself
If you knew me in real life you wouldn't know this I'm a coper I just get on with it.
I want someone to love me the most. For who I am. Like I've loved people who have thrown it back in my face.
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Mental health
On the edge, want to let myself fall
9 replies
Hadenoughcantdothisanymore · 12/05/2013 23:49
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