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On the edge, want to let myself fall

(10 Posts)
Hadenoughcantdothisanymore Sun 12-May-13 23:49:16

I'm a long time poster have name changed as I'm embarrassed about everything.

My life is a mess. I'm a car crash. The last 12 years have been unrealenting for various reasons I just want a break.

I've lost babies. I can't get over it. One was awful, so traumatic I haven't been the same since. I had to deal with it alone.

I continually worry that I am infertile. I have no proof of this, my ultrasounds look normal, I don't have pcos or endo. I have a DS. I pee on ovulations sticks every month even though I'm not in a relationship to check I'm ovulating its insane. I worry a nice man will never want me because I can't give him babies. But I kind of want there to be a problem, so I can give up, so I won't feel like a failure that I don't have a DH and lots of babies running around. I had an abortion 4 years ago. It was the right thing to do but I feel like I need to be punished for this. It was my own stupidity that lead to it.

I miss my ex. I want him back. I want him to want me back. I want him to contact me so I can reject him and hurt him back. He was abusive I got out just before it got horrendous. I'm better off without him but I miss him. How fucked up is that. He was awful, absolutely awful and he rejected me, what does that say about me? He said horrible things about me being a single parent to DS, and I believed him. He's broken me, I never used to be like this, I want the old me back.

I hate the way I look, I need my teeth whitened, I need to lose weight and tone up. I need to dress better and do my make up better. I'm a mess. Having a shower is to much effort. I have to force myself to do this everyday. I need to look after myself more but I don't see the point.

My house is a state I need to decorate and stay on top of house work. I need to the money and the time. I can't stop spending money though. I can't save. My DS refuses to tidy his room, he is 5, it's tiny and he makes such a mess. It's too much. I need to sort it I feel so guilty, he has so many toys he never plays with them.

I smoke and I hate it, hate myself for smoking but can't stop. I even smoke in the house sometimes I just can't be bothered to move I am scum.

I'm annoying, I can tell people don't like me. I have nothing to talk about I am boring

I love my DS more than life itself. That's why I'm still here for him. But I feel so disconnected from him. He prefers my mum and his dad to me. (Ex mentioned above is not DS's dad, we have amicable relationship, I feel guilty for bringing above ex into DS life, it wasn't for long and DS was unawares of his abuse I hope, when he was with his dad was when it was bad) I feel I've failed him on every level. I don't want him to grow up and hate me. I feel like a fraud when he tells me he loves me. I want him to be a baby again so I can do it right, I miss him being a baby, I missed it, I had to work all the time for money, ill never get that baxk.

I want to get married and do it right. No nice guy ever wants me though.

My DM is difficult. She's never said a nice word to me or told me she loves me or hugs me. But when the shit hits the fan she's there for practical things. Helps me with DS alot. I think she prefers boys.

I've had counsilling. I had anti depressants. Nothing works. I'm broken. I can't relate to people or be normal. It's exhausting I have to be up at 5 and I cant sleep.

I no people go through worse. I am self indulgent I know that with all my misery. I hate myself

If you knew me in real life you wouldn't know this I'm a coper I just get on with it.

I want someone to love me the most. For who I am. Like I've loved people who have thrown it back in my face.

TerrysNo2 Sun 12-May-13 23:59:53

I have no idea what to say but I couldn't read and not reply.

your DS loves you for you and more than anyone else, no matter what you think. smile

wonderingagain Mon 13-May-13 00:08:54

Hang on in there. Focus on DS, nothing else matters. You are tired and drained. Tomorrow is another day. Everyone has times like this when they have dcs, they are tired and things get out of hand. It goes in phases. You doubt yourself but know you can't fail because your dcs depend on you.

Are you working?

Hadenoughcantdothisanymore Mon 13-May-13 00:31:08

Yeah I need to be at work at 6:30am I work full time. I'm exhausted. I'm alone. I hate it. I don't understand other people at all. I just don't get it. I don't trust anyone anymore. I never used to be like this. I hate that my ex has done this to me and got away with it Scott free, never having to face the consequences. I want him to hurt as much as I do. But he won't. Because it was all pretend. I don't understand why he did it to me. I was happy before he came along he confused me and went on and on and on until I gave in, he didnt give me a minute to myself to think it through. I'm angry with myself that I fell for it.

stripeyjimjams Mon 13-May-13 12:33:18

Excuse the very un-MN display of emotion, but can I just give you a massive virtual hug? Your post brought tears to my eyes.

First things first, are you on ADs right now? I know it's a fucking pain, feeling like they don't help, but please, I would say, see about trying a different type, even just to clear the clouds a bit. I've been told to increase mine and, though I'm fed up with the whole thing, I still hold on to the hope that this increase/change might be the one that sticks.

What kind of counselling did you have? I've seen a few therapists, and was told my my GP to start another course last week. I went to the clinic in tears, ready to tell them I wanted no more of their useless bullshit. I actually came out, feeling a bit better. The therapist was a young guy, a great listener who reassured me he wouldn't start exposing me to things I couldn't handle.

You smoke and you hate yourself for it. Me too. I don't have a solution for it right now, but I live in hope that one day I will. I know it's all part of my knackered, obssessive mind, same way as your smoking and your ovulation sticks are. It's the obsessive thinking that needs tackled, not its manifestations.

Two things: you have a 5 year old DS, who you're raising, as it sounds, alone. He loves you. You left an abusive relationship. Hadenough, you are a fucking brave woman. It might not feel like it, but you are. And that's not the same as being a 'coper.' The fact that you miss your abusive ex is his fault, not yours. It's part of the legacy of abuse. It's tempting to look at other people's 'perfect' lives, with their babies, lovely homes, cars, etc. Their lives are never perfect.

Please, please go to the GP or, if your regular GP's no use, ask to see another one. Make yourself heard, be firm about why you need help. Do you have friends in RL who can sit with you, help you clean up, listen to you?

Hadenoughcantdothisanymore Mon 13-May-13 21:23:59

Thank you for replying was having a bad day yesterday. It feels like I'm in a bubble. I'm a mess. I sat in traffic crying today as my car was out of petrol, traffic not moving, only £5 on me and 8 miles to drive to pick up DS from school. Just uncontrollable sobbing. But i knew that my car needed petrol for the last 2 days, but I kept driving on it, just getting myself into these ridiculous situations that are my own fault.

I am obsessive jimjams I hate not being in control. I feel sick and dizzy if I don't know what's happening at all times. I make lists obsessively of everything I have to do, then don't do it all and beat myself up about it. It's like I'm walking through treacle all day everyday. Nothing is right, nothing makes me happy, just a whizzing brain all the time.

I replay horrible things that have happened to me over and over and over again. I feel frighted all the time.

I just want to go to sleep.

Hadenoughcantdothisanymore Mon 13-May-13 21:27:32

jimjams sorry I didn't answer your questions. I'm not in AD's at the moment last time was last year. I think anti anxietys would help me more, are they different?

I've had CbT, just a regular lets talk it all out counsellor, and human givens therapy. That helped alot. But I'm slipping back into my old ways and its £50 a session so When I get paid next week I'm making an appointment.

Hadenoughcantdothisanymore Mon 13-May-13 21:32:19

Sorry keep missing things, jimjams have 4 solid friends I can rely on, one who understands and the others to distract me. My GP wants to sign me off. He feels sorry for me I can tell. He's nice but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me I want to be ok and function. Might see him for some anti anxieties and two new moles I have developed on my thigh and calf. That's worrying me as well. I need some coping strategies for my health anxiety I think I want to be not afraid anymore

Hoophopes Mon 13-May-13 21:40:01

Hi, to be a single Mum and work full-time is hard work. Add on top of that difficult life events, I would say it is normal to struggle with things. Ad's and counselling can help but they cannot change the tiredness, the frustration of having to do everything. I know simple things like getting enough sleep for me can make a lot of difference. And I have to be realistic and am trying to accept that I am doing the best I can. That was the main thing I learnt in counselling, that it is ok to do the best you can and perhaps to accept not everything can be done (eg no time for toning exercises etc). Hope you can be kind to you as you sound a great Mum.

stripeyjimjams Tue 14-May-13 08:30:55

Hadenough, I'm on Sertraline right now for my obsessive thoughts and anxiety. I'm needing the dose tweaked but i know it has helped me out of the pit and I'm functioning a lot better than i was before i went on it. I would say make a point of telling your GP about the obsessive thinking and anxiety.

Is there any chance of accessing talking therapy through your GP, so it's not so expensive?

Would you feel comfortable telling your good friend, the one you can rely on, how bad you've been feeling? A friend in RL to hold your hand and just sit quietly with you can be a godsend.

And mind what Hoop says - you can't possibly do everything. Be more gentle with yourself.

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