Maybe this should be in relationships and I don't want to make anyone feel bad but I thought this might be a starting point. I would really like some help from those who have suffered from serious depression or others who are in relationships with those who suffer serous depression. I am in a long term relationship with a basically good and kind man. We have one child.
My DP (in fact his whole family) is prone to anxiety and depression. Looking back over the years I can see a pattern during which my DP is fine then gets very anxious, takes on too much work and then slides into depression. Time goes by and he recovers and things get back to being reasonably happy and harmonious and often very lovely.
My problem is that when he is depressed he is self absorbed, withdrawn, stops communicating and latterly really hostile in a passive aggressive way.
My DP became very depressed about six months after our son was born 6.5 years ago. Not to put too fine a point on it he was a shit to me until his depression started to lift say about 18 months ago. It was obvious I had become the enemy- forcing him to work all hours and keeping him from his son [I work outside of the home too BTW] all of this was completely irrational and he now accepts this.
About nine months ago I found out he had slept with an old girlfriend twice (during the time he was at his most ill) and that discovery was a catalyst for him finally admitting he really has got problems and was going to lose me if he didn't do something to tackle them and he finally started to see a therapist. We had a some very deep heart to hearts and I know that he had been really quite ill.
He asked me not to judge him on how he behaved when he was ill and I understand logically that he really was having some kind of breakdown. But the only way I have been able to keep it all together has been to distance myself from him. His sleeping with someone else is not great but nothing compared to the way he behaved towards me and his total denial that there was anything he could do about the mental state he was is in- it all felt like he was trying to kill me, he suddenly appeared to hate me but would neither leave nor do anything about it.
I really stopped looking to him for emotional support or anything really- I didn't leave because I barely had the strength to think about how to do it and could hardly believe what was happening -I knew deep down he was ill and I love(d) him.
I too became extremely anxious and depressed but did something about it (I took ADs and found a therapist) and I coped.
My DP now is trying to make amends, as I say he is seeing a therapist and things are so much better he really is like a different person.
Thank you for reading this far- the point of all this is that despite my understanding he has been ill (and having some insight into depression myself) I find it very hard not to feel resentment and that he does not deserve my forgiveness and support- to be completely honest part of me wants to hurt him like he hurt me. Of course now there is all the added baggage of the "affair" (2 one night stands). I know I have my part to play in making this relationship work- I am by no means perfect and I am ashamed to say I find it hard to really accept that he could not have, "pulled himself together" and taken some responsibility for the way he was feeling earlier.
I'm struggling, I feel resentment and sympathy almost simultaneously. I need to understand what really deep depression can feel like especially for men. How do I get over this resentment?
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Mental health
Hard to let go of resentment of depressive partner (v long)
19 replies
harrap · 12/05/2013 10:03
OP posts:
MaryRobinson ·
13/05/2013 12:49
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