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Contemplating suicide

(993 Posts)
BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 02:44:02

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:09:57

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thanks for the Samaritans link and info. I found it to be helpful. I think, if I still have the momentum of encouragement I've gotten from you guys, I might call them tomorrow (well later today).

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:11:53

Memberfor just go away.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:12:32

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:13:22

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BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:15:04

@Memberfor - I'm not white. I'm mixed. And I didn't know this site was a feminist site. The title is "Mumsnet" and the slogan is "for parents by parents." Nowhere in both the title or the slogan, is it indicated that the ideology of this site is exclusively feminism. The reason I posted here is because like I mentioned, I'm thinking about suicide and I can't talk to my mother about the things in my head. This being a site for parents, I thought it would be good for me to try and get some insight.

TrucksAndDinosaurs Sat 11-May-13 04:15:48

Memberfor posts reported.
I can't see any benefit to further engagement with Memberfor.
Bengal good luck with it all.
I am off to bed but will check in tomorrow to see if you have posted again and wish you some peace and a good sleep and strength for getting through this.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:16:21

For your information Memberfor there are many men on this site; it's called Mumsnet but the site owners have said previously that it is a site not just for women, and not just for parents.
Yes a 16 year old posting on here is uncommon but give him a break will you - he is a young person who is struggling and reached out to one of the few accessible places for some support FFS. Have some compassion.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:17:32

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:17:52

BengalTiger please ignore Memberfor.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:19:19

Talk to Samaritans yes if that will help (and it may well) but you are also welcome to talk on here.

NewGirlInTown Sat 11-May-13 04:20:18

Memberfor reported
Certainly despicable and wholly inaccurate in pronouncements about Mumsnet

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 04:25:01

@Trucks and Dinosaurs - Thank you for your input tonight. It has been very helpful. Sleep well

@Selk - Thanks for your support and your elaboration on the subject of self-loathing. My eyelids are getting heavy now so I'm gonna sleep. I think I'm gonna call Samaritans later today. It seems to be the right step at the moment, even though I'm a bit apprehensive about it. Have a nice night and sleep well.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:25:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Homebird8 Sat 11-May-13 04:25:55

BemgalTiger, you were right to come here. You are surrounded by parents who are telling you how wonderful you are. You may not believe it but your words speak clearly. Please don't take on any responsibility for anything except reaching out in real life to those who can help you. Call one of those numbers. Don't worry, they are safe and confidential and can help. In the meantime we are all here with you.

Your dad's death is so recent it's no wonder that you are feeling so much grief. It was not your fault. He was a good, hard working, loving father and you in no way could have contributed to him dying. I am so sorry for your loss. It's very hard to lose a parent.

I know you feel like you can't talk with your mum like you could with your dad. Why don't you think about showing her what you have written here? The way you have expressed yourself is very coherent and even if you couldn't get the words out loud the written ones would do the talking for you. Perhaps it's an idea you could talk about if you phone the Samaritans or one of the other organisations?

You may find it helps to talk here. Don't do anything to endanger yourself. You are worth so much and you will feel better if you can hang on in there. Call one of the numbers, now if you can. Call the doctor in the morning. They will be able to help. You are not alone.

BebeBelge Sat 11-May-13 04:38:08

memberfor there are plenty of posters on this site who are neither women, mums or feminists. I interpreted the OP using the word 'lad' to mean that he is young not 'a lad' in the stereotypical way you obviously did.

I've also reported your posts.

BengalTiger Please seek some help from the Samaritans or one of the other links previously posted. You may not feel like seeking help for yourself right now, but at least do it for your Mum who clearly loves you and who you love too.

Maybe speak to her and give her the chance to be the person you wish she was - ie. someone you can say anything to just like your dear Dad was.

Mums are not great at mindreading, so she may not know the true extent of your unhappiness right now, but Mums are great at loving you unconditionally no matter what. You have been through so much in your relationship with your Mum already and you've made it this far and still love each other. Let her help you.

And please don't feel any guilt about your Dad working too hard to support you. That's what Mums and Dads do because they love you.

Please, please ask someone, anyone, for help. Tonight. Be safe x

kerstina Sat 11-May-13 08:16:03

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EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 11-May-13 08:29:57

Bengaltiger I hope you feel a bit better today
I can't imagine the pain of losing your dad at such a young age, especially after losing your mum from your life. I can empathise with why you would feel suicidal. I have a son and if he died I would want to kill myself too (I'm not saying I would, but I would want to)
Feeling hopeless and helpless and not being able to foresee a better time is to be expected in your situation. But there will be a better time, there just will. Your mum loves you and I bet there are loads more people who love you, even teachers at school/college will be fond of you and want to help you. Reach out, please, to just one trusted person and ask for help. There is help out there. My friend works for a charity that helps people contemplating suicide and also people bereaved by suicide. These people are amazing, they don't judge, they don't pressurise, they just listen and help. Can you google suicide charities in your area? Or call Samaritans and ask them?

KitKatShoes Sat 11-May-13 08:32:56

sapphirestar Sat 11-May-13 08:38:26

BengalTiger - Hope you're doing better this morning and feel like you can ring your GP or Samaritans. Give your mum chance, I think you've done very well to get to the stage you have with her after what you've been through. It's ok to miss your dad, but don't let it stop you living your life. I'm positive he wouldn't want that for you.

memberfor - MMHQ repeatedly ask us not to troll hunt on threads but report instead. If you're right, you're just feeding the troll, if you're wrong you could be causing untold damage to a young lad who's feeling very low right now.
Even if you are right, I would rather give out advice and support and look like an idiot, than tell them they shouldn't be here and to piss off elsewhere and be indirectly responsible for a young lad going over the edge.
BengalTiger has said he lost his dad and isn't particularly close to his mum, so I don't think it's illogical to want the support and advice of parents.

Cerisier Sat 11-May-13 09:04:41

For the poster who thought MN was a strange place for a male teen to go looking for help, I disagree. I think it is a great place to go to seek help as a teenager.

Firstly MNers are up 24/7 due to feeding babies, working nights and time differences around the world. You will get a response and find a listening ear at any time of day or night.

Secondly lots of MNers have a huge amount of life experience and can make helpful suggestions and point people in the right direction for help.

MN never ceases to amaze me and warm my heart.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 10:46:06

Totally agree, Cerisier.

LibertineLover Sat 11-May-13 10:49:07

Morning bengal I was reading early hours, but couldn't post on kindle.

Really hope you're OK, and that you manage to reach out to someone in real life today, you will honestly feel so much better when you do. If you spoke to your GP he/she could help you, really they could, things will get better for you love, you just have to reach out. I bet your Mum would be supportive and glad to help.

Please please ignore the sheer ignorance of that poster, you are very welcome here anytime, they are totally wrong about who this site is for, it's for everyone.

As for your Dad, it's a heartbreaking shame you lost him at such an age, but working 2 jobs in itself doesn't kill you , there must have been underlying problems, he sounds like he was a great man, and he would be very hurt to see you like this, please get some help.

Keep talking here if you feel it helps, there's always someone around that will care.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 10:49:16

BengalTiger, I hope you slept well.
We are still here to talk if you need us.
Today, please be brave and tell someone how you feel. It's ok to admit to feeling like this,

Homebird8 Sat 11-May-13 11:36:24

BengalTiger, just wanted you to know that there is a thread watch function on here. Whenever you come to your thread to talk I will be able to see and if I can I'll be there with you.

I hope the world is a little brighter this morning and you have some options for getting some real life help. Try to talk with your mum sweetheart. She will want to know how you're feeling. In the meantime call your GP. Show this thread if it helps you explain though you are very articulate and insightful and I'm sure you can share your thoughts well. You are not alone.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 13:47:47

@Homebird - Thanks for the response. I don't know why I but I just feels really difficult letting my mum know about everything. Even if it's not orally and instead written, like you suggested.

I did however, this morning, call Samiritans. I talked for about 20 minutes. In the beginning it was pretty awkward as I didn't know what to say but after a while I just talked. You know, it felt good to actually just let it all out with words coming from my mouth. But I still feel like it's not enough. I felt okay for talking to someone about it for about an hour. But after that the same wave hopelessness came over me. Talking to someone on the phone felt like a quick fix. Like patching over the punctures in a bike's wheels with some glue and ductape. I think you're right about my mother. I need to tell her. I just need to get over the hurdle of holding it back from her.

Thanks for your concern by the way. It's really touching.

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