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Noone seems to believe i am ill, just that im a bad person. what are my options?

(94 Posts)
ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 20:57:02

Hello, I've had a series of breakdowns in the past year. Mostly brought on by traumatic life events and the lonliness and isolation of living in a new town where there are no English speaking people. My H is away 50% of the time and I have developed a lot of fear of attacks and accidents and so rarely leave the house. I have pretty much sole care of a toddler and I'm just exhausted from it all. I have no friends here or a network despite working hard to reach out.

My breadowns have been largely untreated - bit of mirtazipine, bit of valium but no respite, talking cure or even a holiday. It's just brushed under the carpet so I will continue to care for my son and do housework whilst my H works.

Yesterday, I burst into tears at a family event because H started to make fun of me and wouldn't stop and so embarrassed my H and DM. They have not spoken to me since execpt for a few attacks about 'you need to grow up', its all about them and I don't know what to do. I've spent the day asleep by taking medicine.

I don't know what to do, I have constant thoughts and plans to kill myself. I tried to get to the Dr today and Psychiatrist but for some reason. All medical offices were having a closed day in my town. I think at this stage I would be safest in hospital but I'm just being told I can't because everyone has plans and I need to take care of my son. What should I do? I thought mental illness is a real illness, and I can't believe I'm being attacked for this. I don't want to feel like this but my life truly is at a dead end.

I'm overseas so can't contact any helplines. It's a&e or nothing and I'm now feeling like noone will believe me. How do I get to Monday when the DR offices open?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 13:27:41

Thanks Breeze, I don't like being like this and I always try to sort stuff out for myself. I have never posted something like this before because I can usually hold on. I don't think I've ever been hiding in my own house like this. Vivienne you are correct, without any time for myself or people I can have a laugh with, life is just reduced to housework and problems. It's exhausting. I've got this far with wine or tablets but I'm tired of it. I want to be me, I don't want to spend life sedated in order to cope with it. If I'd popped a tablet before the big crying incident visit it would have stayed normal. Feeling like shit but under control... Now I've behaved unacceptabley its all a big mess but I also see that how I'm living is not sustainable, at some point it all breaks down. I'm rambling. Thanks Fanny and Stoic. And I've got some clothes on but I'm still hiding.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 13:41:02

It's mother's day here tomorrow, I'm going to have to go and get some cards. That's doable, I think. The play visit to a neighbours house tomorrow afternoon might not be.

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 13:47:35

Your M sounds exhausting, chip, chip, chipping away -- when is she leaving ? Can it be sooner ?
Fwiw we all believe you, and you have the might of MN to help you through whatever you need xx wish I was a bit closer, I love a natter, coffee, mooch to the park/ shops .. It can be really hard to get out when you feel awful, but you're dressed, so half way there ! Leave M, take your boy and get away from the house for a bit x

cjel Sat 11-May-13 17:33:08

I think that you have been ground down trying to hide yourself to become acceptable to these people who are supposed to care for you, and by the way crying is not behaving badly - they are behaving badly crying is normal . I had 30 years of this and left 18months ago. I have had no depression panic attacks or anxiety since I left. I rented then sold then bought, moved 3 times in a year and renovated the house I bought. Once I got away I was free to really quickly be me again. I was having counselling when I left and did continue it but haven't seen a doctor or taken meds in that whole time. I would urge you to start to make plans to be who you want. Maybe come back to the uk and try WA when you are here and good therapist. What you are feeling is perfectly normal for the way you are treated, you must be lovely to put yourself through this just so others can live how they

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:48:50

Thanks everyone, I don't know what to say right now. I know it isn't right. I'm not sure I can claim abuse though. I had an abusive father and so I know 'real' abuse. Probably why my mum is so messed up. Normally I'm such a tough c*nt because of experience which is why I feel bothered that I can't handle this.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:50:51

Like, waa waa waa noone wants to be my bestest friend.... Seriously though, this is a wierd town - even other Germans say so.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:54:22

And I feel funny about what is the difference between an expat and a refugee (of which there are many here).

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 17:55:28

It's not a friendly place if you are not from the area.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:00:09

Just don't kid youself its not abuse, it is it probably doesn't seem so bad because he's not bad all the time, It doesn't matter what it is, if it is affecting you like this and they are adding to it - it is abuse.Start to look after Art.xx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:02:58

What has happened about the lovely house that was built.
Was that house in a friedlier place?
Is it rented out or sold.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:05:27

Cjel, I know what you are saying because I know the nice / nasty cycles. My H just can't be fucked with me... Just self preservation. Honestly, I know -really, don't make me talk about how I know. My M is just hardwired for drama so again, not really bad, just stupid.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:11:55

No you're right I'm sorry now is not the time to put more shit on you -

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:12:20

Was wondering if you could stay in it with your son, maybe until you fly back to the UK next week?
Maybe that is a silly suggestion that doesnt really solve anything. Or maybe it would help to give you a break?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:13:07

Breeze, my house is rented out. It's so nice. But I'm not gonna brag how nice cos it nearly broke me to build it. My renters (the twats) have paid late 4 months successively so technically I can reposess. I'm really thinking to send them an eigenbedarf and move back. I could do that. I am as much the owner ad H so I could just do it.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:14:40

Did you have friends or could you make friends there?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:21:12

Breeze, I have great friends there. That's why I am so sad here. I still have top friends in the UK and that's why I'm feeling scared that I have no friends/ no network into friends here. Honestly, I am a friends making person - but I know when I'm beat.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:23:57

Cjel no problems lovely, Im dealing with apathy here not abuse. Apathy is shit but its not the same.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 18:24:55

I have reached out to old friends and they have been nice and understanding BTW.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:29:03

I can tell you are a friends making person, from other posts. But what really stands out, efforrt wise, is that you started a playgroup in not your country. No one does that who is not friendly and a strong person. Most of us would run a mile at attempting to do that.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:30:23

Why did your husband want to move to the area you are in now.
Did you get any say at all in the matter?
Does he care that you cannot make friends where you now are?

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:37:35

neglect is a form of abuse No sorry no more.sad how have you managed this afternoon?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:39:12

I dont think she wants or needs to hear that right now cjel.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 18:42:42

no i know it was bad I won't do it any more. Sorry OP I have been out of orderI don't know what happened to me, I think I wanted op to realise that it isn't he rbeing weak or behaving badly but sorry I shouldn't have done itxxx

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 18:46:19

smile from me.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 19:03:56

thankyou but I don't deserve it. I hope I haven't put you off Art?

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