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Help, DH tied a ligature, don't know if I can cope

(93 Posts)
Messandmayhem Tue 07-May-13 12:30:27

we had an argument this morning because he shouts at the DC all the time and I told him DS in particular is scared of him and it's not right. It ended up him throwing a diary at me, here he's been writing about wishing he was dead, drawing gravestones and people hanging, then becoming silent and refusing to talk to me or look at me. After a couple of hours of begging him to speak and to see a gp I told him I couldn't stay, that if he doesn't want help I can't stay with the kids and went downstairs to put DD for a nap in her buggy. I text him saying I love him but i can't stay unless he wants to get better. He text me back saying to tell the kids he loves them. I text him back saying "so you want me to go?" and he didn't answer. I was worried so I went up and he was lay on the bed eyes closed, I spoke to him and he ignored me. I don't know what made me do it but I pulled at the neck of his t shirt and he had tied his phone charger cable around his neck. I don't know how I called 999 whole trying to loosen it but I did, and I got the ligature off while talking to the operator. DH told me to tell them he didnt need an ambulance so I explained it was fine and promised to call back immediately should anything else happen. DH says he didnt want it to actually kill him and he will get a GP appointment. I don't know what to do. I love him. I'm scared. I just want the man I met back. I am afraid I will wake to find him dead. And I'm afraid that if I leave he will kill himself and I will be responsible because I left when I knew he felt like this.

I just want to wake up and this all be a nightmare.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 07:15:33

The thought I keep having, op, is that you are comparing your husband to your mother. But they are not the same person. They are not even blood related, though I dont think even that would make any difference at all in this circumstance.
I do not know about your mother's circumstances, but what your mum does or does not do may not be at all the same to what your husband, in his precarious state of mind,might do.
Thinking of you all.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 06:48:55

If you do come back on here, I dont think there is a single soul that would flame you.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 06:48:09

Excellent post cestlavielife.

cestlavielife Tue 07-May-13 22:46:05

Op when my exp was in "crisis" he veered between "normal" and suicidal/cutting/psychotic whatever you want to call it, periods during day he seemed rational. Wanted to do stuff with kids etc but things would set him off. I wish someone theN had said to me get him seen, get him away from the dc. Issue the ultimatum to get sorted.

Just be prepared to follow thru the next "episode", dial 999, keep a mobile charged up at all times etc.

He can decide to sort it himself so can you but you have small dc to think about. You have a ds who is scared of his shouting. If that is due to depression then there will be a lot more of this if he doesn't actively seek help.

Go talk to your or his gp tomorrow and give e diary and tell them what happened. There will be a record of the 999 call anyway. You might get a courtesy follow up call . Tell the truth and ask for help. Get him help.

(ultimately there were/are aspects of my ex s personality which were abusive and controlling but he also has had severe depression and anxiety episodes including self harm which were also hell to live with, but like you saying in one day you could get from high to low including harming. Just be ready to make that call next time at the first sign and don't then send the paramedics away again. Gp and a and e have standard assessments questionnairs they will go thru with him to suss out if he clinically depressed or not.

If your ds is to grow up in a calm happy non shouty household then you both have to act. The responsible thing is for him to seek help.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 21:39:43


SolidGoldBrass Tue 07-May-13 20:57:25

LEM: If your mental health issues meant that you were behaving abusively towards your DC and refusing to seek help (as this man appears to have been doing), then I would say, yes, it might well have been necessary for you to leave the family home unless you agreed to get professional help.

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 07-May-13 20:53:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve Tue 07-May-13 20:30:01

LEM - that's why I said she needed to protect them if she feels they need protecting - given the conversation she had with her DH which lead to this scenario. If someone had issues with physical health which needed dealing with imminently, it wouldn't be unusual for kids to stay with grandparents for a while, until treatment was established or lives were less hectic.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 20:25:10

When someone is depressed, people can sometimes take their own lives suddenly. They may not want to do it for 23 hours of the day, but suddenly choose to do it in the other hour.
That is why he does need to be seen by someone medical.

None of us on here know enough about your husband to be able to say that he is safe.

To other people who are reading this who may be getting triggered by this thread.
Please tell someone around you, ring the samaritans,[I think you can even email them] ring a GP, or post on the mental health board on here.
There are also useful links on Mumsnet to the Mental Health web guide on here.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 20:18:53

Solidgoldbrass - are you saying that because I have been suicidal i should leave my family home for the sake of the DC?? Thanks for that hmm

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 20:14:47

Please feel that you can come back to this thread OP or open another in MH there will be lots of us with different levels of experience who can help you. I would just like to reassure you that seeking medical help will not suddenly mean intervention by SS or any other agencies, not unless absolutely essential. I have been to my doctor both alone and with DP saying that I have been suicidal. At no stage have there been any suggestion of social services, this is probably because I have a supportive partner.

There are lots of links on the mental health pages here - take a look, or better still, get your DH to have a look.

I am quite concerned about him still, if i am honest, I am sure you are too. I know how stressful life can be when you have financial difficulties, it can weigh heavily. Hopefully this episode between you and your DH will open up the channels of communication between you. Just be prepared to take action on his behalf if he shows further signs.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 18:50:46

Op just because you havent sought help yet you can at any stage it might be an idea just to get thhe numbwr of the local mental health support line for him to keep on his phone. Talk to him about his backup plan who hes will call if he feels suicidal. Onmy phone now will post more later

Chubfuddler Tue 07-May-13 18:01:19

Neither of you should have to handle this without help in fact I think it would be wrong to try to do so.

Messandmayhem Tue 07-May-13 18:00:33

Please don't flame me for not calling the GP, I am doing the best I can right now, we are safe, he is ok, we will be fine.

Messandmayhem Tue 07-May-13 17:58:25

I haven't called anyone. We all went to the park where he played football with the kids. We need to talk tonight. I don't know wether to make him seek help or not. I know my mum has admitted to me to taking loads of pills and hoping not to wake up, she has had no professional help for her mental health and she is ok. I don't know wether to tell him that if he wants to deal withthis without Drs he does so, but if he seems worse / threatens to do it again / I feel the need, I involve the professionals?

He hasn't always been shouty and mean, he has lost his job three times in the last 2 years. We are under a lot of stress and I knew he was depressed. It was obvious to me, I've been depressed (though I never sought help myself) and I've had PND, for which I received minimal help as that's all I wanted. I said and did awful things when I was depressed. I was probably pretty abusive. I'm ashamed, it's not an excuse, I should have tried harder.

I may not post much, I want to be with my DH right now.

Thank you for posting, you have helped so much.

Chubfuddler Tue 07-May-13 17:49:27

Every single post in between the ops first two posts told her to phone GP and/or seek help.

Am failing to see how anyone delayed or confused her.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 07-May-13 17:48:02

If I counted the amount of mental illnesses and medications I'm on, I'd sound like a loony druggie.

I think he's manipulative. I've had a partner just like him... The levels some will go to to maintain control is extremely frightening. That's what I, personally see here.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 17:44:59

Because the op got confused by posters saying that he may have been doing it to control her.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 17:43:21

Ilikethebreeze. First you accuse posters (like me) of putting this man's life in danger, hmm and now you accuse us of delaying her calling for help for him.

Don't you bloody dare. Just don't. The only person "putting his life in danger" (sic) is him.

Chubfuddler Tue 07-May-13 17:38:15

How did people on this thread help the op delay calling for help? What a bizarre accusation.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 17:34:00

He had been writing a diary.
It was not a sudden thought. He did not suddenly "stage it".

He is a very unhappy man, And none of us on here know why. Probably the op does not know exactly why either.

Please try to understand.

I hope this man is ok physically.
I hope he is safe.
I hope you want him safe too.

How can you or any of the other posters who helped the op delay calling help for 1 hour on this thread ,know what is going on, and to make anywhere near a clinical judgement, let alone any other sort of judgement.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 07-May-13 17:14:45

The reason some people have little sympathy for this man is that domestic abuse is as common, if not more common, than mental illness. And he started performing when the OP called him on his bad behaviour and bullying of the DC. He refused to engage with her, refused to seek help, and when she (quite rightly) told him that she was not prepared to have the DC exposed to any more of his unpleasant behaviour, his response was to stage a suicide attempt. That sounds more like abuse than depression. HOwever, if it is a genuine MH issue he needs treatment and probably to move out of the house for the sake of the DC who shouldn't have to be exposed to this sort of thing.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 17:13:35

I hope the op still has the diary.

SnowyMouse Tue 07-May-13 17:09:41

I wasn't trying to say he's not ill enough, just that an attempted suicide/self harm my not result in sectioning - I'm not sure exactly what criteria do. I've seen people who seem much more ill than me allowed to discharge themselves etc. It's definitely one to explore, god luck to you and DC.

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 07-May-13 17:05:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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