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Help, DH tied a ligature, don't know if I can cope

(93 Posts)
Messandmayhem Tue 07-May-13 12:30:27

we had an argument this morning because he shouts at the DC all the time and I told him DS in particular is scared of him and it's not right. It ended up him throwing a diary at me, here he's been writing about wishing he was dead, drawing gravestones and people hanging, then becoming silent and refusing to talk to me or look at me. After a couple of hours of begging him to speak and to see a gp I told him I couldn't stay, that if he doesn't want help I can't stay with the kids and went downstairs to put DD for a nap in her buggy. I text him saying I love him but i can't stay unless he wants to get better. He text me back saying to tell the kids he loves them. I text him back saying "so you want me to go?" and he didn't answer. I was worried so I went up and he was lay on the bed eyes closed, I spoke to him and he ignored me. I don't know what made me do it but I pulled at the neck of his t shirt and he had tied his phone charger cable around his neck. I don't know how I called 999 whole trying to loosen it but I did, and I got the ligature off while talking to the operator. DH told me to tell them he didnt need an ambulance so I explained it was fine and promised to call back immediately should anything else happen. DH says he didnt want it to actually kill him and he will get a GP appointment. I don't know what to do. I love him. I'm scared. I just want the man I met back. I am afraid I will wake to find him dead. And I'm afraid that if I leave he will kill himself and I will be responsible because I left when I knew he felt like this.

I just want to wake up and this all be a nightmare.

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 13:56:46

chubfudder some of the comments here highlight quite clearly why this would be better in MH - i have posted about being suicidal on MH and about how badly i have behaved towards my partner - thankfully i was never called a selfish twat or told i needed a kick up the cunt!

MoominmammasHandbag Tue 07-May-13 13:57:47

Some very harsh comments on here. Have some compassion people.

bobbywash Tue 07-May-13 14:03:48

Glad it's not only me that think some people are being very harsh (to sasy the least).

The bloke needs MH help, the OP should be encouraged to help him, without putting herself at risk, and without being made to feel it's not her responsibility. I can just see the reaction if someone had posted "I tried to kill myself and DH took the children and left" the moral indignation such a post would cause is unbelievable.

Do what you can to assist him, he is in a bad place, don't gret dragged into it yourself and insist on MH getting involved. My SiL has tried twice, and because no one has pushed her she has been left with little support. It's not always about control.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 14:06:36


If he was serious about it he wouldn't have done it while his wife was in the house to save him would he?

Or sat upstairs texting her.

Chubfuddler Tue 07-May-13 14:06:58

As he is able to veer from a suicide "attempt" to cuddling up on the sofa with the Dcs as if he hasn't a care in the world I'm doubting how genuine his problems are.

The only way to find out is to involve external agencies. The op can't deal with this alone and shouldn't attempt to.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 14:07:22

I have more compassion than you can imagine Moomin,

For the OP who is being manipulated and abused by her twat of a husband.

Messandmayhem Tue 07-May-13 14:07:59

I've asked for it to moved to MH. I'm not upset at any of the responses, but I think I need to help him.

Orchidlady Tue 07-May-13 14:09:39

mess A few years ago my DP lost the plot, attempted suicide, we were not married but I was able to get GP involved as he gave permission and MHT were called in and they were amazing, came here each day for a week or 2 and then referred to clinic. Sounds like your DH is depressed and not in sound mind.,you need to be strong. I called an ambulance when DP took and overdose. intially he was angry with me but would thank me now for taking control. One thing I learnt is that I was not capable of solving his problems, there a professionals out there who know what they are doing. Good luck and keep strong.

QuintessentialOHara Tue 07-May-13 14:12:05

Whether he is attention seeking or suicidal, he needs psychiatric help, and OP and her children need support in getting him this help.

Sectioning is a good thing if he is that unstable. And sobering if he is attention seeking.

cestlavielife Tue 07-May-13 14:14:28

you need to call GP and tell tehm waht has happened.
my exp cut himself - this was jsut after seeing GP! but persuaded me not to tell GP - this was a stupid mistake on my part. he got wose and worse and in his case became very violent - -in your case he might be more successsful.

he needs help - calll GP and tell them and get them to come and assess him.
if he is doing it for attenion they will suss him
if is genune they can get him help.

why a r e you worried about SS? they can support you . if you are able to look after he dc yourself then you wont need ss involvement while he is in hospital or whatever - but if you do need some support they can help with that.

and copy the diary pages and take them to the GP. now.

throw pofressional help at him.

if he refuses that help he has to go elsewhere - you and dc cannot live with him while he is like this.

MoominmammasHandbag Tue 07-May-13 14:14:38

I really think some people on this thread need to educate themselves about mental health issues. I am going now as this is all a bit nasty.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 14:16:06

And maybe some people need to read some of the relationships threads about manipulative abuse.

As Chub says, the fact he can turn it on and off at will says plenty.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Tue 07-May-13 14:17:44

Another thing is keep up your sleeve is that police do have some sway here. If you are genuinely concerned and cant get gp/mh team help, ring for the police. They can come out and make a judgement, and in the main they will take him to a place of safety if needed. Thats not just safety for him, its safety for you and the kids as well. I appreciate that dh may not be happy about it, but ultimately if he wont do anything else, what are you supposed to do? If it comes to the same situation as you have faced with the ligature, don't tell him you are calling anyone at all, just do it.

cestlavielife Tue 07-May-13 14:18:00

and call 999 if anything remotely similar happens - and DONT listen to him saying he doesnt need help. he clearly does.

you cannot give him that help - he needs trained profressionals.

yes you CAN leave him like this - so long as you call his GP or 999 and send someone professional to look after him. you focus on your DC and looking after them.

or - you have to find someone to look after your DC while you cart him off to A and E or GP.

please report what he has done now to GP .

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 14:20:09

NTG it might mean he is manipulative, or it might mean his mood is v labile. Or both. As LEM says, sometimes it's a way to show the mental pain one is in.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 14:22:04

I know, and truly, I don't want to belittle anyone with MH issues.

It's just there are so many of these stories, of (usually male) partners threatening the suicide thing as a way of keeping their women servile and quiet. sad

cestlavielife Tue 07-May-13 14:26:42

Can I go to the GP without him?

yes - go to your GP and report everything that is going no - they can take that information and decide how to act on it. then you ahve done your bit .

Can I get help for him if he won't go? I

yes you can call 999 and DONT call back and tell them to leave. better police or paramedics come and assess him .

He wouldn't hurt us.

you dont know that for sure - if he genuinely "ill" who knows what he might do ? my exP got agressive and violent. you just dont know what he capable of.

Will social services be informed if he tells the GP he tried to kill himself?

if there are Dc in the house they will likely call you to see if you ok or offer support. in my case SS were instrumental in helping me and Dc by ensuring exp was kept in hospital and not sent home when he was harming himself and all over the place. do you want your dc to conitnue to be souted at? do you want them to be the ones to find him with something around his neck ? so use SS to help you.

he also was flipping between being "suicidal" and being "i am fine". was some of it manipulative? probably. par t of a bigger picture. but at some level at one point yes he has had dianosed clinical depression adn anxiety. in those episodes the only course of action was to call 999 and have him taken for assessment.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 14:27:18

I am sorry Messandmeyhem but I think he is serious.
He wouldnt have written the diary if he wasnt.

If he wont go to the GP himself, you can go to his GP and they can at least advise you.
Go immediately if you can, but someone nees to stay and literally not let your husband out of your sight.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 07-May-13 14:27:30

Hi all,

We'll be moving this to Mental Health in a moment at the request of the OP.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 14:29:03

Some of you lot upthread most certainly need to educate yourselves. Lives can be lost through what you are saying to people.

FairyWingsAndFlyingThings Tue 07-May-13 14:32:07

You should contact your gp, mental health team ect wether he wants too or not. It seems like everyone in my family has suffered from depression/mental health problems and all of them were initially resistant to getting help mostly because they were scared or didn't think they were worth it. He'll thank you eventually.
If you have any concerns over your children being around him than by all means get them away from him. Perhaps his family can help as well? If he is depressed than he'll need their support - mental illness is as real as any other health issue.
If you're worried he'll try something you can phone the police - we've had them round to section a depressed relative of mine before.

A lot of people on this thread are being very cruel - we only know what the op has told us and yet people calling him an attention seeker and manipulative? What he's doing isn't uncommon for someone with depression but it seems like everything someone comes onto this board posting about a partner with depression their told hes just being manipulative, but if the op herself was unwell everyone would be being supportive.

Best of luck OP

LEMisdisappointed Tue 07-May-13 14:33:29

I am glad you have asked, i asked too Mess so hopefully MN will move it. Your absolute number one priority is the safety of your children and yourself. He must not continue to shout at the DCs, its not on. BUT he is unwell - to even feign a suicide attempt suggests an unstable mind.

Is there anything going on that might be causing this? Is this out of character? I mean, my BIL shouts at his kids, he does this because he is an arsehole - I sometimes shout at my DD because i suffer from extreme anxiety and i sometimes just cannot cope - I am however recieving help and im on medication.

You need to persuade your DH that there is NO SHAME in mental health problems and his GP will have dealt over and over again with it. People, especially men, can feel very ashamed of havin MH issues. If you can persuade him to visit the GP of his own accord and that is is truthful about what he is experiencing, that is the best thing but if he wont go, then i would be going to talk to his GP and tell him you think he is at serious risk, he will have to do something!

Orchidlady Tue 07-May-13 14:35:26

I am little appalled by some of the comments on here.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 14:35:28

So 6 of you know all about Mental Health, and you know that the man is being selfish rather than ill.

Orchidlady Tue 07-May-13 14:37:34

Listen to cest she give good advise and sertainly helped me when I was going through problems with my DP. Waves to cest

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