Don't want to be here any more

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Name changed, am regular poster in Relationships and AIBU.

Well, basically, that's it. I've had enough. I don't physically want to do anything about it but I have got to a point where I realise now that unless things change, I don't want to be here this time next year and that I will do something about it.

I have been single 3 years, have had one date in all that time. I never meet anyone in real life, my friends never have single friends to introduce me to and have tried every online dating site for two years. I am not bad looking, have an interesting job, my own place, good friends, active social life - but it's not enough.

I have very little family (just parents, no siblings). I can't have children and I can't find anyone online or in real life who minds not having children.

I have had depression twice in my life and the worrying thing is that I KNOW I am not depressed. I am functioning perfectly, I get pleasure out of things. I am sleeping normally, eating normally - all the things that go belly up when I am depressed haven't happened. I have literally just got to the "the end" and it is now a matter of biding time until I decide "that's it".

[PearlyWhites]

Am so sorry you feel this way please don't act on your feelings. You say you are not depressed but you really need to talk to someone in rl about how you feel, preferably some urgent counselling.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Thanks, Pearly. Like I said, I don't physically want to do anything right now, I've just come to the realisation that I've had enough. And I know it's not depression talking. Counselling won't make any difference, I'm afraid. I don't mind that I can't have children. But I am fed up being the permanent third wheel as I have no single friends at all, everyone is coupled, everyone says they can't understand why I am single. I shall be 40 next year. I'd rather bow out then than carry on solo.

[Elderflowergranita]

Jessica, the feeling that 'you've had enough' sounds very much like depression to me. Maybe trying to label it is unhelpful, but I do know (from personal experience) how very very helpful counselling can be in your situation.

If you truly were getting pleasure out of every day life, you most certainly wouldn't be feeling like this.

Please seek help - you sound like a lovely intelligent person.

[AuntieBrenda]

Please go to your gp. Even just show them this thread. Please.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Thanks, Elder. I had counselling with one of my two bouts of depression. I know it probably sounds odd but I genuinely know I don't have depression. Both occasions in the past I started sleeping far too much, I lost a huge amount of weight, I cried a lot, became argumentative, didn't want to do anything, I literally didn't laugh for over a year both times (everyone commented because I am normally very happy-go-lucky). None of that is true this time. I have no problem sleeping, I'm eating normally, no weight issues, I went out with friends Friday night and had a nice time, lots of laughs. I've made plans for things later in the year. I've just had enough of coming home alone and waking up every morning alone and have given myself a deadline. I appreciate I may not be in a relationship this time next year but if I haven't even had a few dates, then I will bail out before my 40th. I am perfectly calm and rational about it.

[Gilberte]

This is desperately sad. Please phone someone, family, friends, samaritans. Can you get some support from somewhere?

It must be hard being single if you don't want to be but there must be men out there who don't want children. Have you tried looking for people that already have children, older men,divorcees etc. Not all of them would want a second family.

I realise a lot of people get disillusioned with online dating ( I have friends who didn't find it helpful)- is it worth trying evening classes as a way to widen your social circle.

I do wish you well-please ask for help.

[Elderflowergranita]

Jessica listen to me. When I was at my most depressed I had what I perceived to be a crystal clear logical view of the world. I actually felt sorry for people around me who weren't able to perceive the way life worked.

I was lucky enough to be counselled by someone who allowed me to see how warped my perceptions had become.

Depression isn't a 'one size fits all' set of symptoms. Just because you're eating and sleeping etc doesn't mean that you are not in a difficult place, mental health wise. I know you feel that you are being utterly logical, and you're putting forth a good argument as to why you should give yourself a 'deadline'. This in itself is a a major red flag for depression.

Please jessica, listen to what I'm saying here. I'm in no way downplaying how difficult life can be. Setting yourself a deadline however is an incredibly negative and destructive way to think.

PLease, please seek help. I care, and I've never even met you. Imagine how your RL friends would feel if they knew you felt this unhappy.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Thanks, Gilberte, but I don't need to ring anyone (and it wouldn't be my family anyway, my parents are aged and will be asleep) as I have no intention of doing anything NOW.

Interestingly, on both occasions of depression in the past, I was a real dribbling mess, had a couple of friends die, but never felt I wanted to end things.

I am out every night of the week with various hobbies and classes, as I say I have a good social life. I tend to turn down a couple of invites each week for lunches, or drinks, or parties, or dinners. Socialising and keeping busy is not an issue. But I'm fed up going to all of them and being the only singleton. It just sort of shoves it down your throat.

I reconciled myself to not having children years ago, and have no issue with that. But, as with being surrounded by couples, being with someone who has their own kids (assuming they don't want any more) also flags up what I can't have. I did try dating someone with kids in the past and it made me feel I was missing out. Added to which I was very definitely a low priority for the man behind his kids - that's fine if they are both yours, not otherwise.

You're all being very kind, I just needed somewhere to explain things somehow.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Elder, my friends know. I've talked about it with some of them. They also appreciate there is nothing they can do about it. None of them can magic up someone to love me and who I love back. And that is the only thing that I want. I have everything else but it's not enough.

[Elderflowergranita]

Jessica I do understand how difficult it is being 'out there'. You do sound like you have a busy life. Interestingly, I recently had a conversation on this topic with friend whom I hadn't seen in ages. She too is longing to have someone special in her life.

The crucial difference is that she hasn't decide to end her life in a years time, if she hasn't met that special person. I feel that you may be overly investing in the dream of meeting that perfect person.

Ultimately, we all must find something within ourselves to sustain us. As great as it may be to have a special relationship, we are all independent beings. No one else can 'save' you or give you a perfectly fulfilled life. You must do that for yourself.

You really really need to speak to a professional about how you feel. I hope things start to look up for you. x

[sensesworkingovertime]

Hi there OP, I am very sorry to hear how you are feeling. You seem to talk, if you don't mind me saying, very bluntly about coming to the end with everything at some point. I think you should listen to other posters on here that say you may indeed be depressed as you don't seem to be thinking rationally. you should be talking to a professional of some kind.

Is it being in a couple that matters to you more, or having children, or both? Have you ever thought of adoption at all, I knew a single lady who adopted a lovely little boy, it may not be the answer for you but just came to my mind and I wondered if you had ever thought about it.

Meanwhile it sounds like you have a lot of good things going on in your life but I understand that you want more, I have felt like this and have a situation (bit different to yours) at the moment where I constantly think 'everyone else has got the kind of life I cannot have' and it is very hard to cope. Hope you find some help. Take care

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Senses - thank you. As awful as it sounds, having dated someone with kids, I know that if I can't have my own, I just can't "take on" someone else's. I know that's a hated phrase by some on MN, I just can't find the right words at the moment! I don't mean it in a nasty way. I've accepted I'm not going to have my own and that's OK. In fact, I've built a life knowing that's not happening and have a really busy social life that I would find hard to give up I think. I just want someone to share things with.

Elder - I don't care if it isn't necessarily "the one". A couple of dates would make me feel there was the possibility of meeting someone out there. A short-term relationship would be something to "keep me going" and make me see that it is worth hanging on in there for. But there is only so much doing stuff on your own, turning some things down because you are fed up being the only single person and constantly getting asked "so, are you seeing anyone" and constantly replying "no" (while thinking "fuck off"). I have yet another wedding invite for later in the year for a cousin who is disabled. Yet again, another wedding where I shall be probably the only solo there.

I know you all think I am depressed and I can understand why. I have always believed in euthanasia if people are ill and had enough. I don't see the difference, actually. If one has had enough, why shouldn't one say, "that'll do now".

I don't smell of desperation and put people off because I never meet anyone single TO put off!

[Ilikethebreeze]

I dont know if you are depressed or not, maybe not.

I know someone like you. But when she was your age or maybe a couple of years older, somewere around there, quietly , she accepted being single. So you cannot guarantee that in 6 months times, you wont have accepted it.
She is actually in a relationship now, a few years down the line. I dont think they will ever get married, but she does have a signifact someone in her life who she sees regularly. And both of them seem happy with the arrangement.

The other things I can think of.
Would having pets help? You may not know for sure until you try it.
Would having a lodger help, or you become a lodger, or flat share or house share. Again, you may not know until you try it.

hth

[Ilikethebreeze]

The other thing that strikes me is that you have no single friends.
The person who I was talking about in the last post did.There were a group of about 4 of them. 3 women and 1 male[none of them fancied each other iyswim]. But it did mean, when they went out, they had like minded others to talk to, and gravitate towards when they were in larger, more coupled groups.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Ilike - thanks. I like in one-bedroom flat, so lodgers aren't an option. I remember housesharing when a student. Lots of noises of shagging next door!!! Hmmm, don't think THAT would help :)

I had dogs growing up. I could potentially have a dog as I have a garden, but I tend to have to leave for work at 7.20 am and am never home before 6 pm and often much later, so not really fair on a dog.

It is odd, I am in three sports clubs, two drama groups, a book group and a good mix of ages, and there are NO single people among them at all. Not one. Of my closest group of friends, around a dozen of us, the last (excepting me) single one got coupled last September.

I don't mind if I have a relationship with someone and we don't get married or lived in separate houses. I don't think it's too much to ask to want to have someone who thinks the world of me and loves me and I can think the same of.

I do suspect the fact that I am an only child and that once my parents are gone, all the family I have is one cousin who lives nowhere near and we're not close, it will just be me, has a lot to do with it.

[Ilikethebreeze]

I am wondering where you are living. It sounds like coupleland.
Not sure where that would be but there must be places or areas like that. Cant say I have given it much thought before.
I would have thought that maybe a bigger city that wouldnt happen it?
Sports clubs, for instance, would have singles I would have thought?

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Ilike - it's weird. I tell a lie, just realised, there are a couple of singles at one of the sports clubs, but they are students and almost 20 years younger. No singles in their 30s or 40s (I am borderline). I live in Gloucestershire, with Cheltenham and Gloucester being on the doorstep (population 250,000).

[MooncupGoddess]

Hmm - it is hard being the only single person amidst a sea of couples. And I sympathise about your lack of family - that definitely makes things harder.

But do remember that, yes, being in a really good relationship with someone is great, but there are lots of people in a relationship who are really unhappy. And lots of people who are in a perfectly decent relationship but really unhappy because they lack something else - e.g. no friends, infertility, awful job situation, no money etc.

You've fixated on one area of your life and decided that problems in this area mean your life isn't worth living. You may not be depressed but your thought patterns are definitely abnormal and it would be worth talking through these issues with someone to find out why you are quite so miserable about this.

(Putting my cynical hat on... I was once moaning to an older friend about the lack of other single people around, and he said that I just needed to wait a few years and some of the couples would start getting divorced.)

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Mooncup - oh, I've had that one about divorces. And I've been in an unhappy relationship, so I know it's not all rosy. But even when things weren't great you had companionship, someone there in the morning or last thing at night so you never felt alone.

I think it is simply that you want someone to share things with. Ideally, someone you love. Friends are great, but if they are all coupled, you can't even go off on holiday with someone and the sort of places I'd like to go to I would want to share with someone because I don't lie on beaches all day.

And, without being too blunt, I miss cuddles and snogs and sex too.

[TheConstantLurker]

Jessica I'm really sorry you are feeling so fed up. I'll tell you about my experience in case it helps at all. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. Then maybe two or three years ago I saw it from another angle, from the perspective of those who would be affected by my suicide. Family yes but also friends, colleagues even passing acquaintances. Some would be devastated, some deeply affected others less so but none would carry on unscathed by it. I imagined how I would feel if one of my friends killed themselves and that has put an end to any 'logical' suicide thoughts.
It's not a burden of guilt that would stop me it's just not an option now or ever if there is one person that would be affected.
I hope that doesn't make you feel bad. It is not intended to.
I hope that you can find the contentment you are seeking.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Hi lurker - yes, I have 'considered' that. Obviously, before too much longer I won't have any family to be devastated! As for my friends, yes, I have thought about that. But my take is that my friends can't do anything to rectify this. All they could do is to listen to me moan on and on (which I don't do, I hasten to add). And I suppose I would hope that my friends wouldn't actually want me to spend years and years feeling lonely, unhappy, depressed (because I obviously will get that way if things didn't change) and thoroughly miserable.

[TheConstantLurker]

Hmm. Well yes they might have to listen to you moaning. But they might not. You don't know. Are you choosing to believe in a worst case scenario?
If my friend asked me if I would prefer her to kill herself now or to have to listen to her moaning for x number of years I would choose the second option.
If you carry on there is a possibility of change. If you don't then then there is none.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

lurker - I get there is the possibility of change. But I also know me. Some people can perhaps cope with that possibility for 30 years. I can't. I can't hold out that things will change unless I see at least some glimmer of hope that it can change. Seriously, if I have another 3 years without a single date, despite putting myself out there, doing online dating, being a fabulous social butterfly, then I am sorry, but that will be six years of the same thing with not a glimmer of something changing. I won't be wanting to do another 3 or 6 years of that. I will choose to have an accident.

What I would hope is that my friends, who know me well, would understand and forgive me for choosing to opt out rather than spend another 30 years of loneliness or feeling downright unhappy. It wouldn't be their fault. I don't think my friends would want that for me, or would want me to be miserable and lonely just so they felt better by my not opting out. I know that sounds horrendously selfish.