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I'm a horrible person

(18 Posts)
Spikeytree Sun 05-May-13 19:44:14

That's it really. I'm such a horrible disgusting person. All of my friends have disappeared, everyone at work hates me and I'm tired, so tired. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to die. I feel guilty for wanting to die but then again I realise that at every single person I know will be better off without me being a drain on them. I try to distract myself but I the thoughts of dying take over. I'm evil inside, poisoned, and I poison those around me. I need to not be in the world anymore.

Snog Sun 05-May-13 19:49:22

are you a mummy?

kim147 Sun 05-May-13 19:54:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spikeytree Sun 05-May-13 20:00:20

I don't have any children. I don't actually have a life. I just exist. Go to work, come home, work some more, go to bed, repeat.

I've emailed the samaritans but they just ask questions and the answers are never good.

CognitiveOverload Sun 05-May-13 20:05:02

Have you spoken to your gp about these feelings? Could be depression? I really really doubt you are a horrible person. Maybe you just need support to get you through this tough time.

kim147 Sun 05-May-13 20:07:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodgrief54 Sun 05-May-13 20:23:33

Spikeytree you sound as if you need some help and someone to talk to. There are lots of people who have felt the same way and it is because they are ill not a horrible person. Please go and see your gp on tuesday and they will be able to put you in touch with some experts. i know from experience that losing someone devastates peoples lives and your family would not feel any relief if you were not there, just pain. Please believe in yourself, you are having a bad time but you can make it through. There are people who want desperately to help you. Big hugs x

Snog Sun 05-May-13 20:35:53

Talk to your GP
Spring is here
Life can be good for you and I am sorry you feel so bad right now. things can get so much better for you. Take the first step and talk to your GP

Spikeytree Sun 05-May-13 22:22:45

I am just an inconvenience to my family. I went to visit my brother today, all arranged last week, confirmed last night, drove for 90 minutes to get there and when I arrived there was no-one in. Got a text 2 hours later to say they had all gone to the pub to watch football. Why would someone do that if I wasn't a horrible person they needed to avoid? That just confirmed it for me.

I've been on ADs before but they do nothing for me and the need to rid the world of this horrible pestilence is overwhelming.

Snog Mon 06-May-13 06:27:17

Sounds like depression - please reach out for help to your gp

Spikeytree Mon 06-May-13 16:08:44

I've been to my GP before and been on all sorts of medication. I'm just tired of it all now. I'm not depressed I'm just a terrible person and that's why I'm alone. It is all I deserve. I just want to die.

goodgrief54 Sat 11-May-13 22:03:20

hi spikeytree. just wanted to check how you are? have you been to the gp? x

Spikeytree Mon 13-May-13 21:35:32

Not been to the GP, there is no point. Just get told I'm depressed, but this is just me - bloody miserable and awful. Work has been full on and I had a weekend course so I've been distracted, but feeling like there is just no point to anything.

Decoy Mon 13-May-13 23:30:41

> Why would someone do that if I wasn't a horrible person they needed to avoid?

Because they are selfish and unkind, perhaps? What sort of person invites a guest to their home and then does that? That really doesn't sound like your fault.

I know you've been to the GP and tried different medication before. Are you on medication at the moment? Isn't there a chance the GP may be right when he/she says you are depressed? Can you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist?

What you are feeling isn't normal. It sounds very much like depression to me. Blaming yourself is a symptom, and so is feeling like "this time is different".

brettgirl2 Tue 14-May-13 07:12:06

I think it's far more likely that you are very depressed. Please get some help, do your family often treat you like this? Over many years it would seriously affect your confidence and self worth I imagine.

Spikeytree Tue 14-May-13 17:25:59

Nothing works (CBT, psychologist etc) because the thoughts I have aren't negative, they are true. I'm an all round failure and general waste of space. I've been off meds since September, couldn't face it anymore so just stopped them cold turkey.

Thanks for replying.

Decoy Tue 14-May-13 18:03:18

I don't think your thoughts are true, it's your depression which makes you think they are sad So it sounds like you've tried a psychologist - what about a psychiatrist who may have some more ideas about other medications (or combinations) which could help? I would really recommend you see the GP and be completely honest with them.

Spikeytree Tue 14-May-13 18:24:37

I'm not allowed to see a psychiatrist because the mental health team said that the CBT should have worked but I didn't let it. I'm not helping myself so they won't help me. Hence I'm a horrible person.

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