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So desperate

(729 Posts)
GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:54:14

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 09:26:20

Feel like i'm going to have a panic attack!

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 09:41:29

I dont know much about this sort of thing so am bumping.
Will it be bad if you have a stay at day hospital, or is it more a case of you dont know what is coming next?
See, this where it would be helpful for you to have someone in rl with you.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 12:03:39

But people work or have their own families to deal with, can't expect people to drop everything, plus I didn't know how long i'd be there. Starting tomorrow a.m and seeing cpn too, but feel I've really let her down. I don't know if I want to go or not, but not sure I have a choice.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 17:59:26

Shouldn't read certain threads on here but I do, and didn't realise what a trigger they can be. Also it scares me how much people don't understand mh. I think if I dropped dd off at nursery tomorrow and said 'bye, mummy's off to a mental hospital for the day' I would get avoided and dd would lose some playmates. Of course there are those who try to understand, but it's being brave enough to find out.

My anxiety is so bad, so jumpy, just thought someone was in my garden, and keep thinking something bad's going to happen. Wish they would give me some pills for it. Bought wine for tonight, not a good thing I know blush

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 18:26:30

I was just going to see if you were ok.
I am aware from having read the MH board, that they can indeed be triggering.
Yes, unfortunately she might lose some playmates. But you would know that the ones she got and the parents were on your side and understanding and helpful.

Some people unfortuneately seem to be unable to see and empathise with what others can see. It may not be their fault.

Hoophopes Tue 07-May-13 19:09:58

asking or accepting help is ok. People wouldn't offer if they didn't mean it. And when somene breaks an arm and cannot manage things so well friends offer to help - it is no different. It is not as if this needing help will continue forever, it is for now. And I have realised that people do help each other, it is part of having relationships with each other. And if people do not accept, then people cannot offer - and people like to give.

Hope it goes ok. Its not about letting down your cpn - your cpn is your care co-ordinator adn she will be helping you have the care that you need right now, which is more intensive than seeing her weekly right now. The cpn will be there,as think they have the joy of all the paperwork!!

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 22:19:06

Thing is, some close friends/family knew about an od a couple of years ago, and know i'm under cmht, have appts etc, but no one offers help, or knows what to say, that's why it's hard to ask. And I did break my arm a couple of months ago, quite badly, and people rallied around and I accepted help, as it was an obvious problem.

Anyway, I feel quite on a high today, feel very strange, Like my mind is buzzing. Went to shops and bought dd a few bits as feel so guilty i'm her mum! I don't know who I am anymore, doing things that are impulsive, out of character, then I crash and can't get out of bed. Suicdal thoughts are too constant, they've become normal iykwim. Then it builds up and urges get too bad. Quite grateful i'm going to day hospital and getting help, for dd's sake, but i'll be so gutted if I don't get out of this.

Hoophopes Tue 07-May-13 22:57:30

Your mum did offer to do your shopping and people do take your dd to nursery for you now, so it sounds like people are offering help, perhaps you cannot see that though? I know when I am very unwell I struggle to see what is really happening.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 23:03:05

Yeah I think it's more about me not asking/accepting as it's not physical. Was easier to do with a broken arm. So, so tired but too wired to sleep.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 23:17:14

Hi Gracie saw you on a couple of other threads, didn't realise things were so bad for you recently. I don't know what day hospital is like, but do know about being an in-patient, and also about drop in centres. Where I find the great thing is talking to other people with mh issues, cos we understand and help each other, and realise there is no shame in being ill.

Sending warm wishes and a brew

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 06:48:15

Horrible night, and now feel too exhausted, sick and shaky to go to a new place with new people. Think it might be a long day.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 07:02:52

I think that at some point you need to divide up your friends/family into categories as to who are the ones that know and dont do much,
those that know and are helpful and you can rely on.
And , maybe most crucially, those who dont know. I think, in these sorts of circumstances, it turns out to be surprising who ends up stepping up to the plate, and who starts to fade away for whatever reason. And some of the people you know, who you might not think will support you well, are the ones who can and do.

I hope it all goes well for you today Gracie x

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 08:47:43

I don't want to go. Feel like a zombie and want to spend the day in bed, but I suppose that's the point of going, so I can't lie there planning how to end it. Scared though.

Thanks for all the support and advice.

kerstina Wed 08-May-13 09:02:29

Just wanted to say thinking of you,hope it goes ok, let us know how you get on.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 08-May-13 09:24:10

You are going to somewhere where they will understand. [hugs]

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 09:46:06

Feel so uncomfortable. Why am I here?!

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 08-May-13 09:56:36

Well, you aren't well, gracie love. There will be good staff at the hospital, hopefully, and perhaps you'll find someone who will help you feel more comfortable.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 10:08:35

But I'm worried about my cpn coming and saying I shouldn't be here. She's going to be annoyed with me. I want to be at home, I can't believe this is all my fault. Poor dd, at nursery while I'm here, not a clue what's going on. I might as well just not be here, as i'm such a failure.

Staff are still in a meeting, waiting for first session to start.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 08-May-13 10:18:47

Well, it's good DD is at nursery, not knowing what's going on. And it isn't all your fault, mental ill health is no-one's fault, although I do understand the feeling. But it is just a feeling, like the feeling that you are a failure. You are not a failure, you have a DD who loves you, you post on MN, you are doing what you have been advised in order to get better.

Can't see why the CPN should be annoyed with you? You mean about the od? That is over and done now, you are taking the first small steps to recovery.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 12:34:56

Just been told my cpn is leaving, absolutely gutted, bawling my eyes out. Wasn't expecting it as only been seeing her for a couple of months and she was really good. I can't cope with stuff like this, I know it's pathetic but I feel so upset and alone.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 12:54:26

I know you find it very hard when medical staff leave. It has happened before hasn't it.
I realise and rememebr you said it brings back memories of someone else who left in your life.
Please remember it wont be anything to do with what you have done or said.
I suppose it is what happens. Staff leave sometimes.
You could do without that happening though.
Did she mention at all a new person? I realise that is not much of a consolation right now at all.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 13:14:27

Yeah the one was there but didn't take to her. Feel so shit right now. Left for the day, going to two weeks then will be discharged. I don't know why I find it so hard when people leave and I turn into an emotional wreck, but I do, I really do. Got to pick up dd now with a blotchy face and no make up.

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 15:41:59

I just keep crying, can't cope with this right now.

Ilikethebreeze Wed 08-May-13 16:28:55

You said you found it so hard because of your dad.
Which is very understandable.

Are you home now?

GracieLoo Wed 08-May-13 16:35:56

Yeah I am, just sat on my bed bawling while dd is watching a film. Just want to speak to cpn again, I know how needy that sounds, but that's what I struggle with, suddenly losing the contact with someone. I don't know what to do. I know I'm over reacting, not in a good frame of mind right now and not thinking rationally. Everything seems too much.

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