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So desperate

(729 Posts)
GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:54:14

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 19:21:59

It took a lot for me to say anything, find talking to close people really hard. I don't like opening up. I feel like an attention seeker and I hate worrying people. I don't think people understand when they haven't been through it.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 19:28:05

You are not an atention seeker. I have seen your posts to know that.
And true that people will not entirely understand if they have not been through it.

The worrying people bit.
I know someone who didnt want to worry his family about what was wrong with him, And he left going to the GP too late because of it.
His family would much much much rather still have him around.
Please think about that.

Hoophopes Sun 05-May-13 20:11:58

Hi - you say you want to be somewhere where not asked lots of questions, made cups of tea etc ..... could you go and stay with a friend or a family member for a few days and get some tlc? Easier to say than do I know.

Crisis Team will always check whether you want them to visit -some people don't want them, or it is a bad time to be visited etc. And sometimes they get delayed and have to come at a different time as they travel around an area etc (roadworks here cause problems right now!)

Hope you have a good night and have managed to eat and drink so you have energy for tomorrow.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 21:48:25

I don't think there's anywhere I could go and not be questioned constantly about stuff. Oh I just want all this to stop. I don't know who I am anymore. I've eaten a sandwich today, still feeling spaced out and weird. Want to od again but fighting urges as dd's here.

Ilikethebreeze Sun 05-May-13 21:56:20

Could you go to a B&B or say a travelodge.
A travelodge for example often have places to eat in them. So you could be in your room or not. And food on tap.
You can go even for just one night.

GracieLoo Sun 05-May-13 22:42:28

If I went away I wouldn't want to come back. Feel so alone. Trying to sleep but keep getting flashbacks of Friday night and there are big chunks missing. I can't remember what happened.

Hoophopes Sun 05-May-13 23:07:00

Hi, you are not likely to remember all of fri. But remember you chose to call for that ambulance, you want to get better. it is tough right now but hopefully things will improve very soon for you. Why not think about tomorrow and try to focus on planning the day... Meals for dd, what activities you might do?

I find writing a short list, a structure helps me. Just focusing on one chunk of time, one thing to do. Sometimes just going and sitting in a coffee shop helps me, with a paper and drink, makes me feel less alone. Or go to library to get out of house, but easy activity with a dc.

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 06:51:33

Another bad night, kept waking up, night sweats, bad dreams, urgh. I wake up physically shaking. I'm going to take it hour by hour today. Dd wants to go to a fair later, but my first task is to actually get up and have a shower. I'm so exhausted.

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 07:47:27

I can't do this sad

Badvoc Mon 06-May-13 07:53:56

Yes you can.
Divide the hours into 15 min chunks.
Get through them and before you now it it will be bedtime.
So..shower, that's your first 15 mins.
Sort out your dd, that's another gone.
Breakfast, another one.
Am so sorry you are so low x

Slainte Mon 06-May-13 10:45:05

You can do this Gracie, you really can.

Listen to the advice from Badvoc and Hoophopes, break the day into small portions and just concentrate on doing small tasks.

Don't worry about not remembering some of Friday, that's gone now.

Think about getting through today, hour by hour, and don't look any further than that.

I really wish I could give you loads more advice but I'm sure others will be along shortly with much more wisdom than me.

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 16:34:41

Saw the ct this morning, got an appt tomorrow to talk about day hospital. Then took dd out, was hot, she was whingey, and taking it out on me. Wish I hadn't bothered, now got a splitting headache and don't want to see anyone.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 06-May-13 16:42:33

This is what I think you should do.
Take a break in say a Travelodge. Leave your DD with your exp or your mum, or even a friend. I know you say you would want to stay there. But lets deal with one day at a time.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 06-May-13 16:43:35

Can you tell me why you could not live with your mum for the time being.
You may have said why not before.

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 16:54:21

There are lot's of reasons I can't stay at my mums, one being I think that would make me feel worse and taking a step backwards, and I would hate it. Re staying away, I don't think I could afford it and i'd be on my own. They want me to go to day hospital anyway so I couldn't.

DD is being horrible to me which makes me feel even worse, especially when it took all my energy to take her out today. Not her fault though.

freyapoppy Mon 06-May-13 17:05:35

You poor thing!sad, bless you, I have been where you are now & it is very scary & unreal at the time, most importantly give yourself a break & huge pat on the back for asking for help & getting this far ok!?Big hugs xxx
Next just rest,rest & more rest,.leave housework,make up etc,.let family & friends take over & don't feel guilty about it!You are not well & have possibly had a breakdown sweetie. Be completely honest with your GP, crisis team & anyone else who comes along, they can only help you if they get the true picture, they wont judge you, just get you the right support.
You have been incredibly brave so far & I Know you love your baby with all your heart, so hold on to that feeling and never let go...she will get you through this, having her their needing you is what will help you rebuild yourself!You can do it, but it wont be overnight, just take each day at a time & be nice to youself, you deserve to be looked after too you know, us Mums are super special & our kids would be totally lost & devestated without us!!
Sending you love GracieLoo, here if you need to talk xxx

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 18:05:51

Dd is having a tantrum, not like her, she's too old for this. I have no energy to deal with it. This is why I shouldn't be here, it's starting to affect her. I knew it would. Putting her to bed early then try to sleep myself.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 06-May-13 18:18:13

To me the merry go round of chmt, crisis team, hospital isnt making you any better.
I think you need a rethink about things such as staying with your mum, or a friend.

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 18:28:46

This is the worst I've ever felt, and only 2nd/3rd time with crisis team. It's not easy for me to just go to my mums. I'm opening up more and will accept support in other ways. Also family/friends aren't trained to deal with these things, and might not always say/do the right things.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 06-May-13 18:43:55

Glad you are opening up more, I think that will help you.

Hoophopes Mon 06-May-13 19:03:26

Hi - hope appointment for day hospital goes well. I spent a week at day hospital, for me it wasn't right - so hope it helps you. What will you do with your dd when you are there? I know you say family and friends are not trained, but the advantage is they are there all the time and can help out with your dd and they can help out with practical things at home that you may struggle with. Hospitals and CT etc don't do cooking, cleaning, shopping, nursery runs etc - which is why it is helpful to be a bit open to people to help with those things. Could you ask for referral to home start if your dd is under five - you may get someone come round to be with you for 2 hours a week, that is not family, to help you at home?

GracieLoo Mon 06-May-13 19:40:23

How did you find day hospital then Hoophopes? I've been before, got mixed feelings about it. Family/friends know enough that I can ask them to do nursery drop off, cleaning etc. That's ok, the practical stuff is fine. I'm just not the type of person to go crying to family or friends, never have been and don't think that will change.

Hoophopes Mon 06-May-13 22:32:09

Hi. Asking family and friends does not always mean crying or asking them to have deep talks. It can be just having somewhere to to make sure you and your dd are safe. It is often, for me, not being alone, having distractions that help.

For my I found the day hospital did not work. Am sure they are all different and everyone has different needs. I was there 5 hours a day for one week. Some people just go for a few half days a week after that. I stopped as they agreed that it was not helpful for me. I did not enjoy being with other people that were not well, for me that did not help distract me or help me move forward. Hard to explain but for me it was not right. Perhaps I was too well as spent most of my time reading the paper. Little to do. Few word games, walking group once a week and an art group.

Hope meeting tomorrow goes well for you.

GracieLoo Tue 07-May-13 07:57:47

I'm really nervous, not sure if they'll make me stay at the day hospital today. I've started to realise i'm going to have to address all these issues and emotions, instead of being allowed to hide away in bed pretending none of this is happening.

I know I need help getting out of this as the bad thoughts are there, and i'm thinking when can I plan to do it. I can't stand this pain anymore. Was just shaking with anxiety making dd's packed lunch, got absolutely no food left so will have to go to shop later. Mum offered to get stuff but I feel like I should be able to do these simple things, and it's hard accepting help.

Ilikethebreeze Tue 07-May-13 08:18:34

Most of us have help. In fact, I am of the opinion that all of us need help.
You are trying to do everything yourself. That is not really how life needs to work. We all rely on others from time to time. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I would say that it is absolutely essential.
Let your mum help. x

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