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that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

(971 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Thu 02-May-13 23:31:36

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 09:50:26

Ed, you did loads yesterday - thats brilliant, shame about the mouse though.

Level 1 here, i really need to change my trousers and make plans for the day - im still obsessing about not being able to look for work and had a little cry to DP. I think ive upset him.

Vicar, im so glad you have had a nice time at the stables, it certainly will give you something to hold on to when work is tough. A lovely positive thing, for you - that is so important. I think we forget about ourselves too much.

CIQ - glad you liked the theatre, i haven't been for ages, the last thing i saw was the rocky horror show grin

I hope that everyone has a good weekend - im looking out the window and feeling a little piqued that it seems to be cloudy and windy. I think I will let DD go to pony club then DP and I can get a couple of hours to ourselves and go for a walk.

Hello to Nana, Snowy, Silvery, basset xxx

Miggsie - i hope you come back, please don't be put off by the fact that everyone seems to know everyone - we really just pick up as we go along with day to day stuff, I don't know anyone's backstories really and find this thread is good for coping wiht the here and now but we are all happy to listen to what it is that is making you feel bad. No-one judges on this thread.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 11:45:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 11:45:43

I've been lurking on these threads for a couple of weeks now, and I just want to tell you that they've kept me going.They're the highlight of my day.
Had bad depression 3 years ago thought I was better but it came back, I got put on 100mg sertraline 3 weeks ago and felt as sick as a dog. I'm in uni doing an MA and am on placement with a MH team ( the irony!). I've kept going. Just. So scared of having to drop out.
Got DH and 4 DC, 3 still at home.
Starting to feel better, still really sleepy and unmotivated, nauseous too.
Tell me tho, what are the levels, and what is GAD?
Loads of love to you all.

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 11:55:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 04-May-13 11:58:36

Hi hoochy

Just a quickie as I plan to disappear from mn and engage with my housework and children.

The levels relate to how well dressed we are.

To a certain extent what they actually consist of is personal.

Level 1 - PJs
Level 2 - stuff you would normally slob round the house but probably wouldn't wear out. For me this would be trackie bottoms and a top.
Level 3 - everyday stuff for me this would be jeans and a top.

So level 1 would be nightware. Level 3 would be something you would wear to supermarket. Level 2 is inbetween.

Bonuses can be added in the form of make up, jewellery, hair straightening. Stuff like that.

It just gives an indication of motivation and mood.

GAD is genaelised anxiety disorder I think. The gad7 scale linked is just the way memtal health professionals monitor and quantitate the level of anxiety.

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 12:04:46

Thanks, I think it is in families sometimes, my dad had depression and DS has been under the care of MH services for a while.
Having a good day today MADE myself go for a walk this am and felt better for it. Just put washing on line and it is now sopping wet due to rain! You win, you lose. x

Queenofknickers Sat 04-May-13 12:12:39

Hello everyone. Just place marking really. Level 1 today - bank hols bit of a trigger for me. Cannot think of anything can face doing atm - just want to sleep and hide - what a waste. feel sorry for DH and DCs being stuck with me although they seem to mainly work around me now. sad

hoochymama1 Sat 04-May-13 12:14:09

Good grief I'm GAD 18, but on the plus side level 3. Bonus points for mascara and straightening?

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 04-May-13 12:49:55

Def bonus points.

We've just hd a 15min family tidy.

Ive cleaned out the fridge. This alone shows how badly I fell off the wagon.

My salad drawer was truly minging. I had a cucumber in there with 8apr on. except it didnt look much like a cucumber any more. Thats before the pack holiday, which means I haven't properly been shopping since before that.

I'm now trying to get over my rim job by laying on my bed crocheting...

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 13:11:44

level 2. On the bonus side I have been shredding/sorting for 1.5 hours, just taking a break.

Hope everyone's having a good morning.

NanaNina Sat 04-May-13 13:46:00

Hello Hoochy and welcome. I think the trouble is with dep/anx it is something that can (and often does) re-occur. If you have 1 severe episode you have a 50% chance of a second one, though I am talking severe (needing admission to psych ward) I had my first major episode of depression/anx in 1995 following the death of my closest friend. 3 months stay on psych ward - made complete recovery and got on with my life and stayed on the meds (100mg imipramine - an old fashioned AD tryclic) till 2008. I tried coming off them a couple of times on my own and another twice with GP advice, and each time I had withdrawal symptoms and went back on them. Incidentally the GPs never mentioned withdrawal symptoms and said the depression had returned and should stay on meds. Oh how I wish I had taken that advice.

In 2008 I began seeing a psychiatrist who had an expertise in helping people come off prescribed meds. She told me I needed to be in charge of the reduction and not to reduce any more than 25 mg per month. I decided to reduce 10 mg per month and was off them by July 2009. Had some life stresses in the autumn of 09, broke my leg, grand-daughter very ill and I got campylobacter (like salmonella) which laid me low for weeks. By Christmas 09 I was a physical and emotional wreck and began to suspect that dep/anx was building up again and I went back to the pyschologist (who didn't believe in ADs) and saw her for 3 months and I was getting worse and worse. Finally I caved in Easter 2010 and again was admitted to pysch ward with 3 month stay. However this time I haven't made a complete recovery and I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 years, but with far more good days than bad. Beginning to stabilise now after psych adding mirtazipan 30mg to my existing prescription (now 200mg) so double what I was on for all those years. I bitterly regret ever coming off the meds in the first place. I had no side effects and held down a responsible job.

Sorry that took longer than I intended........I suppose this is why I wonder why people do come off meds if they are well and they are not causing side effects, but I know many people come off them successfully. I am 69 so I have less time to go on them for "life" than many younger women!!

You have a lot on your plate Hoochy but glad you are starting to feel better, and the side effects will probably subside over time. Can I ask if you were on sertraline before. Yes the irony indeed of a placement in the MH team - you might pick up some useful info! You mention being scared of having to drop out and this sounds like anxiety, as that is the medical name for fear........I think you need to take care because if your stress levels get very high, or your anxiety worsens, you could not make the recovery that is essential for you. Is it absolutely esential that you complete the MA - could you not postpone it if it becomes too much? Incidentally what profession are you heading for................?

Lem I think you need to but the thing about find a job on the back burner. Your DH is telling you to do this, but I guess you are feeling bad/guilty about not making your contribution to the household expenses. You wouldn't be thinking of getting a job if you had a serious physical illness, and would realise that you would need to fully recover first. Unfortunately with mental illness, we think we should be able to "make ourselves better" and even feel guilty and (in my case) ashamed of the illness. You are far from well and if you try a job now, it will I am sure delay your recovery. A very wise psychiatrist told me on my first admission "don't do anything that is an ordeal" - many people don't have the luxury to decide, but you do, so please stop worrying. You have years and years ahead of you to work outside of the home.

UA I am a bit worried about answering as you are one of the poster on this thread person who I know little about. I have see your post about your dad's demise and the worry of all that, when you are suffering with mental health problems. Funerals are a ridiculous cost and it can be done much cheaper on a DIY basis, but when people are bereaved is not the time to research this.

QofK I know sooooo well that feeling of wanting to sleep and hide. Somehow the emotional pain seems less if we are under the duvet. My CPN was dead against it, but nice as she was, she hadn't ever suffered from MH issues herself and I think only people who experience the torment of mental illness themselves can understand. Oh god I am always saying that!!

Miggsie where are you - can you come back for a little while.

Ed glad you are having a good day. I know so well those disgusting half cucumbers in the fridge and other gunk at the bottom of the sala/veg drawers!!

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 04-May-13 14:12:34

My latest crochet should be on my profile.

Off to make milkshake...apparently. ..

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 14:23:46

Those are gorgeous, you're one talented crocheter Ed!

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 04-May-13 16:18:30

Thanks snowy. I am sefl taught over last 2-3 months but I am only as good as the pattern I am following.

My final crochet is up and is probably my favourite.

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 16:28:14

It'sa me, Mario!

I'm exhausted now, I need to remember to pace confused

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 04-May-13 17:09:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 17:13:32

im just popping on to rant and rave and shout and angry

i have been in tears all day.

someone at work has totally ripped me to shreds. I have done nothing wrong, but its a supervisor (not even my supervisor!!!) who thinks i should not be on a phased return, got me into an office and bollocked me loudly enough for the adjoining office to hear.
thinks im taking the piss, and went on to say that somemone else who had a physical injury has come back faster than me....yadda yadda yadda....

so i asked what they knew about why i was off (they should know sod all because its fuck all to do with them....)

got no definitive answer to that one. i said i felt belittled. i said my return has been carefully arranged with occy health etc to which he said that they will "only be going on what ive told them" so he basically thinks im a total fraud.
he went on to say that i need to prove myself and i wont do that by sticking to my phased return times.
i apparently have a bad attitude. If i am told to do something by supervision that i must do it,
he started bleating on about some non existent issue with my qualification (there were no issues with my qualification - christ knows what he is on about - he may be thinking of a time i failed a course and had to retake it, but i passed next time and got a letter of praise due to my "100% positive attitude" sent to inspector)
I asked him what on earth all of this was about - i stated i had been at work for an hour and asked him what i had done wrong that warranted this. Apparently i must grasp the opportunity to prove myself to him. (despite him not actually being my supervisor)

oh - and that whole conversation has to be kept in that room, "or else, and i will find out about it if this goes any further"....

after i came out and the entire office started asking me if i was ok and making me cups of tea i ended up sobbing in the ladies and actually just wanted to go home.
its not worth it. See, i thought i was doing ok and then all it takes is some knobcheese like that to knock the wind out of my sails.
i do not want to go back. i have a headache. i look like shit. but worse, i feel like shit.
and i dont know what to do.

SnowyMouse Sat 04-May-13 17:33:11

((((*Vicar*)))) sad shock

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 17:35:37

I am raging on your behalf Vicar. Are you still at work ?
This is outrageous bullying and that vile man has crossed boundaries .
I am going to think a bit and come back . But you are not shit no way let yourself think that . Is there someone supportive with you ? x

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 04-May-13 18:23:06

thats crap.

Can you talk to your supervisor or mentor? I know you said convo has to stay in the room but sounds as though that was beyond your control anyway. Or talk to occy health? Or a union rep?

Go have a cuddle with your ratties.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 04-May-13 18:25:24

Vicar angry How DARE he treat you like this. You need to get this logged somehow. The whole thing smacks of bullying and abuse and this is EXACTLY what you would say to any of us. Who the fuck does he think he is - he has, i suspect broken a shed load of rules right there. I would be requesting a meeting with your supervisor and making a complaint. Seriously - the reason he is threatening you to "keep it in the room" is because he knows he is in the wrong. You must be able to see this. I usually keep this word off this thread but he is a total cunt. Please don't let him do this to you - bastard, honestly, i feel like coming up there and smacking him between the eyes. Please don't let this drop, i know this must be the last thing you feel like doing but report him, you said everyone heard him shouting at you, that in itself is unprofessional. Does he feel threatened by you in some way? Bastard!!!

When are you back at work?

<<massive hugs>>>

ColouringInQueen Sat 04-May-13 18:58:18

Hugs vicar I am so shocked by this man, and echo everything lem, ed, basset have said. This is bullying and discrimination and that's why he wants it to stay in the room. Can u have a cuddle with your rats, have a medicinal glass of wine maybe and identify how you can make a complaint. Can you get in touch with your mentor? Please try and stay strong. You have been doing so well please don't let this utter bastard win. Like lem I too will happily give him one between the eyes for you. hugs x

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 04-May-13 19:48:25

i called my mentor in tears but just felt even more stupid. i spoke to my acting supervisor who just said to ignore and we would have a chat later.

i have spent the day dealing with prisoners with my make up cried off, red puffy eyes and feeling shit shit shit.

is there any wonder i didnt want to go back? really? i feel such a fool.

i also told him that he was moving hte goalposts and that 2 months ago i thought i was not coming back.
his response to that?
"well go then"
i really really really wish i had just upped and walked at that point - right there.
he would have shit himself. And would have had some explaining to do. Why didnt i just walk out?

Ive tried calling the lovely union rep but i think they must be away for the holiday weekend.
im back to work tomorrow. i cannot actually describe how much i dont want to go.
i feel ridiculous.
i want to take it further but i also know that when he is acting as my overall supervision that it may not do me any good.

i do feel victimised, bullied, stupid, weak, pathetic, and all the things that i dont need to feel.
He must know some of why ive been off. Else why bleat on about physical injury? mental anguish clearly means fuck all. It would have if i had crashed my car on the way home, which i nearly did. i almost ran into the back of someone on the fast lane of the motorway. And then i walked the dog, and forgot to bring hte car home. Clearly this has made my mind mush.
ive no idea what to do. i need advice but cant get anyone to give it - rep away, normal supervision all away. i feel trapped. I cant call occy health until tuesday.

ive written the conversation down.
i need to write down how it made me feel and the names of those who witnessed and heard it. (i wouldnt drag them into it though)

i ended up staying for 2 hours longer than i should have. i have a terrible head ache, and i dread to think what everyone is thinking of me who saw me today.

i dont feel like i cant go back. job hunting again with gusto. im meant to be back again tomorrow.

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 19:48:35

Vicar this is definitely in the Bullying at work category and needs investigating .
But I realise that it is probably the last thing you can face at the moment

I hope you are ok ...hate to think of your distress . Have a chat with your DH and work out some finances maybe . You are obviously a resourceful lass and hard worker . There are options my love .
Personally I would see your GP ,tell her and go on the sick whilst filing a grievance re your treatment and bullying. But that is easy for me to say I know . I think one of us here knows a lot about these issues and will post.

While it is seared in your soul bless you write every detail down re the shift today and what was said . And if possible see if one of the shift you trust heard anything to back you up .

Vicar your mental health is very precious so precious .
You have been sounding so much better recently and coping so well with your son and the crap life throws at us . Please dont let these nasty bigots make you ill again .

Hope you have had a nice bath in your new bathroom with the jewel girls and have glass of wine . Thinking of you and remember YOU are in control of your valuable life and where it is heading .xx flowers.

bassetfeet Sat 04-May-13 19:48:57

crossposted x

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