I've NC for this. I've just written suicide notes.
I cheated on DH, years ago. I can't live with the guilt anymore. I can't tell him because he'll leave me and then he'll be hurting. Equally I can't not tell him because I'm deceiving him into staying with me.
My mental health is deteriorating and it has been for a while. I've not seen anyone about it because I thought I could cope but I can't.
The only way out of this is to go. I've told him in the note but I can't bring myself to tell him whilst I'm still alive.
Now I just need to decide if I go through with it. I don't even know the best way to do it.
I never thought it'd come to this. Not really sure why I'm posting.
Please dont do anything to hurt yourself. Im sure others will be here with wiser words but im here til they arrive. Im depressed and not in a good place but ending it is never the right decision honestly.
The hurt your DH will feel if he has to deal with this new information on top of your death would be immeasurably, horribly worse.
OP we are all fallible. If I found out my DH had cheated on me many years ago I would be furious but I might forgive him. Even if it ended our relationship I would always want him in the world, alive, well.
There are always options - do you have anyone to talk to in RL?
You can get through this. We all make mistakes. You need to get some support - to work through these feelings. Your GP would be a good first place to go.
Please call the Samaritans, here's their number, please pickup the phone and speak to someone, and then you can speak to someone about your mental health problems - you can get through this, what happened was years ago, you don't have to do anything to hurt yourself
It sounds as if you are bearing a heavy burden to protect someone you love. I hope you can find the strength to pick up the phone to the Samaritans or GP. It is possible that this dark time will pass. xx Is
Good Luck OP - Do talk to the samaritans, they will listen and not judge you. They will also be able to recommend counsellors in your area, however you can also be referred by your GP, you do not have to tell your GP what has caused you to feel so bad, but i don't want to frighten you but you are at risk, you have gone quite a long way down that line - planning, writing notes. You need a strategy to keep you safe, i speak from experience - you have made the first step in the right direction by posting here. You have the Samiritans number on your phone and you can call them anytime - post here if it helps (it helped me)
FWIW - I don't think you should tell your DH, at least don't tell him now, not before you have had counselling and really got your head straight. Its in the past - I just would not want to know if my DP had done this, so long as anything that happened is over, then I'd raather be ignorant to it.
It was very brave of you to post this today - please know that people love you and would be devestated beyond measure if you were to do anything. My cousin commited suicide, his son and his brother found him - his brother ended up dying of a heroin overdose (dont know if it was suicide or accident) after living a terrible life and his son has serious MH issues to this day. He was one of six siblings and it devestated the whole family, long term, even now - 30 years later.
I don't think he's guessed. I can't leave work for another hour, then I'm going for dinner with the Inlaws (DH is away at the moment) and I can't pull out of that. I'll call the samaritans tonight when I get in. I won't do anything stupid in the meantime, I promise.
I do have a counsellor I can speak to. I don't have an appointment until June though. I might try to make one earlier.
This issue consumes my every waking moment for 1 week each month, yup, you've guessed it - at that time of the month. The rest of the time I can push it to the back of my mind and get on with being the best wife I can be.
I've shredded the notes. I think in a way it helped to write them.
Please don't. If PMT is making your mental health worse (and I get that) can you try to get some hormonal contraception sorted to get rid of it? I'm on Yasmin for PMT and my life is so much better. This is a leap - but did you cheating have anything to do with your mental health? I'm thinking bipolar high or similar? Even if it didn't, please consider coming clean, if he knows it is making you suicidal he may be more sympathetic. Telling him would have repercussions but at least you wouldn't feel suicidal about keeping the secret xxx