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Just getting some stuff out there.(4 Posts)
Im sorry, but this is all just going to come out in a rush. I just wanted to get it all written down somewhere.
My marriage is in trouble. We arent really affectionate, there seems to be a big divide between us. We dont have a sex life, havent had for years. I dont have a sex drive. He does. Every few months we have a big serious talk about why nothing is changing and what is causing me to not want to be affectionate/intimate. We agree to work on things, and after a few intimate times, it gets forgotten, until the next big discussion. Last night I realised that my marriage could be over if this isnt fixed. It is causing big problems and I really want to work out why I seem to have zero libido. I want the warmth and love and fun back in my marriage. He does too. But Im terrified that things have changed beyond repair.
I am miserable. I dont feel particularly happy or excited about anything, ever. Everything feels like just another thing to get through, everything feels like a chore. I put on an act of cheeriness for my little boy and we have silly fun, but I feel like a fake. I want to be fun mum and happy wife. I dont want to feel like Im just going through the motions any more.
I work at home mostly. Im lucky in that he is a stay-at-home dad and so we all get to spend time together during the day. This will end soon as he is looking for work now. I feel sad for thinking this will be a good thing, as I will miss my little boy when he is at childcare. I often feel like a failure as a mum as it should be me taking him out to groups and being with him rather than working. I needed my work though, as much as I wish I could just be happy at home, and had a very good flexible working opportunity so Im around him during the week.
Im shy and anxious a lot. I am scared of people. I worry constantly about looking stupid. Or that people wont like me and will talk about me behind my back. I crave friendships but Im terrified of them as well. I have trouble meeting peoples eye. I hate going into shops when Im the only one in there. Actually, I dont particularly like it at any time. I hate making phone calls, I think people can hear how my voice is so nervous and will laugh at me. I hate small talk well, I hate the idea of it, but when I have to do it, Im not that bad. But Im always worried that Ill run out of things to say. Even with friends/family. Why am I so awkward. Why is it so hard to just have a phone conversation without being tense and putting on a fake voice, even with people Ive known my whole life? If I can avoid a phone conversation, I will.
I feel like I havent really grown up. I feel like I dont have the emotional maturity to deal with things like a bad sex life/failing marriage. I love my husband and my son more than anything in the world. I just want to feel normal, whatever that is. I want to feel some modicum of contentment and happiness, because I know I have a great deal to be happy about. But for some reason, it just wont come.
I feel like I have such potential as a person, to be a good, friendly, fun person. If I can just break out of this horrible shell of nothingness. Theres a little room in my brain, and there are lots of doors that lead out but theyre all shut, by my doing. They are all avenues of what I could do (join a club, start horseriding, go to sling meets) but they all involve doing the thing that I find the most scary putting myself out there to complete strangers and hoping they will be kind. Lots I could do, but lots I seem to put a block on because the thought of it is too hard and I feel that Ill look silly.
I dont feel suicidal, would never do that to my boy. But sometimes I feel like Im barely keeping afloat.
Im going to register with a GP today. I really have had enough of this. Just existing.
You sound like an intelligent and caring person with a lot going for you. On an initial reading it also sounds as if you're somewhat depressed. You have identified lots of different options that may well help you in the long run that point to a happier, bouncier you.
If you want someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time. You need to start small on this. I know the "doctor" seems like a good idea, but given your intelligence and capacity to care and have a genuine picture of yourself, it might not be the "best" solution.
Why not start with something small? A daily walk in the sunshine (2-3 miles) would boost endorphins, and vitamin D. Tell yourself the car's broken and walk to the shops or something, and then build from there, having witnessed your capacity to get stuff done and be out and about.
I know it sounds small, but when you're low it's how you have to start, otherwise you'll "boom-bust" and that'll bring you lower. I was where you are now a few months ago, and starting to tell people (like you've done here) is a very positive step.
You worry about your husband, but reading between the lines here, I'd say that he loves you and wants you to be okay, and is unsure how to help. He'll probably jump at the chance to "go for a walk with you" or "watch the kid whilst you wander to the shops" rather than feeling that he's not there for you when you need him.
Your other option, and this again is me speaking from experience, is that you may not be truely "depressed", the sense of difference and shyness you're experiencing may be due to high functioning aspergers. Again, just a thought. Feel free to message me and chat if you want to.
I just wrote a long reply but my iPad decided to eat it! Probably for the best - I do tend to ramble.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice New. I definitely do need to get out and about more during the working day, even if its just a few minutes here and there.
I was due to have CBT after I had my son as they suspected PND and social anxiety. I chickened out of that though - was starting to cope better and felt that other people were more in need of the counsellor's time than me. Might see if that might be an option for me again - I wonder if I'd feel differently now if I'd just 'womaned up' and gone to the sessions.
Can't believe I've let things get this bad to be honest - in how it is affecting my family as well as me. Ugh.
Thank you again.
I read your post in Relationships.
TBH, I'd despair if my partner wouldn't seek help for such problems.
You do have to go to the GP and go on to have therapy and so on.
For yourself and your family.
Is your H supporting you in this at all?
He didn't sound very caring, but it can be draining to be on the other side too.
I wonder about your loss of libido. How much pressure is he putting on you, or has in the past?
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