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The edge.

(4 Posts)
MoralBinDip Wed 01-May-13 02:32:47

Long story short.

Got married mid 20s, DD shortly after, DS another few years after that. Bailed on degree to support family, got good job, got another good job, became self employed, worked with DW. Brilliant time at start of business turned into financial shit storm made worse in these economic times. Very stressed, worked hard to keep everything together, became low and too work focused because I was trying to do right thing etc. Became very on edge, sought help initially, shared feelings with DW but she essentially wasn't interested or didn't believe me. Escaped into my work, mood swings, not enough care of business, not enough care of family. Feelings of being lost, inadequate, not appreciated at home, overloaded and out of control at work and general screwed up thinking and paranoia.

Start to see odd patterns in DW behaviour, combined with my mood swings, understandable at the time, i wasn't always a good guy and that made me feel terrible. But still no acceptance of my situation (that I could appreciate at the time) from DW. Friend of DW shows interest, I am flattered, but know it's wrong, don't act on it, feel guilty for even thinking about it. Worried I don't love DW, guilty guilty guilty, maddening. DW knows about interest from OW, possible infatuation issues, but still doesn't take me seriously. More pressure from work, do stupid hours, revel in some success, massive highs and lows, keep OW at arms length as I know its wrong, eventually that fizzles out and I'm glad. Suspect DW of texting, chatting etc with male friends, am reassured specifically by DW, but suspicions confirmed in black and white by my. Confrontation by me followed by confession of incident along with months of an ER. Faults on both sides for sure, but thought that I might have caused this worsens lowness.

Realise my faults and fault in all of this, angry but make commitment to readdress work-life balance and sort things out. Months pass, I think I am trying, DW slips into old habits, I can see it all again less subtle, phone msging right infront of me. Break from work, good time with family, but DW continues more subtly with msging. My friend tragically dies, OMG too much for me on top of all of this, fall apart, argue with DW, stubbornness ensues, she leaves, vows it's permanent. Returns to house after week or so but makes it clear it's over, I am distraught. Work is tough, keep it together to do my work, worst time of my life, beg to be taken back, offer everything including quitting work, get therapy to whatever it takes to feel like myself again and be a good DH. So lost, ready to move out, confide in female friend of friend, some attraction, relief from pain, still want DW so bad. Some Attachment forms with friend, but only talking and few mails, soothes yearning for DW, want DW more than ever, realise what I've screwed up, guilty guilty worthless.

Deal with traumatic event supported by DW while she is vowing it's over. Takes pity on me or whatever, realises I am a mess and never wanted to hurt her (which I am sure did during mood swings etc). But now problem is I feel so firmly rejected that I had accepted end and developed feelings for friend that helped me. Confused, end all contact with female friend, think about her alot but know I must work on being with DW, but now those intense feelings of love and need have been removed by DW's determined ending of it all. But now DW wants me, what do I do? I wait, hope that I can repair myself with time, feelings for anyone other than DW fade, I am glad, feelings for DW slowly grow, I am glad.

I get much needed therapy, begin to understand the pressure I was under and I had added to myself. Keep it together for shrink, maybe an act I don't know, can't quite talk completely freely, but mostly, spare details of thinking about OW at any time (even when I thought I was now single) due to guilt. Good progress made, able to focus on business, and DW and I plan things together. Restructure to make home and family most important, tough decisions made, hard work ahead, stress stress stress but always towards goal we move. DW pursues own things, I owe her that, she was always working with me on my "thing" now she gets to do her own.

Steady hard work, huge stress, anxiety, but progress progress progress. Mood swings subsiding, but OMG the stakes are high and pressure, stress. Work hard, DW working on her "thing" (very good thing). Nearly there, nearly sorted out work, major blip but then it's done. And relax! Can't relax, hole in my life where stress and motivation once was. Back to therapy to help understand situation, OMG I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress again, realise that I will need time, accept I can relax, slowly relax.

Dunno what to do, suddenly life is okay, no major stressful events to motivate. Lost, plod on, try not to over think things, be patient, relaxing. Months pass, feeling slowly better and better in myself, DW is doing great in new position, really proud of her. I am now doing more at home, mornings for DC are my thing (among other things too), shuffle my work around it, but still have to work hard to cover cost of the big change. Should be elated at this point, everything worked out, but am starting to feel lost again, like I have somehow failed or not fulfilled my potential. Check in with therapist to try and make sense of it. He is a little vague I feel but then my inputs are too.

IDEAS! Ideas ideas ideas. Action action action! No action, arrrrgh why can't I get things how i want. BUSY BUSY BUSY! Feeling a bit of a passenger. Should be feeling better and better, now starting to feel worse. Here we go again? Why why why? Got things sorted but now feeling down, guilty, confused, wilderness. Try and be good dad and DH, DW has no idea I am getting low. Have good life compared to many but feel low, feel guilty as result, aarrggghg nobody understands, paranoia. PARANOIA. Want to escape, family sorted, DW going great, feel redundant, no focus. Think about death. Oh the release that would be. But how? Decide of strategy, place, method. Must be quick, painless. Revolver in mouth (smaller barrel fits nicely in mouth) would do trick. Imagine it over and over and over. Have access to firearms. Consider revolver. Oh the relief that would be. Avoid situation. What am I thinking?

Last week.

WTF am I doing? This is ridiculous. But hang on a minute, what about it?

Investigate why I am thinking this. Internet. Ideas. Research.
Contact therapist, explain suicide thing. Action required. Action taken, GP visit. Feel GP is a bit wishy washy as soon as I go in, he is not prepared for this if i dump all in one go. Stay guarded, but honest., open to steps. Still can't share this with DW or friends, don't want to freak them, guilty. Don't want to be a burden.

Today.

Work is good, but feel pressured, gotta keep on top, make it on time, keep everyone happy.Mind running at a million miles an hour. Am I just blowing this out of proportion? Am I just looking for a label to use to help people understand me? On edge, like walking a tightrope over an abyss. Look at some CBT, as I do exercises, part of my brain is telling me I am being tricked. But I feel it's helped. Maybe a revolver is too long for a good accurate grip, don't want to miss. I want to shout and scream about how I feel, I want to be my best self. But feel better, calmer, thinking about trying to think properly, and not twist things in my head.

Now.

Jittery. dazed. fast, slow. 2 am. tired, spaced. determined to get on track now.

Wow, that's not very short is it, and I didn't even use all the words. I think my mind is tricking me here, and I could certainly use more sleep. I just don't get how I can feel so bad when really my situation is quite good, or very good in fact if you discount work specific stress. Having written all that I feel foolish though, like I'm wasting peoples time. My trip to the GP seems somehow sureal now. Remembering it feels like listening to someone else going the talking. I feel like a fraud, like someone who is fine but acting out some perverse reality for attention or something.

ColouringInQueen Wed 01-May-13 11:35:40

Hi there,
sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. To be honest if I were you I would print out your post here and take it to see another GP.

Be specific about your suicidal thoughts and the sense of things not seeming real and significant agitation. You sound like you need more support to feel better and once you are feeling better then you can look at the work / DW issues. All the best.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 01-May-13 11:40:41

Sending hugs on phone will post later stay strong x

LEMisdisappointed Wed 01-May-13 13:38:39

Have just had time to properly read your epic and somewhat manic post properly. I can't help but feel - wow, you write brilliantly, seriously - that is an amazing piece of writing right there.

Can you go back to your doctor, insist on a psychiatric assesment? I wasn't being critical when i said your post seemed manic, it really did and I think you need help with that. You are clearly highly intelligent and you need to do something with those thoughts - I don't know if cbt will be the right thing for you, it wasn't for me, i found it patronising and to be honest i think you'll run rings around a less than brilliant counsellor. But there are other forms of talking therapy available and theres medication, i really hope that you manage to find some inner peace, you sound like you are in a turmoil just now - please do come back and let us know how you are. I'm no expert by any means, really only talking from my own experience and I am pretty all over the place myself today but i would really like to know that you are OK xxx

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