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Anxiety/hypochondriac? Going round in circles

(6 Posts)
Playerpleeeese Mon 29-Apr-13 14:21:12

I lost a baby last year and had complications. I developed an infection and had intravenous antibiotics 2 days after first having symptoms of infection.

My periods came back within 3 months, and are regular every 28 days, I use ovulation sticks and I am ovulating regularly.

However I am so frightened/anxious about scar tissue leading to infertility in the future. My GP referred me to a gynaecologist as I had some pain and tenderness in my lower abdomen a few months after losing baby, I have had an internal ultrasound and all looks good, however he has said that with scar tissue the only way to know for sure is a laparoscopy, and the only sypmtoms are continuous pain and infertility.

Now my pain is not continuous in the slightest, and can't tell with infertility as I'm not ttc again due to relationship ending.

I just can't get these thoughts that I may be infertile out of my head. I don't know weather to have a laparoscopy as my pain isn't bad enough to warrant it in my opinion, and my gynae is happy to go along with whatever I decided. I have developed a fear of hospitals too due to some pretty bad treatment when I lost baby.

Sorry this is long, but there is a voice in the back of my head continuously saying 'your going to be infertile' over and over again.

I've had therapy and brought this up and she just said 'well if that's the case then you can adopt' it didnt make me feel any better or get to the bottom of why I feel like this!

I don't know wether I'm being a hypochondriac, imagining things, googling to much and thinking of the worst case scenario or if there's a risk that there is something wrong!

Sorry this is long just needed to write it down and get it straight in my head as I've even started thinking that I can't have another relationship as it wouldn't be fair on the guy as I am infertile! I know this is not healthy of logical!!

I don't even know what I'm asking really, if anyone has any wisdom I would appreciate it!

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Apr-13 15:52:49

I am very sorry for your loss sad

i dont have any experience of infertility but didnt want your post to go unanswered. You could tie yourself in knots about this. Do you know what i think - this is what i would do if it were me. I would not have the surgery at this stage, i would go with the flow of your life - the right person wont care if you are infertile and you can cross the bridge when you come to it. Many couples find they are unable to have children and they find ways around it IVF being the first thing that comes to my mind. If you try for children and find that it isn't happening then would be the time for further investigation, especially considering as there are new developments all the time in fertility treatments and testing, in three years time a laparoscopy might not be needed iyswim.

That was a very insensitive thing for your counsellor to say btw sad

I would be honest with someone about what has happened, lets face it, at the start of relationships, making babies isn't the first thing on the agenda, if and when it gets to that stage for you, anyone worth your love will stand along side you and take what comes. If its a deal breaker for them, they wasn't the one for you - but that is jumping 20 steps ahead.

Lonelybunny Mon 29-Apr-13 15:58:09

I agree with the above from LEMisdisapointed. You won't know for sure and as you said you don't have continuous pain you are most likely fine and you said ultrasound looked all ok . I know how you are feeling right now now and it does feel like your going round and round with no way out , but I'm sure all will be fine x

Playerpleeeese Mon 29-Apr-13 17:10:00

Thank you for your replies, it's so silly really, I feel 90% confident that its fine due to the lack of pain and that the infection was treated straight away. I'm thinking its more to do with my mental health about the whole situation iykwim.

Wrt the loss of the baby/breakdown of the relationship I have dealt with it and moved on but with this aspect of the situation I know it's not normal to obsess about something, that I have no control over and don't even have the main sypmtoms for!

The baby was planned and I think that maybe th option of having another baby being taken away from me is the main trigger for my over thinking.

Both th GP and gynaecologist made this face hmm when I ask for reassurance that I'm not infertile, and I don't blame them! As soon as I walk into a doctors appointment to talk about it, I end up sobbing and not being able to stop, I'm so embarrassed and there are people with worse problems than me, and my heads scream hypochondriac at me but I can't help it.

I think I need a coping strategy to stop me over thinking this and get on with my life!

NanaNina Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:33

Oh PP you are not, definitely not, being "silly" - you have suffered 2 major life crises in the space of 1 year, the loss of your baby and the breakup of your relationship. It would be rather surprising if you were not having mental health difficulties. Depression almost always has its root in loss and you have suffered not one but 2 losses. You say you have "dealt with it and moved on" and I don't think this can be possible to be honest. You say "it's not normal to obsess about something that I have no control over and don't even have the symptoms for" but what is normal - it can't be defined. I think it is very common for us to be anxious over our physical health when we are suffering mental health difficulties. It does sound like you are suffering from anxiety and that in itself is a mental illness. Mostly depression and anxiety go hand in hand but it is possible to have one without the other. However you mention sobbing when you go to the GP, and this makes me suspect that you might be depressed, as prolonged crying bouts are one of the symptoms.

Look player you have to stop thinking you are being silly and that there are other people worse off than you. Whilst that is undoubtedly true, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy of getting the help and support that you need. Feeling unworthy is another sympton of depression by the way, as is feeling hopeless and guilty that we can't do something to make ourselves better. It's a trick that dep/anx plays on us. Makes us believe things about ourself that aren't true.

You are not a hypocondriac - you have been through a very very tough time and to expect to "move on" within a year I think is totally unrealistic. You need to be kind to yourself and stop thinking badly of yourself, but it all points to depression as far as I can see. Of course doctors can't give us a reasurrance about anything, as medicine is not an exact science, so of course they might look at you a bit oddly when you ask for reassurance.

I know it will be difficult, but I think you need to write down your symptoms (like a shopping list) and take it to your GP and hand it over (so that the GP will know about your symptoms) even if you can't control the crying, and you may be prescribed medication. The medication deals with the symptoms but not the underlying cause of depression and anxiety, which is very well known in your case. I think this worry about infertility is normal, given that a doctor mentioned it, but there is no way of knowing whether this will be the case. Can I ask your age, as this as you know is a big factor in fertility. Someone mentioned IVF which has a reasonably high success rate these days. However I think that you need to put the infertility issue on the back burner, and concentrate on how you are feeling now and get the help and support you deserve as with the right kind of help and the passing of time, you will eventually come to terms with the loss of your baby and your relationship but this is going to take time - how long - as long as it takes.

I think whoever you were seeing for therapy was useless, to make a comment like that, and maybe you need to think about someone who is more sensitive. Properly trained and registered counsellors and therapists are on the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Therapists) site and you can find one in your area, if you think this may be helpful to you, and you can afford to pay. They are around £50 per hour dependent on where you live. Was the one you were seeing private or NHS? Even with a fully qualified and registered one, it may not be the right "fit" for you. IF you go down the counselling route again it is important that you feel safe and comfortable with the counsellor.

Sending warm wishes your way.

Playerpleeeese Mon 29-Apr-13 22:52:17

Thanks nana your post has made me feel better. smile I think I'm scared of admitting defeat iykwim. I went back to work full time 2 weeks after being discharged from hospital after nearly dying from an infection and haemorrhage. It did nearly kill me tbh! But I felt I had to just get on with my life.

My family and friends are good at practical support, but emotionally it's a bit like, 'water under the bridge, life goes on' etc and from my mum, 'if that happens then it will be sad but oh well nothing you can do' wrt my fears about infertility, which is right, but sometimes I just want a cuddle! I don't know anyone who's lost a baby (or who talks about it openly if they have)

And it's silly but I don't want my ex to feel like he's 'won' (he was ea and liked to put me down and keep me there) he would love it to know I was still struggling, so I feel like I have to be fine. It makes me feel so angry, that he just fucked off without a backward glance and got on with his life (I assume) and I'm still struggling. I know he was a wanker and no good for me, I don't miss him or love him or want him back. I just feel like he wrecked me emotionally and physically then wandered away Scott free.

My therapy did help enormously with self esteem, breaking the pattern of my bad choice in men etc.

But this health anxiety and fear or hospitals/doctors touching me is a bit strange, as honestly I'm ok in my life day to day, sometimes I get down but I acknowledge it and it passes. It's just when I walk into a doctors office/appointment it's just sobbing, crying then more sobbing. I can't even speak its so bad. I don't know how to explain this or talk about it to anyone.

I just want to be better! Be past this place and happy/content. Shall I just accept my fear of hospitals/doctors, and just assume I am infertile and carry on accordingly. It sounds crazy to say that but I think that will help me the most iykwim just so my brain can relax from worrying about it, and I don't have to see any more doctors.

I had a bad experience with anti depressants in the past and don't want to lose another 6 months of my life finding ones that suit me and being like a zombie on the ones that don't. I haven't ever had anti anxieties, are they different. I feel like this is more anxiety than depression.

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