Sorry

[GracieLoo]

sorry to start another thread, but feel like I'm losing my mind. Have texted Samaritans but feeling gutted I wasn't completely honest today so got discharged from crisis team. Really could do with their support now as getting so agitated the urges are bad, I'm so tense and feel at breaking point. Dd is in the next room so I can't do anything which is making me feel worse as it's all I can think about. I've messed up everything and no one will want to know now. So desperate, going out of my mind.

[cappuccinodays]

oh dear GracieLoo, Im am sorry you are not getting any respite from this awful illness. I really wish i was there to help you. Please remember you are not alone even if you feel utter isolation at times. You have done so well coping with your dd, going to work the other day and making your appointments. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself?

[Stupidlyanxious]

GracieLoo are you able to contact the crisis team today? If it is within 48 hours they may classify it as "failed discharge" and may see you. If not, perhaps contact your GP and request an emergency appointment.

Don't feel that you have brought this on yourself. My psychiatrist said to me last session that I have a need to pretend all is fine and will sit there smiling and nodding - totally in denial but also part of a desperation to feel well - to try and convince myself & others. So often we spend too much time pretending to the outside world whilst inside we feel in turmoil.

Hope you managed to get some rest last night. How are you doing this morning?

[GracieLoo]

Feeling really anxious and I don't know what to do with myself. Dropped dd off and back in bed despite it being a lovely day, and I have so much I could be doing. Got no motivation, or energy. I could ring cmht but scared of being ignored or told to wait until next week. Got so much going on right now I can't handle it.

[Stupidlyanxious]

Don't be so tough on yourself for going back to bed. I think we all have those days - me especially. I can lay there for hours worrying about everything but lacking the energy to actually do anything proactive.

If you call the CMHT be honest with them about how awful you are feeling. Don't be fobbed off. I know it is hard to stand up for yourself when you feel so vulnerable but they are there to help you. I can be here for a while longer if you want to try and call them and come back to discuss?

[GracieLoo]

I keep going to call then can't do it. I've done a load of washing so I can't be that bad. But then I've arranged for dd to stay overnight at my mums Friday so I can harm myself. But I'm scared to tell them the same stuff as last week.

[Stupidlyanxious]

Listen, putting on a load of washing is a walk in the park compared to asking for help :) You and I both know that, right?

What usually helps to distract you from self-harming?

When you say you are scared to tell them the same stuff - do you mean that you will tell them you are actually okay rather than needing help? Would you be able to tell them about your plans for Friday?

[GracieLoo]

I'm scared to tell them I'm in the same dark place I was in last week, when they think I'm doing better now. And if my cpn didn't call me back yesterday that means there's no point.

[ladyjadie]

Hi Gracie I'm sorry you feel so horrible. I came onto the MH to post myself but came across this thread and just wanted to give you a virtual hug. This stuff is so horrible. But if you are in the same place, just tell them, I always minimise to the crisis team and drs.

Just because cpn didn't return your call doesn't mean you aren't worth it.

aahh I'm terrible at trying to help. But you are worth it. Because I said so so ner.

[Stupidlyanxious]

I agree with everything ladyjadie just posted.

The CPN may not have returned your call for many reasons so try not to assume that they are minimising your needs. You have nothing to fear from telling them the truth. They are there to help and support you. You won't be the first to have pretended that all is well - ladyjadie and I are proof of that.

[GracieLoo]

It took until now to ring, I knew cpn wouldn't be there but her manager who she told me to ask for is on a/l. I asked if there was anyone else, and she said can I wait until Monday. I'm not calling back, I'm not feeling strong enough. Crying now, thought I was able to ask for help.

[ladyjadie]

Oh Gracie, but you were able to ask. You called up, that takes guts I know it does, to even pick up the phone. I'm sorry the (in my opinion, a bit rubbish) manager asked if you can wait, but she doesn't know what's in your mind. I'm sure if she did she wouldn't have said that.

Could you try again in the morning, if you feel up to it?

(by the way for what it's worth I posted a thread and no one replied so I'm going to ask for it to be removed.)

[GracieLoo]

It was just the receptionist I spoke to I think, bit annoyed that the lady my cpn said to talk to wasn't in either, and there was no one else. Today id dreagging, dd is in a bad mood, I can't deal with it, and I don't want to be here anymore and the thoughts are taking over. Too embarressed to call back, think it's the same woman that keeps answering the phone.

[SnowyMouse]

They will be used to unwell people ringing them

[ladyjadie]

Argh, the receptionist at my cmhu is a ratty unhelpful old bag, makes me wonder who the hell hired her! You should call back. You could ask when manager is in?

I hate the dragging feeling, something that sometimes helps me is playing online games or games on my iphone (I have a Jurassic Park that has dinosaurs that you can feed every ten minutes or so if you choose to heheh) anything to take the mind somewhere else. My mum is well into candy crush(?) at the moment.

Are you hungry? Perhaps you could make a snack or have a 'tea party' with DD, cut sandwiches into cute shapes or something (at least might cheer her up)