How to toughen myself up.

[patheticwoman]

Have namechanged as I'm a bit embarrassed and hope I'm posting in the right place. Just wondering how on earth I can stop myself being such a wuss. I'm scared of upsetting anyone and everyone even when they are rude/take the piss. Can't do confrontation and I can never say no to anything. Feel dreadful when I have to tell my children off (to the point I could cry as I feel like such a rubbish mother making them feel bad) Always stressed that something bad is going to happen and generally feel like a weak, pathetic woman (who is old enough to know better).Anyhow sick of feeling like this and I love the gusty, feisty attitudes of some of you here on Mumnset. So could anyone give me advise on how to become a warm, funny, feisty, mentally strong woman? I want to know how to get over feeling bad for the other person whose feelings I may have hurt. Pathetic I know!

[MarjorieAntrobus]

I want to know how to get over feeling bad for the other person whose feelings I may have hurt.

That ^^ is very noble but, in doing it, you deny your own feelings.

Do you have any idea why you push your needs below others?

Would you consider some counselling to get to the bottom of why you do this?

[patheticwoman]

I'm not sure why I push my needs below others, I haven't really thought of it like that before. Do you think counselling would help, I don't know much about it?
Thanks also Mary, I do need to practise being more assertive, the trouble is when I try to be assertive I feel like I'm being a bit of a cow and making someone else unhappy.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hello there,
I can relate to what you're saying about putting other people's emotions and and needs before your own. I'm currently exploring this in counselling as its something I have a tendancy towards also. In my case, it seems that it is a behaviour I learnt as a child, as a result of growing up with a mother with depression and so I learnt to think "how is she?" before "how am I?" iyswim? Of course your story is bound to be different as there are I'm sure many ways of getting into this pattern. I think actually recognising it is a really important step, so you become more aware of it and can hopefully start to challenge yourself when you do it? Very best wishes.

[patheticwoman]

Hi ColouringInQueen, Glad I'm not the only one and thank you for taking the time to reply! I had a bit of a difficult childhood, not that I realised it at the time, just thought it was normal, but with hindsight it was a bit like treading on eggshells for 18 years before I left home and to be honest I still tread on eggshells and worry I'm going to be told off by my mother (I'm 40 for goodness sakes!). I think today is the first day I might have just recognised what I have been doing for such a long time. Can I be nosey and ask if you have found the counselling helpful?

[ColouringInQueen]

course you can yes, it is proving helpful thanks, I think I've had 6 sessions. Am having to pay privately but I think it will be a good investment. I ended up with ADs and counselling beginning of Feb as last year was a v tough one, and this behaviour proved damaging to my mental health - so I am now recovering from depression and anxiety, but I do think I will end up stronger and more self aware. If you can afford it, I would say its worth a try, and that it's important you find someone you can talk to freely, have some sort of connection with. Of course you could also speak to your GP in case there are any NHS options where you are (there aren't here unfortunately).

[MarjorieAntrobus]

Yes, I think counselling would help, OP. I had some counselling because of work stress a few years ago. My walking-on-eggshells childhood was uncovered and discussed at length. So, erm, go for it!

[verygentlydoesit]

Hi pathetic. Firstly, you are not pathetic as your username implies (notice you are even being unkind to yourself in your OP). You recognise that there is an issue, and you want to work on getting past it- that in itself shown great insight and strength.

I have an tendency, to be a people pleaser so I have some idea of how you might be feeling. Counselling has helped me understand why I'm like this, and armed with that understanding I have been able to tackle it.

I should be honest, and say that in my case it seems heavily ingrained in my personality and is not as easy to stop doing as I hoped. However, I am quite a lot better and am able to be a bit kinder to myself about it at least.

If you have the time and the funds to try some sort of counselling then I would recommend it.

It is useful to read relevant threads on here, but it is worth remembering that although many of us have similar experiences that we can learn from, your experiences are unique to you and 'self diagnosing' the issue is tricky!

[patheticwoman]

Thank you, I think I'm going to explore the counselling option, I have never given it much thought but actually speaking to neutral person with no agenda may be good. Will pluck up the courage to investigate as it seems there is lots to gain and nothing to be lost.

[patheticwoman]

Thank you for your kind words Verygentlydoesit your message must have appeared just as I sent mine, so I have only just read it. I think it may be heavily ingrained in my personality too, but I suppose we need to keep practising being more assertive or more selfish or more looking after ourselves. Hope you keep making good progress.

[verygentlydoesit]

Thanks pathetic, good luck to you too.

I'm no expert when it comes to counselling but I do think that you might get better results from a psychotherapist- I think they have been trained to be very perceptive and will help you unravel things.

[Lonelybunny]

I'm exactly the same ! I always worry about upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing. Then I dwell on it thinking god I hope I didn't upset them ? I'm walked all over too and feel I have no time to myself. I've realised just how much someone has taken the piss out of me lately and I'm really angry but there is no way I would tell that person cause I'm chicken