Been crying for two hours

[confusteling]

I can't stop. Can't get a full breath in, head's pounding and exhausted. Think I'm losing it.

[whtsmum]

I've lost it already, whats wrong?

[confusteling]

I don't even know anymore.

Have had a very strange week - been flying through mood swings, going up and down, up and down. On the downs I just sit in silence, on the ups I am doing things I wouldn't normally cope with (e.g. leaving the house alone, going to the supermarket etc.)

Then last night I had horrific nightmares. Woke up at 6 in an awful state. Slept in and was late to uni this morning.

Picked my mum up from hospital as she had an overnight stay due to treatment, all good.

Then at 8pm, heard her telling friend on the phone how she had taken a larger than normal dose of paracetomal (1500mg), well I just lost it completely, just panicked, ended up hysterical.

Not hysterical now but just sitting crying, on my own, and can't stop.

Having very strange thoughts. I've self injured before, was determined tonight but stopped myself. Then wrote a list of all the things I could do to punish myself. Part of me really doesn't like me and I'm frightening myself.

I've emailed the Samaritans asking for help but don't think they'll reply for a while.

Noone else I can tell. I've ruined my mum's evening, she told me, she was happy and now she's not.

[Valpollicella]

Breathe sweetheart.

Just breathe for the moment. Big huge deep ones. Nothing else.

Once you've done that. Some more deep breathing.

[elQuintoConyo]

Hi. Really good that you've kept yourself together and are recognising the paths you can take but have resisted.
Is there anywhere else your mum can go/anyone to come round and keep you both company, perhaps diffuse your mum's narcissism?
Have you heard back from Samaritans? Have you considered caling anyone - a helpline, friend, sister?
Sending hugs

[whtsmum]

You are crying out for help, we are hear listening, so talk to us....

[confusteling]

Got my sister but she's in her room, watching TV. She's away to bed soon as is my mum, in the next twenty minutes or so. She's severely autistic so talking not so easy. Cat curled up with me for about an hour, bless him, but he was getting a bit antsy so let him run off.

Nothing back from Samaritans, but didn't expect, have phoned them before but I always find it difficult to say the words, it's easier writing for some reason.

Deep breaths are helping, thanks, relieving the headache and making me feel less lightheaded too. Am managing to take a deep breath every twenty seconds or so just to refresh. Going to get a glass of water too.

Need to focus on getting past tonight I think. Will leave worries to themselves and deal with them in the morning, will just have to try to shut them out.

Not sure about calling friends, due to circumstances I lost contact with lots of people and am slowly forming friendships with new people. Hopefully in time they'll become people I can confide in.

Talking here is helping, thank you for all the messages and hugs, is really helping xxxx

[confusteling]

Going to try and shut my eyes for a few minutes and see if I can relax. Have been taught relaxation exercises bfore and will see if I can do them. Thank you so much for the replies honest has really helped, I felt all alone xx

[Valpollicella]

It's not all lost Conf. Keep talking to us or to the Samaritans or to others. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

But do keep talking when you can. Get some rest. It's all going to be ok, one way or another x

[tabbycat15]

How are you now? You really need to see a Dr. You sound depressed or have Bi polar symptoms.