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emotionally damaged or mental health...some insight please.

(4 Posts)
breezyoutside Tue 16-Apr-13 18:45:07

Hello, I'm a regular user but have name changed.

Rather long bear with me....

Me and my brother don't talk to my mum any more. We are both in our 30s.

My mother is from a large family and when they were young had a terrible life. Mother and father in and out of prison, violence, the kids were put in care and they were sexually abused, brothers and sisters.

The family shattered when old enough, a couple managed to leave and lead a some what 'normal' life but the rest where very damaged. My mum being one of the damaged ones.

She married my dad when she was 16/17 as she was pregnant but still under ss and would have been taken back. She went to live with my nan, my DFs mum but they divorced and she married my SF and had a son. Me and my brother grew up in a house where DM violent behaviour was normal, drinking, fist fighting with SF, lesbian affair..

She wasn't a huggy DM but we would get spoiled rotten at Christmas and birthdays. She would cry when drunk and want to hug us then.

Its only later when when i was older realised that she was on medications for her moods/ depression...crying days in bed, psychiatrist after psychiatrist , suicide attempts, being sectioned. I didn't see a LOT of this as would be shipped of to my nans house but my younger brother seen HIDIOUS things that he wont talk about.

I later asked to go and live with my nan but wasn't allowed (my DM was very jealous of my nan and insisted I went to DF and DS) when I went to visit my DM/SF and DB,DM would get fed up/annoyed with me being around so I normally had a 2/3 time limit where she would make me so uncomfortable I would leave, my poor DB would usually be crying asking me not to go.

My DM even tried it on with two of my boyfriends. Which in the end I refused to see her any more and haven't for about 8 years. Sadly at this point I also stopped seeing DB, which I massively regret.

DM split up with SF (hideous relationship) and he died of cancer.

DB finally wiped his hands of DM after her causing lots of trouble..accusing people rape and he hasn't spoken to her for about 5 years.

Me and DB have recently got in touch and he is finally building a family with a lovely girl which im over the moon about.

I know my DM has NO family in touch with her, she dosnt hold friendships as she is so destructive and violent, she has no one. People call her ''mad breezymum'' on the estate. Apparently she smokes a lot of marijuana now , which she never did when I was young.

What im asking is is this mental health? Is this her fault?
I hate the thought of her being alone sat there, no one to talk to but also scared to invite her back in my life as she is so toxic and destructive and me and DH and DC are in happy place right now. I would never forgive my self if she tried to kill herself and it actually worked and no one was there for her.

My DB cant even talk about her.

Shall I get in touch?

Sorry its soooo long been on my mind for ages.

slightlybonkers Wed 17-Apr-13 20:05:08

oh god, so hard for you to deal with this.

have you tried going to al-anon as a start?

Came across this message board for children of parents with borderline personality disorder might help?
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=7de49b13e8fbfa0a874dd54d6ed78b9d&board=11.0

Unfortunatelyanxious Wed 17-Apr-13 20:16:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redbunnyfruitcake Sun 21-Apr-13 17:41:03

It sounds as though your DM is emotionally traumatised by her early childhood which may be one of the reasons behind her being so horrible to her children. But she also sounds like an alcoholic/addict which only compounds the emotional trauma by preventing her from ever finding a sensible way of dealing with it. Nothing you can say or do will change her as it is something she must want for herself. The best you can do is contact Al-anon and find some counselling to help you deal with the emotional damage that has been done to you. I feel so sad when I read this stuff as I am from an abusive, alcoholic family and I know the pain it causes. However, I have been to lay much of it to rest and learn new ways of looking after myself which mean I do not continue the cycle of dysfunction.

If you do contact her again do so with the knowledge that she may never change and be sure to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically from getting drawn in to her world. I know I may seem harsh but sometimes people are well beyond our capacity to cope with and it seems all the worse when it is a loved one. Sadly some people will never confront their own pain and it is best to protect yourself and those you love from more misery. I do hope you can get some help and try to remember that loving someone sometimes means letting them face the consequences of their actions.

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