I don't even know where to start

[BeebiesQueen]

I feel like crap, there's a possibility I'm pregnant, I just want to cry all the time. I have CFS and 2 toddlers, I'm really struggling this week.

I have a weekly session with a therapist and have an appointment on Monday. I have to drive about an hour away and don't get home till gone 5pm the dc are grumpy and horrible (changing to an earlier appointment in a few weeks hopefully) I don't want to go.

I just want to cancel and say its too much, it's too hard I can't do it anymore.

Logically I know that's not the answer, I'm sinking in to a depression and I can't stop myself.

I don't know why I'm posting here or what I hope to achieve. I just want to stop feeling like this

[BeebiesQueen]

I'm going to keep talking even if no one listens.
I had AND with dd1 was constantly told I was going to loose her, I didn't. Dd2 I was fine but went into early labour. All my worst fears from 1st time came back. I had a traumatic birth, struggled to bond then had a seizure i was house bound for months unable to get out.
both girls have had health issues from reflux to allergies. Both screamed non stop for weeks dd2 months

I've had 5 mc. I'm scared. I'm scared of being pg, I'm scared of having and I'm scared of loosing a baby I'm scared I can't cope

I can feel myself shutting off from the world but I can't stop. I need to go to my appointment on Monday but I am so tired, so exhausted I can't drive. I just want to lie under a duvet and sleep for ever.

I don't know what to do. I realise I sound crazy, I don't sound like I should be posts in mh, but I am drowning this isn't me. I'm putting on a front for everyone and in reality I'm drowning in a sea of darkness and black

[BeebiesQueen]

I've done 3 all negative but then dd2 was negative until I was almost 5 months! I don't trust tests.

[BeebiesQueen]

Yes please, what helped you?
I do most of what everyone advises, but nothing has helped and even if something seems like its helping it stops and I crash

[Honeymoonmummy]

Hi Beebies, a lot of your thread resonates with me. I haven't had depression during pg but had PND after both of mine, lots of probs with reflux/ allergies, my first was v traumatic birth and she didn't stop crying for 6 weeks until reflux diagnosed. I haven't had MC but can understand the feeling of just wanting to put your head under the duvet. Are you regularly seeing a doctor/ on medication for depression? If not please book an appt first thing Monday, you need help with this. I don't know what Cfs is, cystic fibrosis? Does that lead to a higher chance of mc? How many weeks are you? What support are you getting from DP or parents/family/friends, have you told them how you're feeling?

Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you xx

[BeebiesQueen]

Thank you.

I'm not on anti ds but I have just has an honest and frank discussion with dh and we both think its a good idea to go to the dr. I'm not registered here as we moved (almost 2 months ago ) and I haven't got around to it. But I will register on Monday and see if I can get a emergency appointment.

I became ill after prolonged exposure to stress including suppressing child abuse. Ad's are something I have discussed withy therapist but am too scared to take that leap. Social stigma I guess :(

Many of those things I already do smudge, although I hadn't thought about eliminating foods. I'm in the process of applying for dla to help pay for a cleaner and childcare. And I've just moved 80 miles to be around family support.

I am facing up to this slowly, maybe accepting ads is a part of that

[Layana]

Come join me on the crazy sofa!
You've been through and are going through a lot my lovely.
If you had a broken leg you'd happily have it fixed. Anti depressants fix faulty brain chemistry. If they can relieve some of the relentless low then they're worth it.
As for pg. Ask for a blood test and a rectal (errr...) referal to epu.

[BeebiesQueen]

Thanks lay. I know I have a faulty brain. I don't judge anyone else on ads just myself. I guess it's also the inknown aspect.

[Layana]

I was lucky in that I had the migraines as an added excuse, so when I was mentally fighting it I could use a "proper physical" thing iyswim.
Don't see it as a negative. See it as taking control.

[rowrowrowtheboat]

Can't offer any advice other than to grab as much family support as you can now you are nearer to them. Don't be afraid to ask for it and being judged as most people like giving their time and love, and you can tell them why when you are ready. If you don't like the idea of talking face to face, can you do it while walking, or on a drive or something?

Just wanted to post some positive vibes your way.

[Honeymoonmummy]

Hi Beebies, it sounds like lots of good advice above. Re anti-ds, I know what you mean about be

[Honeymoonmummy]

Doh! Being reluctant to take them, took me ages to go on them with my first bout of PND, I tried all sorts first and ended up in an even deeper depression. If you take them and don't like what they do to you, then you can just stop them (gradually depending on how long on them). As for social stigma, no one has to know you're on them. Food intolerance/allergy may well be a possibility esp if DCs have them? I'm glad you have DH support, keep being honest with him. Good luck.

[BooMum123]

Yes I want to post positive vibes your way too - you've got so much on your plate (so much that you forgot to mention a house move, which- frankly- is plenty for most people on its own).

Make a bit of a fuss about getting your appt somewhere/time more convenient, you are allowed to need (and ask for, and get) help at difficult times.

[BeebiesQueen]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I posted a reply last night, but it didn't post
It wasn't important. But thank you everyone for being so lovely