Please help - I think I'm having a breakdown.

[Changedtotalk]

I'm a very longstanding member but need a little anonymity for this.

I've got Borderline Personality Disorder, diagnosed about 5 years ago. It stems from a very troubled relationship with my mother who abandoned our family when I was in my early teens.

I've suffered depression since age 17, had many interventions including inpatient ECT, 5 different antidepressants, 2 different antipsychotics, group therapy, individual CBT, counselling, psychotherapy, specialised therapy for BPD. I've made 3 serious suicide attempts, one of which put me in intensive care for 4 days.

I've 3 children from early teens down, have been in a stable marriage for 18 years (the only part of the bpd diagnosis that I don't fit!!). But I just seem to feel that I'm slipping out of control. I've always had bother with addictive behaviour, but in the last month my drinking has spiralled out of control. I have a problem with my nerves (and if you recognise this, please don't out me!) but have avoided going to hospital for the last 4 months (I'm supposed to get treatment 4 weekly) as hospital terrifies me and I can't face it - but it's not good for me and I've not told my husband.

We had a massive fight this morning and now I'm sitting crying in the bedroom and I've pushed the drawers against the door - I can't face anyone. Which is crap because he loves me so much and would do anything for me.

I'm secretly scared I need hospital treatment. I'm genuinely phobic of hospitals, when I do manage to go for my treatment they always comment on my pulse and blood pressure!

I don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal yet, but I'm frightened its going that way again. I know my children need me. I know I can't opt out, that it would be awful and selfish and unforgivable.

I just wish someone understood just how painful an awful it is to be me.

[HolofernesesHead]

That sounds incredibly hard. No great words of wisdom, but wanted not to read and run. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Sometimes just talking to one person is enough to keep holding on.

[Changedtotalk]

I've got a couple of people I know who have bpd too, been chatting to one this morning by text. I can't talk, I just end up sobbing.

I want to be well, and ordinary, and normal.

I feel I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm just too broken.

Thanks for replying.

[Ooopsadaisy]

Also not qualified to advise but didn't want to read and run.

Has something happened to set your drinking off?

Who do you normally talk to when you have a bad day?

Are you on meds now? Have you recently changed meds?

[Changedtotalk]

I'm actually off my meds at the moment, for about 9 months, but I think I need to go back on, in fact I know I do.

Things started to go downhill in Feb, when I missed a hospital appointment and was too frightened to tell dh (I'm not frightened of him. Just he'd try to persuade me to go, even though I'm phobic, as I really should get the treatment I need - its an IV drip over 2 days).

After about 6 weeks (missing a second treatment - now too worried and ashamed to phone the ward to rearrange) the pain in my legs and feet started to get bad - and alcohol helps it.

It's all so convoluted with my nerve problem (that I've had for about 2 years) and also my psychiatric issues.

I just want to lie in bed and wait for it all to go away. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds!!

[Changedtotalk]

Usually I'd talk to dh. But today I just can't. I don't know why, I just can't tell him all this. It's too hard.

[HolofernesesHead]

Just posting on here is a brilliant step to take. Is there a specialist nurse attached to your hospital dept? Some clinics have them and they are easier to get hold of than doctors. Could you find out if there is a nurse near you? Wishing you all strength.

[Changedtotalk]

I've asked if there is something at the hospital, someone to talk to, but there's not. My hospital treatments are for a rare condition that means I can't feel my hands and feet, my nerves died, I'm numb for life. You'd think they'd help you to deal with the psychological side of it, wouldn't you ......? No!

[HolofernesesHead]

Blimey, that's a huge thing to cope with. Is your IV treatment for the condition that causes the numbness? keep posting, keep talking on here if nowhere else.

[Changedtotalk]

Yes, I have 2 separate problems.

1. I've had borderline personality disorder since about age 17? (I'm now 42, only diagnosed 5 years ago but in the opinion of my psychiatrist I've had it 25 years)
   
   
2. about 2 years ago I started having weird feelings in my arms and legs, extreme fatigue, loss of balance, couldn't figure out where my limbs were if I couldn't see them with my eyes (fell over in he dark, can't clap my hands with my eyes closed). It's a slowly degenerative nerve problem a wee bit like ms. This is the one I get a monthly IV treatment for. If I go. Which I've not been doing because I'm very frightened/phobic of hospitals and needles.
   
   I can't drive any more, I work 2x half days a week only, I suffer lots of pain in my legs and feet, nerve twitching, restless legs. Get high level dla.
   
   I am getting to the point that, though I'd never follow through, I just can't see the point in living any more. My dc keep me going. I'm not sure (though he's fabulous) that I have the energy to deal with a husband any more! That sounds so crappy, he's been with me since I was 19, stood by me, loved me. But I'm just so tired!!

[Ooopsadaisy]

Are the hospital staff aware of your hospital phobia? Do they not follow up if you don't rearrange to make sure you're ok considering your history? Do you go to hospital alone or does someone come with you or does that just make it worse? Could it be done somewhere else?

Either way, I think it's important that you see someone asap.

Do you have a crisis team you can speak to?

I'm not going to lecture you about the alcohol. I'm sure it does help in the short term but it is no solution and I'm sure you know it.

Where are you now and what are you doing?

[HolofernesesHead]

Changed, I agree; is there a crisis team or suchlike? Please don't suffer on your own.

[schobe]

I suspect the husband thing is because he will actually help you to do something about all this, but at the moment you're still in flight mode.

You probably think subconsciously that if he went away, you could indeed just lie in bed. But rationally you know that's not possible and not what would happen.

Engaging with your DH and explaining how you feel is your first step towards getting some help. But I can see that it's a very hard step to take at the moment. Is there someone else you can phone to talk everything through - even the samaritans?

[Ooopsadaisy]

Keep posting if it helps, OP.

[Changedtotalk]

I'm sitting in the bedroom. Dh is downstairs with the kids.

I know the drinking is wrong. It's partly the pain, but I know it's mainly trying to blot out "me". It's very complicated with the 2 issues running side by side.

The hospital try to be aware. Both my psychologist and psychiatrist have written to them. They try to be nice but they are always "so busy" so a treatment that should take 2 hours takes 5 by the time they change bags, do my obs, get the needle in, come to take it out etc etc etc .....

Usually one of my best friends collects me for my appointments (dh has to leave to early) but she's off sick just now so I've just not gone. They phoned me twice about not going - I just didn't answer.

I know how stupid it all sounds. I'm an idiot. But it's building up, like. Wave, and it's going to break. All over me.

[Changedtotalk]

I'd like to try to talk to dh. How do I even start?

[Ooopsadaisy]

It isn't stupid and you're not an idiot.

You are a woman with some demons to fight and they are being bastards at the moment.

I think you need to write a list of things you need to do, starting with looking yourself in the mirror and having a gentle chat to yourself.

Imagine your closest friend is experiencing what you are going through. What would you say to them? If it was me, I'd start by reminding them that they were loved, cared for and start listing off all the people in their lives who have their bets interests at heart. Of course, you are talking to yourself and you need to remind yourself how loved you are.

Take hours over this if it helps.

Your list needs to include seeing your GP, contacting the hospital, getting in touch with a friend who can stay with you at the hospital, finding out about arranging support for the phobia. Get active and write a plan.

Your plan also needs to include the odd treat for you like a new nail varnish or a new book or something.

Include something for you and DH and also for you and your children. Plan a baking day or something.

I do think that when your list is done you need to show it to DH and be honest with him. He can support you with the list and it also means you are not having to come out with some kind of confession about the hospital - it'll be less of a bombshell.

This might be a whole lot of crap. I just think that this is what I would sit and do with a friend.

[HolofernesesHead]

How are you doing now, Changed?

[Changedtotalk]

Dh has got Monday off work, we're going out somewhere to have a chat on neutral ground.

I've made myself get up, shower, dress and I've just been sitting watching Horrible Histories music videos with dd2 (9).

Thanks for all your support. And understanding.

I poured most of a bottle of vodka down the sink. I don't feel so alone.

[Changedtotalk]

Im sitting in bed eating a lovely sandwich dh made.

Dh, dc and sleepover guest (ds's best friend, we couldn't cancel, it's been arranged for 2 weeks) are eating pizza and watching Doctor Who.

I'm having some rather more positive time alone!

[SirBoobAlot]

You need to stop and breathe for a moment.

I'm glad to see the mood has passed and tonight seems clearer. This BPD stuff is bollocks, isn't it? Struggling with the temptation of drinking myself tonight. Well done for pouring away the vodka, am so proud of you!!

Darling, if I was closer to you, I would come to every hospital appointment, holding your hand. We could wobble in together on our dodgey legs

You don't need me to tell you that BPD is about sabotage. It's a self destructive condition. The phobia of hospitals is something you need to work on, but be kind to yourself about that.

You've helped me through some shit times, love. I know it all feels horrible right now, but this is just a blip. You've been doing wonderfully - and you can do again.

Always here for you. x