I've tried watching tv & listening to music. I've tried breathing exercises & relaxation techniques, taken my pills... even had a fag!!! but nothing seems to working I.keep.seeing images of my abuser in my head.
so the I punch my head for that split moment the pain takes over & the image disappears!!!
I feel trapped - I can't carry on hitting myself or can I???
I feel disgusting & dirty right now.... it's like it's my punishment to never ever forget... hw can God make me a mother when he knew what a disgusting b***h I would become & to think a month ago I was thinking it'd be nice if I had partner & my DD could have a nice brother or sister. I mean WTF was I thinking that somehow all this would stop happening if I had my perfect family.... didn't consider the intrusive thoughts would be there forever....
is it possible to go somewhere & erase your memories???
If there is any delay, go out and run. If you feel you cannot leave the house (while waiting for your appointment), jump. Up, up, up, up. Put some non-relaxing (maybe angry?) music on, turn it up and jump to the beat. The rhythm and physical jarring will have a similar effect to the punches. But please, please call for help now.
I have to go out now. If the crisis team don't get back to you soon, call them again. You are important, worth their time and deserving of their help. If and when you feel this way again, jump and punch out. Your abuse is his fault, not yours, so direct your punches out, not in. Then make a cuppa, have a cry and stroke your face and hair while making soothing "there there" type noises. Comfort yourself.
You are lovely and deserving of love and lovely things. Take care Pain.
I'm ok thanku guys. manage to speak to someone after all in the crisis team. they came round and calmed me down - gave me some medication don't know what is was. also left a sleeping pill for tonight & I'll be seeing them in the office tomorrow.
I still feel strange. the voices are still bothering me but flashbacks have calmed down. also got family around me now to stop me doing stupid things!