Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Need help - don't know how to get it

(6 Posts)
DadIsSad Tue 09-Apr-13 00:22:16

I'm depressed for all sorts of reasons - sorry, the brief summary is going to be a bit long...
In a sexless marriage (I suppose that's not entirely accurate as we have had sex once in the last 6 months, but if anything that makes it worse). No physical affection - I've pretty much given up trying after making a lot of effort over the last year as I got fed up with rejection, and my wife appears completely uninterested in even giving me a cuddle.

Currently unemployed - not sure that makes me depressed as such as money isn't tight and I'm happy enough not to go to work everyday, though I miss having the social interaction and it does mean I can't afford to leave which I think I would do otherwise (well I tell myself that - whether I actually have the courage to is another matter). I know I need to get a job, but have no motivation to try - I'm desperately afraid of more rejection and find it very difficult looking for work - it's not like I've done nothing at all and have applied for a few recently, but not really trying hard, I don't know if it will take the money running out before I'm forced to try harder.

I used to do sport very seriously at a national level, but have pretty much given that up since kids came along. I do miss it a lot now, but once again the lack of motivation to try and get myself back is a problem - I am very unfit now compared to what I was and it would take a lot of work to get near where I was, and I also seem to get one injury after another now I'm getting older.

I have virtually no friends. I guess most of the people I'd have called my friends were people I knew through sport, and I have a good community of friends on FB, but not one of them lives within 30 miles, and I don't think I've actually seen any of them in person for over 6 months. I sometimes wonder if this is actually what makes me most depressed - it would at least be nice to have somebody I could talk to.

Oh, and my sister hasn't talked to me for over a year for various reasons which aren't about to get resolved any time soon.

Anyway I went to see my GP about a year ago suffering from depression. Got prescribed ADs and saw a gateway worker - I thought things might be on the way up. Was told it would be 9 months to get NHS counselling so advised to try privately - we were going to Relate at the time and I was advised I might be able to get individual counselling with them, which I did. However I got to the point I didn't feel the counselling was doing me any good, so stopped that. What I didn't realise is that I hadn't even been put on the waiting list for NHS counselling. Also stopped taking ADs about 6 months ago as I didn't feel they were actually helping at all, and I still don't think they made any difference.

Now I find stupid things set me back - today I broke an expensive bit of sports kit and I ended up with no motivation to do anything (was going to do some sport and then something towards a job app, but ended up browsing internet forums to take my mind off how stupid I'd been). I'm also really not sleeping well at the moment - partly a mind thing, partly that I have an injury which means I wake up every time I turn over.

Don't know what to do next. I suppose I hope I might land a job with my half-hearted efforts, at which point I'm determined I'm going to rent a place for myself and try and move on. But with no friends, that's a pretty scary prospect, and still feel so selfish knowing that I'd just be leaving to get sex (not that I'm sure the prospects for that are great - see above what a great catch I am) when apart from lack of any physical contact I actually get on well with my wife. Struggling to see the point of going to my GP again, as what can he actually do for me.

I'm not suicidal, but I'm afraid to say that intellectually it does seem like quite a good option, as I struggle to see how to fix everything. I think if it wasn't that I can see how upset my mum and kids would be it might be more tempting, though like everything else I'm just too scared to take any action other than just bimbling along hoping for a miracle (maybe I should do the lottery).

Reading that back, it's all so narcissistic an self-pitying, but I think it feels a bit better to have written it, though I doubt anybody's actually made it this far.

hypnotizingchickens Tue 09-Apr-13 00:34:04

I'm so sorry, I can't talk more right now because it is late and I have to get up early tomorrow. But I don't want to leave you when you do sound a bit desperate. I hear what you;re saying about not being suicidal but then you are saying that you are thinking suicidal thoughts. That's not good.

You do need to go back to the GP, I think.

And you need to be a lot more honest with your GP about how you are feling with regard to being able to carry on with your life. If you are really concerned about the wait to get professional help, you need to say so.

Realistically, you need to be in a place where you feel positive enough to take hold of your life, and do some of the things that you can't quite face up to - whatever they are.

ADs and talking things through with a professional will help.

I'm interested that you have tried ADs and counselling before. I wonder what stopped you getting to the crux of things? A good counsellor/psychiatrist will push - they tend not to be daft. At the moment you are in stasis, waiting for something magical to sort out ... what exactly? A good counsellor will make you talk about it. Or more properly, lead you to talk about it.

I am really wondering how effective this Relate counsellor was. Was it a Relate counsellor you saw? You know, some of them are ... well, it really is the luck of the draw whether you see someone who is gifted. For serious advice, you should go via the GP and see someone they recommend.

hypnotizingchickens Tue 09-Apr-13 00:39:57

Seriously, though, sometimes life can just trip us all up. Precisely because we are in the middle of it, and passionately involved with trying to guide our ship, in what seems like unnavigated and unnavigable waters, we get so, so lost.

Strangely, if we were sitting next to a friend, watching them go through what we are going through, we would probably find it quite easy to offer guiding advice.

That is what ADs and a professional should give you: the strength and the feeling of not being alone sufficient to make you your own "friend-giving-advice". they can give you just enough hope and self-belief to help you get back up again.

DadIsSad Tue 09-Apr-13 01:16:11

I'm really quite sure the ADs didn't do anything for me. I don't know if that's because I'm depressed because of my circumstances rather than because of some fundamental chemical imbalance - I mean some of the time I'm quite OK, but I get depressed when I think about stuff (which is why I spent most of today wasting time on the internet so I didn't have time to think, and also I think why I have sleep problems - I tend to stay up until I'm totally knackered, the times when I've gone to bed at a "normal" time recently I've found myself waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and unable to get back to sleep with my mind racing). Though my google research does suggest I'm far from alone in not responding to them. Maybe I'm just not a believer any more, though I remember being so happy when I first went to my GP that I'd actually done something and it was going to get better.

You've hit the nail on the head with the counselor I saw - it was through Relate, and either their ways just weren't working for me, or maybe they just weren't that good. Maybe I wasn't receptive. Finding somebody else is just another one of those things which is hard to do, and right now money also feels like an issue.

I kind of need somebody to tell me WTF to do - though I need somebody to tell me WTF to do to find somebody to tell me WTF to do if you see what I mean. I know I should probably go back to my GP - that's also a pain as the one I saw before who I'd be happy to go back to isn't at the practice any more, so it would be starting again with somebody new. The trouble is, unlike last time I'm not actually confident that it's actually going to help. I suppose I did think a while ago about going and talking about my anxiety as opposed to my depression - today isn't the first time that something trivial has set me off (though today still doesn't feel so trivial - I've broken something which was one of the few things I actually looked forward to doing, and it's extremely expensive to replace).

I'm giving the impression that I'm totally crap at interacting with other people here, when that's not actually the case - at least once I've started, it's just the first step I find so scary. I am crap in social situations, but actually once I'm talking to somebody I enjoy myself and it's OK. Why is it I can intellectualise that, but still find it so scary?

laptopwieldingharpy Tue 09-Apr-13 02:20:46

If ADs are not working maybe you can try other options?
I get a feel you need to concentrate less on the general malaise in your marriage and more on yourself. More on getting your anxiety levels down than a generalise depressive state.
You can obviously intellectualise as you said and deconstruct. You can change your circumstances one step at a time.

Your sleep patterns are very disturbed obviously, could you start there? A bit of exercise and fresh air in the day and a herbal sleeping tab in the evening to help you sleep through a few whole cycles. (There are some very efficient preparations out there)
Get back to a better place one day at a time, rest and increase your fitness goals slowly without thinking about getting back to national competition level. Just breathe fresh air and give yourself a little mood boost everyday. Eat well and do one small thing that you enjoy everyday.

Agree re continuing counseling to nudge you in the right direction for a little while.
Keep looking and even just a handful of session might help. Do you feel a motivational coach might be better suited so that you can really concentrate on YOU?

Because you are worth it grin

laptopwieldingharpy Tue 09-Apr-13 02:31:03

How about a boot camp?

A good personnal trainer is often the best motivational coach. And you'd be surrounded by like minded people trying to get their s* together grin
motivitional coach and group therapy and fitness all bundled in one! Who knows? you might even find a friend or 2 in the group…..

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now