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Can't handle this

(3 Posts)
stripeyjimjams Mon 08-Apr-13 10:08:12

I'm sorry, I don't even know if I'm after advice or just need a hand to hold. I just need to get this out.

It was DH's birthday at the weekend, and I got really anxious, to the point of not being able to eat, throwing up and smoking like a chimney. I've had anxiety and depression since I was about 22, and I'm now 27. I first had a breakdown when I tried to quit smoking, and realised I'd been using it to self-medicate. I never managed to quit, still do it now, more than ever. I've been on different ADs for the past 3 years, now on 100mg sertraline.

DH has been so kind, but I feel like I destroyed what should have been a happy weekend for him. I can't stop crying. I told my mum for the first time yesterday about how hopeless I feel and how one day I think I might not be able to take it anymore. This constant nausea, feeling like you're on fire, wondering if you'll ever be OK again. DH deserves a wife, not a burden. I told him yesterday that I wish he could have met someone else. He was crying. What a fucking shit thing to say to someone on their birthday. He tries to give me hope, as he was very depressed and anxious when he was my age (he's 10 years my senior), was hospitalised, tried to commit suicide multiple times, but is so much better now.

But I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like every time another episode hits, another med stops working, I just get weaker. We really want to have children, but I'm so scared that I'd get even sicker and not be able to stop smoking during pregnancy. I'm doing a PhD and am able to work at that right now, but it'll end in Oct and then I need to look for a job. I'm scared I won't be able to cope in a 'normal' job where I can't make my own hours like I can in this one. I'm so sorry to moan, just needed to get this out.

SirBoobAlot Mon 08-Apr-13 10:15:23

You poor thing. Have a hug from me.

Are you getting any professional support? It sounds like the medication isn't cutting itself. There are various therapies you can access, depending on what works best for you, but do go back to your GP.

stripeyjimjams Mon 08-Apr-13 10:45:13

Thanks for replying SirBoob. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on 8 May. It's just hard to feel any hope that it'll help. I've had 2 lots of CBT already, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. Hope you're well today.

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