I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.
Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.
I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.
Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.
Everything! I'm trying to make lists, prioritise things, get little things done but then something else crops up, and I just can't cope with it all. I used to be so organised and on top of stuff, now it's all falling apart. I can't think straight and everything seems jumbled up. Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me.
We all have days that dont go to plan. Nothing wrong in that. I was going to do x y and z, but for reasons out of my control, I have done a and b. Have actually decided to throw the rest of my today plans out of the window, and go with the flow. Feel better now.
I doubt that many people are thinking badly of you. Heck, they may even think badly of me for all I know.
I do have a theory that some people think badly of just about everyone on the planet.
If you are very concerned, you can name change on Mumsnet. I dont think I would if I were you. You could name change, see if you like it or not, and then name change back again if you wanted. I think that is ok by Mumsnet rules.
Felt awful this morning, wanted to ask my friend to take dd but I forced myself to do it. Got washing to do so i'll make myself do that when i've got the energy, just made myself eat a bowl of cereal. But my head feels heavy and muddled still and I want to go back to bed so badly. I don't like this not being able to think clearly.
You said 'Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me' and it made me think of the thing I like about MN most.
I have trouble with (what I know is totally normal) the difference between what people say and what they privately think. I'm terrible for presuming they're thinking badly of me and criticising everything about me and think endlessly about what was said, what they meant, how they must hate me etc etc, I can't stop it going round and round in my head afterwards.
But on MN because of the anonymity and the fact that it's not compulsory to post, I feel I can trust it more to find out the actual state of 'how things are'. If I say something, I know I'll be told what people genuinely think, why would they not? And on your thread I can honestly say I believe people are here because they want to be, if they didn't they wouldn't post.
And given that I'm hyper sensitive to any type of criticism (I have it down to a fine art, torturing myself with the results ), I've not even caught the smallest wiff of anything but care and concern for you.
If there's anywhere I would feel comfortable posting for genuine support, it's here. And I don't say that lightly. (It's OK to allow yourself to get something/help from somewhere).
I've had enough I really have, soory and thank you to everyone. My friend said this eve I always seem fine to her so that means this is all in my head and I'm not good enough to stay here. I want to be with my dad now.
It just means, like a lot of people who have to deal with the shit you have to, that you're good at hiding it. She's your friend, I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew you thought what she said meant she doesn't care for you.
Thinking about how you want to be with your Dad now, don't you think your DD will want to be with you?
Don't leave her alone and without you, she needs you.
Your love for her just shines though in your posts, ride this storm out for her.