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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

cappuccinodays Wed 03-Apr-13 22:50:11

hi GracieLoo
its awful I know. I am also a lone parent and it makes it much harder suffering with depression/anxiety. I have exactly the same as you, an ongoing script in my mind, am I doing enough etc etc etc mind never stops. Do you manage to get a break at all? do you work?
You are not strange. Have you been to GP?
Do you have anyone to distract you or "break" it?

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 08:27:06

I've woken up filled with anxiety and already been trying to do loads of things all at once. Plus just got an email saying I haven't got a job I went for. Plus another email saying I won't be getting full deposit back on a rented property. Got to get myself and dd ready, and it's all too much. I'm getting irritated when she doesn't play with toys I've got out for her, but I don't want to be a horrible mum. Got so much to do today, but HV is coming round this am so can't do anything this am. I want to go back to bed and cry.

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 08:45:24

Sorry I didn't answer the questions, I do work p/t but I hate it, I get a break two nights a month when dd is at her dads, I see cpn fortnightly and on a waiting list for group therapy. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it, I want to cry and it's all bubbling just under the surface. Put toys out and tv on and dd is following me around. It's not even 9am yet!

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 22:07:13

Sat crying in the corner of my room, feel like there's no where to turn.

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 02:33:38

Thanks! I know there's nothing now, tried everything and that's it. I can't do this anymore

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:53:47

I'm here talk to me please (bearing in mind I'm awful at offering advice!! (and half my buttons on my keyboard have decided not to function tonight!!!

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:54:50

What is it you think you can't do???

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:58:34

How old is your DD?

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 02:59:15

Listen to me! (and I'm never that strongly worded on MN) Your DD would not be better off without you! You are not going to turn out like your Dad! And there's no such thing as a 'normal' family!


Honestly, I'm not giving you some old flannel because I can see you're upset, this is something legitimate and physical, it might be going on in your head, but it's not 'you' it's the depression.

Do you have anyone you feel you could share this with in RL? If you do have people you can lean on in times of need, have you been actually telling them how strongly this is affecting you and how much you're struggling? Or have you minimised it a bit trying to spare them or out of embarrassment (not that there's anything to be embarrassed about).

Someone needs to know you're feeling on the edge, but someone who can give you the support you need, like your doctor or a family member/friend you're close to.

What do you think could help you to feel better? In an ideal world what would you like to happen? <hug>

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:07:22

well said AgentZigzag I have a 'normal' family hence why I'm up at stupid o'clock mulling over the fecked up world I inhabit. Goodness only knows the effect of my depression on my DDs and DH. But I do know they'd much rather have me here the way I am with all my 'eccentricities' than not have me here at all.
Life sucks like a piece of chocolate on a radiator or a tangled ball of wall sometimes. But rather that than be nothing.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:08:17

meant to say 'ball of wool'.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:19:38

Really don't want to go to bed now but I must. Your DD needs you and I need to know you're OK in the morning sad

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 03:22:11

Without diverting from Gracie drivin, I'm feeling your pain on the keyboard front since DD1 dropped custard on mine the other day, and then pinged off DHs backspace button hmm


Totally agree with a certain level of accepting yourself going hand in hand with feeling more comfortable with the damage MH probs can wreck on how you see things as alternating as OK/rock bottom.

I know for sure that my DDs would rather have me as I am, 'eccentricities' (liking how you put it grin) and all, than not to know me at all.

I have so many things I've got to warn tell them about, they need me, and while they do, I'm going to put up with this shit for as long as it takes.

If she could talk Gracie, your DD would say the same. I can say that without any doubt in my mind at all.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:37:05

It's incredible some of the crap my DDs just accept as part of me that they would never accept from DH because I am their Mum and they know that however sad/mad/crazy I am I love them more than anything in this world. Somehow for them that seems to be enough. Always amazes me that my loving them really is enough despite the loathing I might feel for myself.
Our children have an incredible gift which enables them to see through all the garbage we heap upon our selves.
when we become mothers we become something we have never been before. Through their eyes we are invincible we are courageous and brave. That's what your DD sees. That's what she loves and all that she needs.
Hope you're sleeping well GracieLoo and hope the sun is shining brighter on you and your DD in the morning

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 03:47:30

Great post drivin, agree with every word.

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 04:00:30

Hi Gracie, I could have written your op. it's awful feeling the way you do. It makes every day a constant battle, doesn't it?

On a bad day I wake up & instantly get that sinking feeling of 'on no, yet another day to get through.' It's horrible. I have to remind myself that it is just a bad patch & that I can get through it. One day at a time. Or even hour by hour.

And keep posting here. thanks

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 13:08:48

Thank u so much for posting. It means a lot. Can't say much right now as I'm burning up and being sick in between sleeping. Diazepam and alcohol don't mix. Dd is at her dads so is fine.

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 20:39:37

I've just read through the responses again and it's made me cry. Dd is 4, but as it's just me and her I really worry that she's going to be damaged being brought up by a depressed and anxious mum. I love her and would do whatever's best, trouble is at the moment I feel that would be not being here. I think she loves me, but I'm not thinking straight right now, and all I'm seeing is how happy she is with others.

Got to go to work tomorrow and go through the motions, feel I'm just existing and not living, of that makes sense. Little voices in my head reminding me of tablets all the time, making the urges greater.

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 20:42:42

How are you doing Gracie?

I'm glad you felt able to post and hope you're feeling a bit better, physically as well as the anxiety smile

Is your DD back from her dads now?

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:34

Yeah she is, and that stops me from doing anything. Just climbed into bed fully clothed. Everything is a struggle, nothing is making sense. I don't know if I need help or not, feel like there's nothing anyone can do.

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 21:18:50

I X-posts with you with my last post.

Just reaching out and making contact with someone who knows how much you're struggling can make a difference.

But you have to tell whoever it is how you really feel and let them know how seriously you're eyeing up that bottle of tablets.

Resist that urge, your DD needs you.

Who can you think of that you can contact now? I know you can't get motivated to do very much at the minute, but this is so important, you're so important.

Please believe me when I say that, the effort you put into letting someone know so they can help you will be paid back ten fold when you hopefully realise you're wrong and there is hope and they can do something to help you <sneaks in another hug>

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 21:34:14

Gracie, I always feel like asking for help is pointless because nobody can change anything for me. Before I had DS, I tried to kill myself. Now, I can't - I have DS & I can never put him through that. Sometimes, I still get those urges, despite knowing that it just isn't an option. Then i feel frustrated that I didn't do it when I had the chance. So, I have to find the easiest way to get through each day safely. It's hard. Very hard. But worth it. When I have an easier day, I notice DS laughing & smiling and it makes it so worth the fight.

Please don't think you are on your own in this. Everything IS a struggle & we can't fix it for you but we can listen. Have you seen your GP? Are you on any meds?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 19:48:30

I feel so low, have no energy to even get dd ready for bed, but I will find the energy, I have no choice. I see my cpn this wed, going to change meds soon. I can't fight this much longer, how can I live like this, it's not fair on anyone.

AgentZigzag Mon 08-Apr-13 19:53:06

You're doing really well smile

'I will find the energy'

This proves it.

Try not to look too far into the future, like Grockle says - one day/hour at a time, remembering that each bit you do is a result.

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