I've posted on here before. I'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance or validation. I just need to 'say' this.
I sit here with my baby refusing to sleep AGAIN after a very very long day, preceded by a long and painful weekend spent with toxic, critical family members. They're a big part of the reason I'm depressed. But they're right; I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't think they can do better. But at times like these I just don't think I can do it.
I get so sad and anxious over so many things. I get upset when I see graffiti in the park, when I have to vacuum, when another piece of food goes bad, when I realise no one has called or texted me for days, or when people do call or text and I realise I don't want to see anyone anyway.
I suck as a mother
I am useless. I can barely care for myself, let alone a baby. No wonder she cries all the time.
I am stupid. I make the same mistakes over and over again, and I have no one to blame but myself. I never learn.
I am selfish. I just want to go to sleep. I don't want to talk to my.baby or sing or read. I want to sleep.
Then I remember that my baby is amazing and deserves someone who can give her everything.
I just feel sad that's not me. I wanted a baby for as long as I can remember, and now that she's here I am beginning to realise that just because I wanted a baby does not mean I deserve one.
I used to work in childcare and after a dispute with a coworker, she told me that I wasn't a mother at heart. She was right.
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Mental health
I shouldn't be a mother.
3 replies
MsAkimbo · 02/04/2013 03:12
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