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Changing body in pregnancy, after suffering with eating disorders

(2 Posts)
Keraxy Mon 01-Apr-13 18:30:33

When I was about 22, I had an epiphany moment when I realised that I had been bulimic and/or anorexic since I was 14. I would like to say that the epiphany cured me over night, but of course it didn't.

5 years on, I feel that most of my eating problems are under control. I don't starve myself and I don't purge, although the desire to do so is still there.

My eating disorders have, in my eyes, always been about hurting myself. I have very low self esteem caused mainly by an abusive father, and I always enjoyed the control of starving myself or purging. It made me feel good to know that I was damaging myself so much.

I've never really felt that my issues were about my body, and I've never considered myself to be fat. My BMI has never really been in the underweight category, although I was close at points.

Anyway, enough back story. Recently, I have felt that my eating problems and body issues were mainly under control and that my attitude towards food was far healthier. Then I got pregnant. It was planned, and I'm very happy and excited etc etc, but my body is starting to change and it's really knocking me more than I thought it would. My DP is loving my growing chest, but all I can think of is how my boobs will look post breast feeding. I guess it is massively vain, but from a place of self loathing as opposed to self loving.

I'm scared of mentioning my concerns to my midwife team as I've never had eating disorders recorded on my medical record, and I don't want the stigma or judgement. I also don't know how they could help.

I don't know what I'm hoping from by writing this- I guess I'm just hoping other people know how I feel.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Maat Mon 01-Apr-13 18:45:11

Hi Keraxy

There are many similarities in your life to mine and I know exactly where you are coming from.

I suffered from eating disorders from age 13 to mid twenties. It was not until I met my DH that I started to get better.

My background is also one of an abusive father and the ED was all about low self esteem. I believe having my DH love me (even though I treated him quite badly at first as I felt I need to "test" him) was the key to my getting better.

I am 50 years old now, been married 22 years and have two DS. I won't say that having an ED ever completely leaves you and I am still averse to putting on weight - even though I have been a healthy weight for the majority of my life now - but I have never relapsed.

Please try not to panic. Just eat sensibly and love your body. It is changing shape because it is creating a beautiful baby and that is a wonderful thing. smile

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