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(30 Posts)
Allysunflower Sat 30-Mar-13 19:11:30

Hi I'm new to this site so hoping to find some new friends and helpsmile my question is im really really struggling with severe anxiety and depression, I'm now back on citalopram after being previously on it 4-5 years until last dec when I had a really bad time panicked when it was doubled and was put on mirtazapine, long story but I was worse off so now on this again, I cannot remember feeling this ill on it when I first started on it? I'm so nauseous, anxiety through the roof and non stop crying, I am on 20 mg since this last tues after being on 10mg with the mirtazapine then 15mg and now just the citalopram, I'm so low I cannot go on much more, mental health team are ok but not brill and I'm worried because my family are so badly affected by this, am I expecting too much too soon, I'm also having to take Valium daily, I've decided to switch taking the citalopram to tonight for the first time as was taking it in the morning, but I'd always took it at night when I was on it before! Please please does anyone have any advice and how to cope with this and these awful side effects? sad thank you x

Queenofknickers Sat 30-Mar-13 23:30:31

Hello sunflower, sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I'm going to give it some thought and reply to tomorrow ( as my meds are about to kick in smile) I have been where you are and it WILL be OK. Check out the thread on mental health entitled 'Andes' as there is some great advice and support on there. X

honeymoonmum Sun 31-Mar-13 07:56:04

Hi sunflower don't panic! Take a deep breath, I promise you will be fine. I have taken citalopram on three separate occasions for horrific anxiety and panic. I always started on 10mg for two weeks then up to 20mg as I find starting it do hard. The prob with taking these meds for anxiety is they initially increase it. This can feel like a push too far when you already feel out of your mind with anxiety. I always wished they could support me better through the start up phase as its so hard. BUT on a positive note, it has always worked for me and makes me feel 100% better once it does. I would say the initial effects last a week at worst then slowly start to improve over two weeks settling around 3-4 weeks. You won't feel this bad for 4 weeks, it will gradually improve. I find charting my anxiety v helpful, I make a week log with times down side, days across top and then chart what I was doing and anxiety out of 10 at each time, say 9-10 am 10-11 am etc. I always find there are times I'm not at 10 and this helps reassure me. Also, you start to visually see improvement. It's a CBT tactic. Take the Valium as needed, light exercise, distraction, talk to others about how you feel. It will pass xx

Allysunflower Sun 31-Mar-13 09:54:03

Thank you both, I had a bad night combination of a two year old who does not sleep well and is poorly with cold, but the nausea is as bad as ever this morning, and I'm exhausted but can't rest because the anxiety is so bad? I dread the start of everyday which sounds awful but it's really how I feel, so hard to explain as I'm not sure if the anxiety is causing the depression or other way round? I feel so guilty all the time as I just have no motivation with my children or myself, and no one to truly talk to, it's very lonelysad xx

Sparklingbrook Sun 31-Mar-13 10:05:46

Hi Ally, you need to get through this crappy bit then things will start to get so much better. Hang on in there, x

Sparklingbrook Sun 31-Mar-13 10:14:59

You may like to have a browse of this thread

Allysunflower Sun 31-Mar-13 13:54:00

Thank you, can't stop crying awful feeling thissad and the nausea seems to be getting worse as I go further on to taking the tablets, or is it the anxiety doing it and I'm in a state because of how I feel, tell myself I feel so bad? can't remember being like this on them over 4 years ago when I first started on them? took them at night then so have switched back, today's 6th night? on the increase, can't get over how much more low i'am all I'm doing is cryingsad x

Allysunflower Sun 31-Mar-13 13:57:31

Sorry, did you give it anymore thought queen of knickers? I'm feeling desperate and my two year old must be wondering why his mum is so upset all the time as I can't control it? And I'm not motivated to play with him I feel so guilty about it, he's beautiful and I'm just not able to enjoy himsad so sad I can't go on I don't think? x

Queenofknickers Sun 31-Mar-13 16:10:09

hello sunflower, sorry it all feels so awful. Are you off the mirtazapine completely? I ask because it can act as a booster to citalapram so I'm wondering why they stopped it. It is good that they have given you the diazepam - are you taking them regularly as they can really help with the anxiety. I needed 5 mg 3 times a day to stop the anxiety breaking through.

The citalapram might need more time to kick in or you might need something else adding in or as a substitute. Don't worry there are lots of effective ADs and sometimes the ones that worked one time don't again but there WILL be one that helps.

I can hear you are worried about your DS, I also have DSs and they are amazingly resilient. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him that mummy is crying because her head is a bit poorly at the moment and it makes her cry. That's what I told my boys and they were quite matter of fact about it - I don't know how old your DS is? Please please don't beat yourself up - you are doing the best you can and all WILL be well. This WILL pass - Remember it is part of the illness itself to feel hopeless, that you can't bear it - that is a symptom - depression is a clever illness but you must remember it is telling you lies - you will get better, you will bear it, it will pass.

Have you phoned the mental health team today? Also have you got someone with you to look after you? I'm around all day now so please post as much as you want if it will help xxxxx

Queenofknickers Sun 31-Mar-13 16:16:27

Sorry sunflower just re-read and seen your DS is 2. Personally when mine were that age and I was where you are I used to put CBeebies on wrap a blanket around the 3 of us ( call it a den) and just decide that the goal was to get through the day - handing out biscuits freely. He doesn't need you to play with him he needs you alive. Sorry to be so blunt but I'm worried about your last post....can you let me know you are there?

honeymoonmum Sun 31-Mar-13 17:21:27

Ally don't feel useless, you are in the worst place at the moment but be reassured lots of us on here have been there and got better. I used to dread waking up and actually it was the worst part of the day as I felt terrified of what was to come (the fear and panic) I was told you shod eat something straight away on morning as blood sugar is low which makes anxiety worse. You must not try to question why you feel so awful (easier said than done) just accept you are having a bad patch but please please know it is a patch I promise you, you will not go mad or die or feel like this forever(just some of my thoughts in the depths of anxiety) Is there anyone who can come and just be with you? A friend or relative? You sound like you need a massive hug followed by a diazepam and some rest. Don't beat yourself up about DS my oldest has seen me bad twice and is so well adjusted and fine. Of course u can't play with him, if you had noro virus or flu you wouldn't either and would not best yourself up, it's part of the horrible anxiety making you feel guilty. Don't! I bet you are a fan mum, you ate trying to get better which is the best thing for him. SendIng you a big hug and promise it will not last forever. It can't! Anxiety is a human response to save you from danger and once your body realised you are not in danger and has time to recover you will xxx

Allysunflower Sun 31-Mar-13 23:07:09

Hi to you all lovely people who are very caring, I don't have a mum in my life she is living near but has nothing to do with me a lot of all this has affected me really badly, neither does my only sister, they have been so hurtful. I have 3 children eldest almost 16, boy, girl who's 12 and a 2 year old son, thank you for saying all those kind words, as a mum it breaks my heart how this is making me feel and how they are toosad No I'm not on the mirtazapine it really didn't suit me, although I'm still suffering with nausea on this nowsad feel like I've gone backwards, I do take the diazeprams but beat myself up about taking too many and worry I'm getting hooked on them, only on 5mg up to 3 x a day but have had to increase some days, I'm dreading the night again and in particular the morning, sorry I didn't get back sooner I was just so bad I cried n cried, hubby tries to understand but has lost a lot of patience and at times been very hurtful, sorry if I worried you, it's just I'm not in a good place and everything is falling apart, I'm just praying this nausea improves soon and I get feel my mood lift, thank you all again for your support and kindness, wish I had someone close who knew what this truly feels likesad love m hugs Ally xx

Queenofknickers Mon 01-Apr-13 00:44:37

Oh Ally I wish I could give you a big hug. What you are going through is very very hard, let alone with less support than would be ideal.

I think it sounds like you need to see a GP sooner rather than later. It may be that they need to try you on a different AD or add in another one. Is your GP any good/understanding? What help are the mental health team able to provide?

Try not to worry about the diazepam - they are necessary at the moment and one day when you don't need them any more you will be able to safely and gently withdraw from them with GP help. You are using them for what they are intended for so please don't worry about dependence. They are also very hard to overdose on which is why they let us have them so again please try not to worry.

It is very hard for your husband to understand - it has taken mine years to get his head around it. Sometimes men just need an instruction like "I know you can't fix me but it would help if you could hold me while I cry/ take DS to park/ make me some food" or whatever you need.

I know how you feel about dreading the night and dreading the mornings. A good thing about mirtazapine, taken at bed time is it ensures a good nights sleep. The only non-medication thing that helped me was distraction - I would load comedy onto my iPod and tell myself "I will make it through this programme" and literally took life 5 mins at a time. In the morning again forcing myself to take 5 mins " I will put one leg out of the covers" " I will get dressed" but not thinking beyond that next action did help.

Crying is OK, it is more than OK, it can be helpful. It can help your body release chemicals and stimulate endorphins. If you could get somewhere with either someone who will be not be alarmed or by yourself if no choice and completely surrender to an absolute howling sobbing cry that might help. I was told by a very high up psychologist and psychotherapist that if you completely give in to any feeling it can never last more than 15 mins BUT you must let it completely take you over for that time.

I'd really like you to have more support - is there a friend you trust who could be with you? I'd also like the mental health team/GP to be looking into the medication - do you think you could manage to call them or get DP to call them?

Hang in there, I've been where you are and am living proof it can be helped and you will feel hopeful and happy again xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Allysunflower Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:01

Thank yousmile I don't see the mental health nurse until a week on Thursday, and the dr the Tuesday, he wanted me to give it 2 weeks by then on the 20mg citalopram? I seem to be very sensitive to meds so adding more may upset me more? I just feel in a big black hole, if the nausea would ease up maybe I'd start to pick up a bit? had an awful night last night with our 2year old, he's full of cold and was coughing all night so was hell! then now I'm exhausted but restless and nausea so bad againsad a close friend once proved not to be and after I lost our baby last year on my birthday was not there for me and not sincesad people ask but then that's about it? there is one lady who only recently found out I was ill and has been lovely, I could ring after today to mental health team but I'm sure it will be the same as to try to hang in there? there was a mention of adding a anti psychotic drug but it sounds horrendous and I don't want that, so I guess I will have to use the diazepram and keep hoping things improve, did you feel bad like this, and side effects? nausea? I just don't know what to do I feel so useless, I can't remember how long it took those few years ago to improve, hugs, xxx

honeymoonmum Mon 01-Apr-13 18:49:27

Hi Ally glad you have someone with you even if it's not perfect. I felt very had the runs and stomach pains whilst starting citalopram, felt physically and psychologically awful and only started on 10mg so not surprising u feel bad on 20. I don't think gp's realise how crap they can make people feel. Take the diaz. Don't worry about getting hooked, you can take them for a few weeks with no risk at all. I have taken 5mg 3-4 times daily for a week or two and never got hooked. The side effects can be so hard but I really promise they start to improve over the days and I felt a lot better two weeks in.

honeymoonmum Mon 01-Apr-13 18:57:25

Sorry ally meant to say I felt very sick when starting citalopram. It's also the anxiety though. Lost loads of weight as I just could not eat. It does pass. The physical symptoms definitely make it all worse. It's bad enough feeling ill without anxiety and feeling low. Hope you feel better really soon. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are doing ok and will get through this x

Allysunflower Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:07

Thank you, you think I should stick at this dose for a bit then and see how I get on? I know they have talked about increasing it more, but with these side effects that worries me, but I also am worried about my mood as it is very low still? x

Allysunflower Mon 01-Apr-13 19:33:28

Did your side effects last long? I've been on this increase of 20mg, well it will be the 7th night tonight? But still my appetitie is badsad I too have thought the anxiety will be making it worse? hard not to be anxious tho as I'm now getting fed up with the nausea so food becomes a big issuesad and what to do about it, I'm trying motilium an anti sickness drug but not doing a lot if anything and also travel bands? xx

Allysunflower Mon 01-Apr-13 19:38:51

I'm so grateful for replies its really touched mesmile just so want to feel wellsmile it's such a struggle xx

Queenofknickers Tue 02-Apr-13 12:54:56

Hi Ally
How are you doing today? Have you got GP today? Do tell him or her how sick you've been feeling - sometimes they give you ondansetron or buccastem anti- sickness that work better than motilium I think.
Thinking of you xxxxxxx

Allysunflower Tue 02-Apr-13 13:14:58

Hi not good at allsad sickness worse than ever, but I'm so anxious too? Can't stop crying again, said to hubby I'm not sure if it's because I'm feeling so sick that it's that which is making me feel so low or the anxiety as well, not seeing dr, every time we go he always says there is nothing he can give me for the sickness? feel so lowsad psychiatrist is the same too, I thought a week on I maybe starting to feel a little better, but if he puts the meds up will that make me more sick I can't cope with that, hubby says remember you've only be on it a full week and before that a mixture of citalopram and mirtazapine and the withdrawal off the mirtazapine was brought forward earlier. The first time I went on citalopram years ago I only had that tablet so can't remember how I was on the start up? I'm having to take more of the diazeprams too which is a worry? Can you get those tablets over the counter? As I'm writing this I'm in such a state, shaking and crying, my mood just won't lift? thank you for asking after mesmile how are you? are you still on the tablets? am I expecting too much too soon? It's just I feel more sick today, my two year old didn't sleep again as he's full of cough n cold so it was hell and then the anxiety got worse and has been since first thing, I can't face anymore days like thissad xxx

Queenofknickers Tue 02-Apr-13 22:45:56

Oh sweetheart that's awful (big hugs). It is the case that it usually takes at least 2 weeks to feel the benefits of ADs plus your husband is talking a lot of sense about the fact that you've had mirtazapine etc over the past few weeks so your chemicals will take a while to settle. D you feel you can keep going for another week? If not PLEASE go back to GP or psych - it is simply NOT true that they can't do anything.

Regarding the anti sickness you can buy Buccastem over the counter so could be worth trying that? Is the sickness a sort f worried sickness or a "might be sick" sickness? If you know what I mean?

You can't buy diazepam OTC it is very tightly controlled and if the current dose isn't enough then again a trip to GP/Psych is needed either for more or to add in something else. I take beta blockers as well as diazepam and ADs (yes I rattle!) and they have been really effective in helping me with the anxiety. Also some of the meditation CDs etc can be really good in helping with breathing exercises plus some lavender oil on a tissue to sniff.

Can you manage camomile tea? I wasn't a fan/believer but actually I find it can be almost as effective as a diazepam.

You CAN do this, it will pass I promise. You are doing so well and keeping going and I am cheering you on xthanksthanks

Allysunflower Wed 03-Apr-13 09:11:33

Hi, thanks for your message, the sickness is a constant feeling of nausea as if i'am going to be sick but it's also an anxiety feeling too if that makes sense,I just dread the day and the thoughts of what food to eatsad going to get hubby to ring back the psychiatrist to see what they are thinking? I can bet it will be a no to anything for itsad I've woke up again with it all, then I start to feel low as I know it's here all day now, I've got 5mg of diazeprams so will have to double up I suppose? I wonder if thats causing the nausea too? I'm sure the dr etc will just tell me to hang in here! I'm so tired too, but agitated and feel guilty for popping a diazepram? thank you again for thinking of me xx

Allysunflower Wed 03-Apr-13 14:33:39

Hi heard back from psychiatrist he can't prescribe anything for the sickness! said it was a gp so have rung them again and I'm waiting to hear back but it didn't sound hopeful at all and my usual gp away? I'm not sure what else to do? can you take the buccastem with all these others tablets? I'm just not finding my mood is lifting if anything I'm crying more? is this normal and still too early to see that pick up, I can't work out I'd it's more anxiety and depression or the side effects making me feel so bad my mood is going to be lower? I just feel I want out of all this and I know that sounds dreadful but these thoughts are there and I just feel a burden and can't see me getting out of thissad I've tried telling someone and it's still there, xx

Allysunflower Wed 03-Apr-13 18:48:09

Hi heard back from psychiatrist he can't prescribe anything for the sickness! said it was a gp so have rung them again and I'm waiting to hear back but it didn't sound hopeful at all and my usual gp away? I'm not sure what else to do? can you take the buccastem with all these others tablets? I'm just not finding my mood is lifting if anything I'm crying more? is this normal and still too early to see that pick up, I can't work out I'd it's more anxiety and depression or the side effects making me feel so bad my mood is going to be lower? I just feel I want out of all this and I know that sounds dreadful but these thoughts are there and I just feel a burden and can't see me getting out of thissad I've tried telling someone and it's still there, xx

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