Can you have depression and be a good mother?

[MsAkimbo]

Because I do and am not.

My baby has just screamed for 3 hours straight and refuses to sleep despite being exhausted. I changed her, fed her, changed her again, tried soothing her; nothing has worked.

I am exhausted. She's in her jumper right now playing quietly by herself while I contemplate jumping out the window. I have no energy and can't even talk to her I'm so upset.

She is a beautiful, bright, lovely little baby. She has so much love. I feel like she'll be better off without me. I know my Dh would have lots of family/friend support if I were to leave. He's an amazing dad. My MIL is awesome. I have an aunt and uncle who can't have children and they'd be amazing parents.

I am just not good enough for her.

[KatyPeril]

I used to think that way too. Have you spoken to a doctor? It's completely normal to be exhausted with a tiny baby. Please don't be so hard on yourself. xxx

[ColouringInQueen]

MsAkimbo I've had similar thoughts to these. Children can cope with a parent with depression. But kids who's parents jump out the window don't do well, even with lots of other family. You're the person she needs. You're her mother. You're clearly not well now, but depression is an illness that can be treated. Have you spoken to anyone about your depression? GP/HV/friend/DH. You can get better from this and be the kind of mother you want to be. Take care and be kind to yourself, and if these thoughts stay ring the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90. They're really good. I know cos I have spoken to them myself.

[MsAkimbo]

I have. Am currently on the waitlist for a counsellor.

She's 8mo, and I have yet to feel like I know what the fuck I'm doing as a parent. Every time she cries it feels like a knife in my heart. I lose it.

I used to work in childcare and was a crusty, mean old cunt. Now I'm a mother and I can't even care for my own baby. She deserves so much more than this.

[MsAkimbo]

Thank you Colouring.

Everyone keeps telling me it'll get better.

It probably will, once my husband leaves me and finds someone who will be the mother my baby deserves.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

It is very hard coping with depression.

To sme extent all parents have to fake it at times.

If you hold her and cuddle her and sing, that will be ok for today.

It is so so easy to compare ourselves unfavourably to a perfect image, but think about those babies with mothers who don't care at all about whether they are doing a good job. You are carng enough to post, to ask, to see your doctor, to try.

You are doing all the practical things too like nappies and feeding and Trying to soothe her.

Can you call someone now to offload your feelings? Or get our DH to come and help?

Your baby loves you x

[Pozzled]

Yes, you can be a good mother. You ARE a good mother. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but she adores you.

I had a hard time with pnd when DD2 was about 8 or 9 months, I wanted to just walk out on my family and not come back, I thought I was a failure as a mother and as a person. A year on, I am in a much, much better place.

The things that really helped me were counselling, antidepressants (is that an option for you?I ) and talking to friends who had been through similar.

Please do keep talking, here or to people IRL. Have you told your GP that you've thought about suicide?

[MsAkimbo]

I did call my Dh.

"It'll be fine" is his theme song.

He's such a great dad. My baby lights up when she sees him come home.

I wouldn't be shocked or blame my Dd if she hated me. I am the worst mother.

[ColouringInQueen]

It's hard work being a mother - there's no getting away from that. Are you able to be open with your DH about how you're feeling? When did you last see your GP if it was more than 2 weeks ago maybe its worth going back?

[MsAkimbo]

I seem to be a step late even on here. Sorry.

I am on antidepressants. I have been since I was 12.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

Are you being looked after by the MH team? I think if you are having suicidal thoughts it would be good to call them. If not them perhaps your GP.

[MsAkimbo]

I have called. I have an appointment soon.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

Is your DH going to be home soon?

[MsAkimbo]

He's on his way.

Thank you all for the replies. It's appreciated to know I'm not alone.

[ColouringInQueen]

That's great Mrs you're taking action to get help - and as yellowand says you do care - otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. That's a good start. Sorry to hear you've been on ADs since you were 12, you've obviously had some really tough times. But you can get better and you're already looking for help. Hang in there. Have you got long to wait for the appointment? Is there anyone in real life you can offload to before then?

[ColouringInQueen]

Ah Mrs you're so not alone, sadly so many women suffer with PND/depression. And get better from it. But I know when you're in the middle of it it feels like it will never end. Those sort of thoughts are one of the horrible parts of this illness, but they're not to be believed. Glad to hear your DH is on his way.

[Shakey1500]

Oh you're SO not alone MsAkimbo. I know it feels like it a lot of the time but truly you are not. You simply ARE a good mother for already taking steps to get well. Try not to forget that it is an illness, not a choice. And sometimes the only thing we can do is get through the next second, the next minute, hour, day. And every time you do that, it is an achievement, a step nearer. And not only that, it's a bloody hard achievement. Yet you're doing it.

At THIS minute your DD is happy. That's brilliant. But you must be honest with your DH and everyone at the MH team.

I remember thinking my DH was utter pants when I was in the depths. It was the only way he could cope, by pretending that everything would "be fine".

Get through tonight, minute by minute, as best you can. I'm sending you lots of anonymous love.

I know these words may seem hollow but it can get so much better. Wishing you all the luck in the world

[MsAkimbo]

It's about 2 weeks from now.

I do, sort of, have people to talk to. It's just hard to admit in RL that you're a bad mother and wish you were dead.

[MsAkimbo]

Ah Shakey Thank you so much. x

[ColouringInQueen]

You can just say you're feeling really low, you're finding things really tough at the moment and take it from there. Just wondered if your GP adjusted your meds at all when you went, or felt that counselling would be more helpful. I have just started counselling and its definately helping. Hang in there. As shakey says keep going and be honest. Take care.

[clippityclop]

The fact that you had the guts to come here and share is fantastic. I've been in a very similar place and one of the things that helped most was a very matter of fact doctor drawing a diagram explaining that this PND stuff is just chemicals, nothing to do with your personality or any choice you've made. There are some practical things you can do to help you feel more in control - get out in the fresh air for a walk, keep hydrated, eat well even if you don't feel like it, B complex supplements. It'll pass, it really will, and you'll be stronger for it. Keep posting here, you're not alone.

[MsAkimbo]

Thank you all again x

My Dr keeps telling me "I know myself best." I really don't feel I do.

[Pumble]

You ARE a good mother. You wouldn't be on here if you weren't. You are the best thing for your daughter. I know it can seem so lonely but the fact that your daughter was happily bouncing away shows that she is happy and that is because of you.

In December, I was where you are now, but with amazing support from people on MN and 'Mr Pumble', I am enjoying my girls again. I'm not going to lie, there are still ups and downs but things are so, so much better.

I found (and still find) the thread I started so wonderful, and so helpful. Talking on here really helped me, as talking to friends in RL was a step too far. Keep talking, whether it's here or in RL.

Take each day, one minute at a time. I still do that now and when I get to the end of the day, as long as I have two girls asleep in bed at some point, it's a success!!

[MsAkimbo]

Thanks again all x

Got some good sleep last night. Hoping for a better day...

[Shakey1500]

Oh that's good,glad you got some decent sleep. A problem shared and all that. Hope today is a brighter one for you. How was Dh? Did you feel able to talk to him?

[MsAkimbo]

He was wonderful. We talked a lot; I said a lot of things I had never told him before that likely needed to be said.

He is a very logical, facts first thinker so having his perspective is often vastly different from mine.

We also made a mini "list" of things that trigger these feelings I have.