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OMG i've had enough.....

(49 Posts)
PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:43:15

everyone around me is treating me like shite, all day today I've been reliving the horrible sexual abuse from my childhood. they just don't understand it's not under my control or I would just push the off button & live happily for the rest of my life

they keep saying we are trying to help you.but your not trying hard enough to forget about it. FFS what do they want me to do get a brain transplant or something. I got fed up earlier & said this to them. now they are not speaking to me! yday one of them told me to take a sleeping pill & go to bed because they did not want to hear my rant sad

for the first time since I had my breakdown I feel like a stranger in my own home sad I'm just sat here crying my eyes out & thinking of possible ways to end my life!

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 18:45:30

Oh poor you. When I'm ill, I get dreadful obsessive thoughts and you're absolutely right that its so difficult to get out of the thought cycle once it starts. The problem is that if you've never been through it, you just don't appreciate how hard it is to deal with and how you can't just turn it off.

Is the breakdown a recent thing? Are you getting any help for it from anywhere other than your family?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:49:51

yes breakdown was very recent. I'm seeing a psychiatrist every week. waiting for a cmht appointment now. I'm on quite a few meds aswell.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:51:16

Are you getting any support from your DR? counselling? Someone who you can offload all this onto that isn't close to you? It must be heartbreaking for your family and frustrating because they can't help - it may be why they appear not to have any patience, they just dont know what to say to make it go away. When someone is trained they can help you to sort your own head out because only you really know how you feel, you just need guidance to help put your feelings in order. I am sorry your family are not sympathetic, it must be tough.

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 18:55:12

My psych was quite keen to get DH to come along to some of my appointments at first so they could listen to professional advice as well. You sound so fragile. Its hard for families to understand, but its not an excuse not to support you.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:57:23

I think ur right Lucy they must feel frustrated they can't help me & of course it comes across to me as them being unsympathetic. now more then ever I think I would have been better off in hospital. they only allowed me to come home because my family said they handle it & now I'm seeing the opposite sad I dont know whether I should just ring up the crisis team & get myself admitted.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:01:17

babyheave my psych did the same in the beginning & I really did think they understood but today I feel as if all of that was for nothing. I feel soooo let down sad

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:04:04

Can you call your emergency team anyway? Just for someone to talk to? Tell them you don't feel safe if you don't. Your family love you and need you - you have to do what you need to do to get well. xx

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:20:16

I don't think I'll even be able to get any words out! I just wanna curl up & forget about everything & shut down....

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:28:25

Can you do that tonight? have a bath? go to bed, maybe with a book if you like to read, take a sleeping tablet and just switch off? I do this sometimes - it helps (my issues aren't as bad as yours but i know all too well about depression and anxiety and how you just want to shut everything out) What medication are you on just now?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:56:36

I'm on so many quetiapine, venlafaxine, pregabalin, lanzoprazole, naproxen, senna tabs, zopiclone.

all day I'm just popping pills sad

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:57:28

oh forgot tramadol 50mg (6 times a day).........

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 20:17:49

Thats one hell of a list.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:20:10

Why are you on the tramadol? Thats an industrial strength painkiller

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:23:08

my left side was give up now it is so painful to move my left arm or leg. the Damn pain starts from head & goes all the way down my left side. I'm in constant pain & the pain killers don't touch it. the only time I've been having any relief is when im asleep after taking a zopiclone.... waiting for a neurologist appt to work out what the hell is going on.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:28:17

Lucy I got a damaged/slipped disc so a lot of mobility problems plus joint pains (some sort of arthritis) plus dangerously low vit D & now this mental health issues.I've been on tramadol for about 3 years now.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:29:47

oh gosh, you poor thing - i really hope that they get to the bottom of that! A friend of mine had chronic debilitating pain that not even tramadol would touch - he now has a tens machine in his abdomen with a remote control unit - we call him the bionic man!

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:06

The pain itself would be enough to make you depressed, especially being on tramadol - i wish i could say something to help sad Have you tried any alternative/complimentary medicine for the pain?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:45:15

LOL @ Bionic man

I've tried her all stuff but I'm highly sensitive so had bad reactions to most whilst others didn't work sad

if even the neurologist don't work it out then that will confirmation I should just end it all. I can't continue living with this physical pain & mental pain, it's just too much!!!

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:01:59

My friend really thought he was going to have to live with pain for his whole life - the TENs machine means he doesn't even get a twinge. They never did get to the bottom of what was causing his pain. Please don't give up - you have to keep on trying because the next breakthrough in pain relief could be just around the corner.

Local to me there is a group called SHIP, self help in pain, for people with chronic pain. Is there anything like that local to you?

How many children do you have?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 21:08:27

no nothing like that local to me & I've got one DD (she is 2.5 years old).

I've been trying to fight it for the past 3 year's and it's days like these I wish I was dead as the pain both mental/physical is too much. of course when I try relaying this to my family it's like speaking to a brick wall.

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 21:12:45

It's so difficult when you need to talk about these things and no one listens, I found journalling helps especially when the thoughts are horrendous and you know you can't say it out loud. Hopefully your psych team can help you with grounding techniques, these help you "come back" to the present out of the pain and really help.

For the physical pain, I have EDS, tens machines are great as is a very sympathetic physio, hopefully neurology can sort it out.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:18:32

I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety for a while now, im going through a really tough time just now and am pretty doped (diazepam, citalopram and zopiclone). My DP, in the most, is pretty good, however if i even hint of any suicidal thoughts, self harm or self loathing he will instantly go all cold on me - he just can't deal with it and it makes him angry and frustrated. That doesn't help really, your feelings are your feelings and of course this is when we need more support, i think its so hard for loved ones to understand and deal with it. You sound so incredibly brave actually, you have come through so much and have a lovely little girl to live for - she loves you, you are the most important person in her life.

How long have you been home from the hospital?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 21:27:25

llianadupree thanks for the tens machine suggestion. I've tried it & it has been no help.

Lucy I've been out of hospital about 4 weeks now. your meds sound pretty full on too. I completely understand about family not understanding SH/suicidal thoughts as mine do the same. It almost makes u feel guilty for even having such thoughts. but we shouldn't be made feel like that ee should be allowed to express our negative feelings aswell as the positive ones.

how r u coping with it all?

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 21:42:10

Sorry it's been of no help.

Last time I felt suicidal I told eveyone and didn't care what they thought, some self harm techniques I was taught was to use an elastic band and ping it on my wrist, to wrap myself in a blanket and sip a cup of sugary tea or to stomp my feet on the ground. It's taken a few years of therapy and practise but it helps when no one else will listen.

You're lovely daughter is there for you.

Sorry for everyone else going through similar.

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