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Feel like there is just no point to any of this. I need to talk.

(20 Posts)
MrsDonnieDarko Thu 07-Mar-13 19:42:39

Brief history, I am 29, currently a stay at home mum to our 2 beautiful DS's one age 5, one 14 months. DH is great with the kids, very hands on and works very hard. To the whole world we must seem like the perfect family. We've been together for 11 years and have a stable loving marriage so no issues there.

BUT I can not find myself to feel happy. I remember feeling similar after DS1 was born for the first couple of years. I feel bored and restless yet have zero energy.

The baby is hard work (as was DS1 as a baby). He whinges and moans most of the day, not full on crying but just grizzling if things get out of his reach or he gets bored or tired (all normal I am sure but it is literally one thing after another and very extreme with him). I am exhausted every day by bedtime. I ache from sitting on the floor trying to appease him. I find that I feel torn between the two boys every day. If I am busy with DS2 I feel suilty for DS1, if I am with DS1, DS2 whinges. I know people manage more kids, busier lives etc but every day I feel like I am scrabbling and drowning just waiting for DH to come home and relieve me of DS2. sad

I feel so drained by him and the whinging. I can't go to many places as all my friends have placid happy babies while mine is moaning and frustrated. He's not yet walking so I think it's frustration but I am not sure. DS1 was much the same til he could talk. I just keep thinking I am doing everything wrong.

When DS1 was a baby it nearly killed me suffering like this until very gradually he became older and I fell in love with him nd love doing things with him.

I just feel like I don't really know what to do with DS2 blush. I find myself talking to him because I have to not because it comes naturally. I iver think everything I say to him so that he can get the maximum amount of understanding from it if that makes sense? I try to interact with him 'perfectly' to help him with his language development and I am exhausted by trying to be 'perfect' because none of it comes naturally to me at all.

I don't even know why I am rambling like this. I know I felt like this with DS1 and it was actually the most miserable time of my life. I genuinely sold all his baby things and kept only his first sleep suit and first pair of shoess because I couldn't bare to be reminded of how he used to be and how I felt being around him. Of course that makes me feel hidiously guilty now as I autterly adore him.

I do love DS2 but like DS1 he's just always been such a grumpy hard to please baby. I went to the doctors and got citalipram anti depressants when he was 7 months old because of how I felt. I got referred to counselling which I still go for but basically none of it can help because it's just ground hog day, every day I just cope because I have to. I genuinely get no enjoyment from anything except DS1 but even then he can stress me out when DS2 is whinging. I rarely snap at them and have never ever hit them but sometimes I am biting my tongue not to just tell them both to FUCK off because I am so stressed out which I know is horrible and I have never done that but that's how I feel.

I don't even know why I feel like this. All my friends with babies seem to be all over their cooing bundles of joy. When mine were tiny babies they cried so much I was honestly suicidal. DS2 is now nearly a toddler yet I really hate being around him. I just seem to make difficult babies and I can't see a way out of this. I really can not see the point in anything right now.

Oopla Thu 07-Mar-13 19:57:13

Mrs donnie, it IS hard work. You have every right to feel tired. I wonder when was the last time you had a break? A few hours to yourself? It sounds like its been a while.
Could you arrange for DH or family to take over for a couple of hours just so you have chance to get your head together?

I understand how you feel, sometimes it feels relentless. I hope someone else comes along with some great advice.

MrsDonnieDarko Fri 08-Mar-13 12:36:03

Thank you Oopla. I don't really ever get a break as such. DS1 is in full time school and DS2 does have a nap for about an hour a day but I am still here, in the house, waiting for him to wake up. Waiting for all the hard work to begin again. I have a huge preblem relaxing and actually not just dreading him getting up again which I know must sound terrible. I'm his mother yet I can not bring myself to really 'like' him. I love him. I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I just don't like being around him. I am so bad at this.

Today I went after the school run to one of the mum's houses who also has a baby. She was cooing and laughing at her baby, baby was happy and laighing etc... and she said the words 'how can anyone be bored by that?' meaning the baby. I felt like an alien. A heartless alien at that because I am bored. I am so very bored by DS2. I am exhausted trying to stop the whinging. I sing to him, cuddle him, talk to him but I don't get any enjoyment in any of it. That sounds horrible doesn't it? Maybe I'm just not a nice person. Maybe I am just a bad mother. I feel so heartbroken.

goodjambadjar Fri 08-Mar-13 12:44:47

All babies are different, as are mummies. You shouldn't compare your mummy style or your babies to anyone else's. Also, don't doubt your mummy ability, you obviously love them both to bits. I'm a sahm and I sometimes find it overwhelming, you're right, its groundhog day. Do you have any other friends nearby, baby and toddler groups, parks, etc? maybe taking ds2 out a couple of times a week will break up your days and the fresh air could blow out the cobwebs!
Where abouts are you, if you don't mind me asking? x

MrsDonnieDarko Fri 08-Mar-13 12:59:35

Thank you goodjambadjar. I am in Lincoln. I do tryt to get out. I go on little trips on the bus with DS2, obviously out on school runs, trips to Teso etc but it is just the grinding, never being able to relax waiting for DS2 to start crying. I know I have been here before. I know I have to do this. DS1 is the most amazing child. I would never ever have believed how that whinging, screamy baby turned into this wonderful little boy but he did. It is just such hard work every single day. I feel so trapped. The other day DH took DS2 into Tesco, me and DS1 were waiting in the car. I honestly did think of just drving away. Starting the car, driving out of the town with DS1 and never coming back. How can I possibly be a good mother when I am having thoughts like that? The only reason I didn't do it is because DS1 adores his daddy and it would confuse and upset him too much!

Oopla Fri 08-Mar-13 14:33:55

Mrs donnie have you spoken to your GP?

My ds2 is 12m and its really only in the last few weeks that I've felt we've connected properly. Same story as yours really in that he was very high needs, very screamy, always overtired. I just don't enjoy the small baby bit, love toddlers and olders but the complete dependance with no interaction is hard for me.

If you can please try and give yourself a break, ask DH to take a few hours off, come home and let you go out by yourself for a bit of go to bed whatever you need. Can really relate to what you say about not relaxing. I think that comes from anticipating the worst, a full on scream fest.

Have a rest, regroup, things always seem better after a bit of a reboot

MrsDonnieDarko Fri 08-Mar-13 20:15:31

Thank you again oopla, what is it with these screamy babies?! Nice to hear yours has calmed down. I do feel a connection with DS2, the love is there. It's just I struggle to enjoy being around him when he is whingy and crying for the thousandth time that day. He is just the same as DS1 was and it really was the most horrible time of my life. Which does make me feel so guilty for admitting as DS1 is now my best friend and noone would ever know what a horror he was and how badly I struggled to deal with him.

It's so hard to feel better after a 'reboot' as the whole time I am meant to be 'rebooting' I am dreading going back to reality. I sit and worry how DH is dealing with the crying or what I am going to do whilst DS2 is crying later. Even cooking tea has to be planned with so much precision to avoid meltdowns. Arrgh. Sorry to be moaning on. I know rationally he won't be a baby forever. I know in my rational mind that this will end. I just can't feel or see the end yet.

MrsDonnieDarko Fri 08-Mar-13 20:19:35

Oh and I totally relate to the loving olders and toddler bit! DS1 was never really a hard work toddler from being 2 he has just been a delight. Being stuck with a non verbal screamy child is hell to me. I just do not see why all my friends love the baby part??? The only conclusions I can come to is that I am either wired wrong and not meant to have babies or my babies are like nothing they've experienced before!

FuturePerfect Sat 09-Mar-13 09:06:42

You poor thing. I just could not read without posting. I totally get what you are saying. I have 4 children and I can remember moments when they were smaller when it literally felt that all value had suddenly dropped out of the world.hmm And when it's cold and you're in a park somewhere, trying to do the right thing and you're BORED out of your mind. It is relentless. Two of mine were awful sleepers and cried a great deal. I distinctly remember thinking that the whole baby market (clothes, fluffy toys etc) was a cruel lie. Firstly: you are not wrong - it IS very hard, and you sound as if you are a lovely mother. Secondly: I strongly feel some people are never meant to be babies IYSWIM, they make much better big people! This will come, believe me. As mine get older I love taking them one at a time up to London for the day, for instance. Really joyful times. You are so nearly past the worst with DS2, who will be toddling about and answering back really soon! My youngest is now 20 mths and immeasurably easier. Please go easy on yourself, my heart goes out to you.
Ps I also discovered i had a seriously under active thyroid for years, and since that has been treated, nothing has ever seemed quite so impossible. Worth a thought? Excuse the essay!!

MrsDonnieDarko Sun 10-Mar-13 11:50:05

Oh thank you futureperfect you have no idea how much posts like these are helping me. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

That's exactly it, I feel like all the value has dropped out of the world, all value of ME has gone. I have given up my job since having DS2 and I am so incredibly bored. I love being around DS1. I find him genuinely interesting, I love his personality and he makes me proud and happy every day. I just find it so hard juggling his needs with the whinging of DS2! I look at DS2 and obviously I love him. I really do want the best for him, I want him to be HAPPY and he's just not a happy baby. He never has been. I think if DS1 had been a happy baby I would have perhaps realised it was just his personality but because they have both been like this I find myself constantly thinking I must just be crap. I must have done something wrong. I must not be maternal. Maybe he's picking up on something that others don't see. Maybe he doesn't feel safe and loved enough. I don't know. sad

I feel like if after school I take DS1 to the park, DS2 will be whinging to get out the pushchair yet he can't walk so I will take him and put him on the baby swings etc but by doing that I am ignoring DS1 on the big swings. If I take them swimming, DH stays with DS2 in the baby pool, I go swimming with DS1 or vise versa. I feel like DS2 has somehow devided our family. I don't resent him for it, I am sure many families have this it's just that if given the choice I would always choose to go do an activity with DS1 not DS2 which again adds to the guilt. I don't like him at all :-( I feel stressed and lathargic just being around him. I sound like the worst mother in the world I know. I am really hoping that as DS2 becomes a toddler, walking talking, he'll become an amazing little person in the way DS1 did. I just don't know how much longer I can keep faking it. I am dreading the Easter holidays already as I struggle with them both round the house but like I said getting out with them is so stressful. I end up trying to do too much, bking with DS1, building towers with DS2 whilst feeling guilty for DS1 watching TV, colouring with DS1 while DS2 whinges, I want so much to keep them both happy and end up just failing them both.

Sorry, this has turned into a dissertation not just an essay!

MrsDonnieDarko Sun 10-Mar-13 11:51:52

baking with DS1 not bking!

MrsDonnieDarko Sun 10-Mar-13 11:54:06

If you are still around futureperfect can I just ask you, if you have felt like this, how did you have the strength and courage to have 4 children??? That is not in anyway a critisism, I am in awe of you! I'd have loved a bigger family. I look at DS1 and I want a house full of kids, then I look at DS2 and think NEVER AGAIN sad

kx147 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:13:10

Hi - MrsD sounds like you are getting worn down. I just wanted to post to let you know you are not alone with the whingey, grizzly, hard-work baby. My dd is now 5.5 mths and is like this all the time. It is hard work! She does enjoy things but quickly gets bored. She requires constant attention just to keep her ticking over. After a few months it was wearing me down a little. The first thing that helped me cope was viewing the day in little slots. Maybe an hour at a time. It seemed ok if she was going to groan and whine for an hour, I could manage that. If I thought for a second she was going to be doing it for the next 10 hours I started to feel awful! In each 'slot' I make myself do something, even if it is just bobbling her around the house looking at the cats and pictures, or out the window. Time can drag but I don't let myself think about the monotony because I don't want to let it get me down. Easy for me to say though.
The second thing is I have two slings. One is a comfy, inward facing one that she can go in if she needs to sleep and I can't make my arms carry her anymore. The other is a more rigid outward facing one that she can look about it, still giving my arms a rest. This is by no means a grizzle-free solution but I can't leave her alone and the movement helps keep her from getting really cross.
The third thing is find classes that can give your baby something to stimulate them - and you'll be around other people. I'm very shy and don't really talk to people but I exchange hello's and it's nice to not be alone all the time. I've been going to book-time, baby sensory, singing groups and we're going to start swimming soon. She does still grizzle but I found that she did enjoy it and I ignore the noise. Usually you can't hear her over the music/activities etc!

I don't know if this is helpful to you. Everyone is different and although you are overwhelmed with your own feelings and how they affect you I don't think you are in that different a situation from a lot of other people. It is ok to feel like that and totally expected too, in my opinion. Your dc1 has turned out beautifully so you are obviously a fab mum. smile

Oopla Sun 10-Mar-13 14:11:23

Happy Mother's Day mrs donnie (love that film btw) hope today is easier for you and you're having a fuss made of YOU smile

I can relate to what you say about ds2 somehow dividing the family. My ds1 was my sun moon and stars when ds2 came along and I've felt incredibly guilty that for a whole year I've effectively had to ignore him a lot (compared to how lose we were) BUT it has done him good, he's growing up and needs the Seperation from me to allow him his own interests. We were like a little double act but he's becoming much more his own little man.

I think once your ds2 is walking it will make things a whole lot easier. He will be able to interact more with his brother -following him around and playing (whether ds1 likes it or not!) you're so nearly there, the relief I felt once ds2 was walking and starting to spend some time independently however briefly was immeasurable.

Just now they are all playing on the floor and I'm sitting here chatting to you- a month ago there is no way I could've done that.

Chin up xxx and have a great day grin

FuturePerfect Sun 10-Mar-13 17:41:55

I'm still here Mrs DD. Yes, four children, but well spaced out in age! DS1 is 16, DS2 is 13, DD is 9 and DS3 is 20 months. So all of the older ones can hold/ play with the little one, which makes things easier. Also, like you, I have a very supportive OH, which helps. I bet you are your own harshest critic. I expect from the outside people think you are doing a fantastic job. Sometimes as a mother you just need to be good enough - you don't have to be perfect. TV is fine, just folding laundry with a toddler is fine - you don't have to do special 'activities'. Unfortunately our society does not always value the real work of being a parent, which can be soul-destroying. (It must be similar to caring for any needy and dependent person 24/7). You are very brave to voice what many people feel but are too afraid to admit: it is sometimes HARD. But the fact that you are worried about getting it 'right' shows that you are a lovely mother. Be kind to yourself. You are not inadequate at all - quite the opposite. The sun will come out soon, and things will get easier as DS2 grows. You know yourself that the highest-need infants can grow into the sparkiest kids. smile Do tell your OH that it is sometimes tough. But keep on keeping on!

MrsDonnieDarko Sun 10-Mar-13 19:59:55

kx147 thank you, your comments about DC1 turning out fine so me being a fab mummy made me smile. I am trying to see things from this perspective! Both mine have been terribly hard to settle and entertain at 5 monts and I am very grateful for you taking the time to post despite going through it all yourself. It's not easy is it?! Just seeing all these other babies happy and quiet when out and about. Even pampers adverts make me roll my eyes and tut at how unrealistic they are, making babies out to be so happy and giggly and its just not always like that. Don't even get me started on the sodding sudacrem adverts. Ohhh and Cow and Gates 'because healthy babies are happy babies' bull shit. I remember that one making my blood boil when I had DS1. It makes me feel even less connected to anyone else who has a baby because my experience of it both times has been so different to that. Anyway, I think I will section my day up into hours like you suggest and plan a little activity or something. Sometimes when DH walks out the door in the morning and I know I am alone with them for 11 hours I could weep!

Thank you for the Mother's Day wish Oopla Happy Mother's Day to all of you on here too. I hope you've all been well and truly pampered and feel appreciated! So nice to hear things have improved since DS started walking. I keep hoping things will get better then. DS1 lightened up a lot when he was able to walk but then the tantrums started! Arrrgh... really the turning point for him was being able to talk properly and understand. As soon as he was talking in sentences the tantrums and whinging disappeared. By the time he was 2 he was amazing and all my friends with placid babies were going through terrible 2s, I seemed to be reaping the rewards for all those months of hell. I need to remember this might be the same with DS2. He is so very similar to DS1 except DS1 was walking by 11 months so that helped.

Anyway, thank you for replying FuturePerfect, you sound like an amazing mummy able to juggle 4 children all of different ages. I think if I could give birth to 3 year olds I'd have 4 children by now!!! I just don't seem to cope with babies at all. You could be right about me being my own harshest critic. I seem to be constantly telling people how crap I am though so they don't judge me too harshly when they see DS2 kicking off and whinging. If I prepare them that he is grumpy and I am useless it seems to make me feel like I have less pressure to be amazing which I know I am not. It's definitely a defence mechinism! I really do feel like the shittest mother when we're all outside the school gates and the other babies are all happily waiting in their prams with their perfectly groomed mums while I roll up with DS2 whinging the second the pushchair stops moving, my hair all over the place and no make up on. I just seem to be floundering while everyone else seems to thrive on it.

Right, I shall go and enjoy what is left of Mother's Day. My DH cooked a beautiful dinner for us all and the boys made me a lovely card. I also got treated to a fab breakfast too and have not had to lift a finger all day so not too bad a day here!

pixwix Mon 11-Mar-13 00:21:39

You aren't a shit mum! you sound brilliant! you have had two that have been hard work at the baby stage, and it's still ongoing - you deserve a medal!

Both mine have been hard work at different stages - some babies don't particularly like, or struggle with a certain stage - it isn't any reflection on you. ds1 was quite easy going, but struggled at four.

Ds2 was very militant until about three. I remember once, giving him ribena instead of orange for lunch, and 3 hours later, he was STILL screaming at the school gates when we went to pick up ds1...

"What happened!" said a mum aghast.

"I gave him ribena instead of orange for lunch" I said in a monotone. It was like a scene from 'the exorcist'.

One day, I took ds1 to school, went home, then got a call from the school. In my postnatal fugue state, I had forgotten ds2, and he was happily ensconced in the reception cloakroom in his pushchair, waving enthusiastically at the coathooks.

Apparently, it took them quite a while to figure out who he belonged to, because his older brother denied all knowledge.

courage mes braves - and be kind to yourself - you are doing a great job x

ps they are 15 and 9 now, and fantastic kids - but I'll never ever forget those early days...

MeAndTheBoys Mon 11-Mar-13 18:46:52

Bumping. My DS2 is a nightmare for whinging. It is never ending. Whinging, fake crying. He's 14 months. It is horrible. some days I feel like if it wasn't for DS1 I wouldn't want to carry on. Things are so boring and miserable. I have no energy for either of them anymore.

FuturePerfect Tue 12-Mar-13 08:41:56

MrsDD - if you are interested I have a copy of a book ('What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks Like Nothing') that I could pass on. Some of it may be helpful to you? Do you know how to PM me with your address (I don't!) smile

MrsDonnieDarko Tue 12-Mar-13 10:27:53

Thank you futureperfect I am interested yes please that is very kind of you! I will try and figure out how to PM! Thank you.

I have decided to try DS with 2 naps again today to see if it cuts down on the whinging. So far so good, he's asleep at least so at least I am getting a break. Just hope he does have a nap later too or else he'll just be even more exhausted by bedtime. We'll see how it goes.

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