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Years of depression and anxiety

(92 Posts)
OhBlardyHell Wed 06-Mar-13 11:50:35

Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!

I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.

I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?

My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery! blush

MrsHelsBels74 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:19:02

Just got back from the doctor. She's said I can l overlap my ADs & also said I should get my mum over, so my mum is arriving on Friday.

NappyHappy Mon 11-Mar-13 20:30:45

That's great stuff, will you get chance to get out the house or stay in your bedroom for a few hours whilst she's there? How old are your DC's?

Have you changed AD's?

OhBlardyHell Tue 12-Mar-13 00:16:31

Sorry just a quick post before bed, have been really wiped out the last couple of days, today hasn't been too bad mood wise though.

Really glad to hear that Mrs! That's a really positive step. I will reply to your pm tomorrow, sorry I've not done it today, had a lot to do.

MrsHelsBels74 Tue 12-Mar-13 06:05:06

Don't fret yourself about replying to me Blardy, just worry about getting yourself well.

MrsHelsBels74 Tue 12-Mar-13 06:19:35

Sorry that sounds a little patronising, it's not meant to.

ColouringInQueen Tue 12-Mar-13 09:53:44

hi Mrs, blardy, nappy,
glad to hear your mums coming over Mrs. Sometimes we do need that extra help. As my GP said to me yest, don't worry you can return the favour when they're really old wink I'm pretty rubbish at the mo. My DP has gone to scotland for 3 days despite me being desparately depressed sat night. So my dad came over yest, is coming back today. My sister slept over last night. I had a ask a friend to do the school run with me - I hate having to ask for all this help too but I can't do this on my own.
Hope everyone else is hanging in there x

MrsHelsBels74 Tue 12-Mar-13 11:07:09

DH has stayed home from work today as the snow is bad & no-one else can get here to help out, I feel like such a failure hmm

ColouringInQueen Tue 12-Mar-13 12:13:56

Hang in there Mrs and just get through the day. You're not a failure, you're poorly, take care x

NappyHappy Tue 12-Mar-13 22:19:37

You are not a failure Mrs. Have you had some time on your own today at all? Do you write anything down when you're not well?

Hey Coloring, your GP sounds fab! Who is with you now?

Both call in favours off whoever you can. Its good you have support who will help.

I've been waiting 6 weeks plus now for my assessment appointment, have any of you had one? I'm a terrible skin picker and my hands look like a builders from it.

How are you Blardy?

OhBlardyHell Tue 12-Mar-13 23:07:05

I'm doing quite well thank you, not sure if its the ADs it just a good couple if days but I've been less anxious and tearful which is nice. By no means myself but a small improvement. smile Had DH home today because of the snow too, was really lovely.

That's really great that you've got so much support Colouring and well done for asking for help, it's really not easy. Sorry your DP is away, is it for work?

Mrs, hang in there, you are doing everything you can to help yourself, it'd bloody difficult and takes time but you're doing it and you will get there.

Nappy, my husband does that too, goes right thorough me! grin
I've not had an assessment, that's an awfully long time to be waiting though! Could you chase it up?

NappyHappy Wed 13-Mar-13 16:26:46

That's ace you are feeling a bit better. I've go it to tho back to the Dr's in 2 weeks so if I've not heard by then I'll chase it up.

Not having a great day today. Feeling really worn out. All boys woke last night so I was up with them all and the 2 babies are getting very clingy it is suffocating.

DH is in a huff as ds2 has got a bump and a graze on his head from falling over outside. It was his first proper walk outside FFS. Then when I got back ds3 had woken apparently the second I went out the door so double huff. As if he ever has to do anything.

Yeah, I can't help the skin picking thing, I've been doing it for years but its getting worse.

ColouringInQueen Wed 13-Mar-13 19:51:51

Hi Blardy, Nappy and Mrs,
Nappy - that sounds exhausting and I sympathise with that suffocating feeling - sometimes you can feel like you haven't got much left to give can't you? Hope you have a better night tonight. I haven't had an assessment myself, but surely nothing to loose asking if they've had any cancellations or anything?
Blardy - great to hear you've had a slight improvement. Yes my husband has gone away with work (the same work who are making him redundant). I am quite angry and hurt tbh as I was desparately depressed sat, and also him going away seems to have sent my anxiety through the roof. I told him Mon I was upset and he told me he needed a couple of days away to clear his head hmm
Mrs - how are you doing today?
Thanks everyone for your support - it helps a lot. I have had a better day today. GP gave me some additional meds yest - trazodone I think its called - an anti depression/anti-anxiety thing which is also sedating. So I slept like a log. Fortunately my sister was here to help get the kids ready for school as I wasn't quite with it. Went back to bed after they'd gone and woke at 12.20! Afternoon much better than yest and calmer which is nice. Going to try taking this new med a bit earlier tonight in the hope I won't be quite as zonked tomorrow morning!
Take care everyone x

NappyHappy Wed 13-Mar-13 21:04:12

It is but what makes things worse is DH has Spinal Stenosis and is in chronic pain with it and I need to get into my head that it is debilitating and he's not making it up to get out of stuff.

I'm on Sertraline and felt like a zombie for the first week or so and they're taking the edge off the bad days a bit but when I'm on a good day I get a bit hyper hmm confused

Let's hope everyone's meds new or old help.

Its great you lot are here too, RL strangers that we can vent at on here.

Are you local Colouring? I'm in Manchester.

Is everyone feeling any different to yesterday?

ColouringInQueen Wed 13-Mar-13 21:12:43

Hi Nappy, sadly not - Bucks. That sounds tough re: your DH and chronic pain - tough for the both of you. I was very interested in what you said about Sertraline. My DH has been on it since September (was severely depressed for lost of last year) and over the last month I have felt that he is sometimes hyper - but given how depressed I have been, I'm not quite sure about my judgement, he could just be happy but its in such contrast to me? He was made redundant last week and has been v excitedly planning freelance career, but this hyper worry and last years experience makes me v nervous...

Completely agree about this thread grin x

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:14:39

Can I join in here? Just scored 26 on the depression assessment thingy, and have started sertraline today. It's been so reassuring to see this thread in Active, to read it and realise I'm not alone. (Thought about namechanging but decided I'd rather be open about it - to the extent that anyone in RL who knows my username cares enough to stalk me on MN!)

Hope everyone had an ok day today.

run4it Wed 13-Mar-13 21:19:58

I've had depression from a young age as well. After really bad pnd after dc2, I've been on fluoxetine and now mirtazapiene as well. Think I'm with them for the long haul, but it means I can enjoy life. I've done the whole counselling thing, it was really good. It's hard coming out about depression etc, but my experience has been not to allow it to be a taboo - that's really helped, as I can now talk about it openly (was a bit hard at first). Anyway, good luck to everyone - it's a long hard slog!

ColouringInQueen Wed 13-Mar-13 21:24:47

Hi Fishandjam, welcome smile sorry to hear about your depression - and that's quite a score. My DH is on Sertraline and it has been v helpful and great that you've sought help and are starting treatment.
Yes I also find it helps to know you're not the only person with this horrible illness - I've found this and some other threads very helpful, interesting and supportive. Hope you get on Ok with the Sertraline and best wishes.

ColouringInQueen Wed 13-Mar-13 21:27:47

Hi run4it thanks for the good wishes. Sorry to hear about your PND. Good to hear you can enjoy life now and that counselling helped - I have just started that too (plus fluoxetine and yest started trazodone too) but as you say I suspect this will be a long process! Best wishes.

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:32:36

Thanks colouring! Argh, meant to say that I have also suffered from depression on and off since my teens (gah, the lack of focus and concentration that goes with this wretched illness really is the pits). Had it badly immediately after DS was born; it's crept up more gradually after DD arrived last year, so I think now it's the worst its ever been. Pile of shite that it is.

But as blardy said, my DCs deserve a better mother and my wonderful kind DH deserves a better wife. And if it takes pills and whatnot to achieve that, then bring it on. I'm not going to let the black dog beat me.

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:33:41

run4, good to hear you're coming out the other side!

OhBlardyHell Wed 13-Mar-13 23:00:20

Thanks for that Run4it, it's really encouraging to hear from people who have come through smile

Hi Fish, sorry to hear you scored so high, you must be going through a really tough time. You seem to have a really good attitude though, time the black dog was PTS! wink

Oh crap, I've forgotten everything else I was going to say, sorry! Finding it really hard to focus at the moment. I'll log in on the laptop tomorrow so I can hopefully get a proper post done.
Still feeling ok, pretty edgy and scatty but not so down and hopeless.

MrsHelsBels74 Thu 14-Mar-13 03:55:47

Fish, hi & welcome. Your situation sounds exactly like mine, had PND immediately after DS1 was born, this time it's snuck in gradually.

I feel better knowing that my mum is coming (although that makes me feel about 5 years old again).

I forgot to say that the GP mentioned my thyroid function is low which may account for how I'm feeling. In a way I hope it is as it gives a reason for why this has happened (although in my head I know it's all down to biochemistry, part of me still sees it as a weakness on my part sad).

Anyway, am rambling on & it looks like DS2 is falling back to sleep so I'll stop now!

Fishandjam Thu 14-Mar-13 08:48:33

Morning everyone. Hope you all had reasonable nights?

I suspect a lot of my current low mood is caused by months of broken sleep - DD (9 months) has not slept through since she was born. And I'm BFing so I have to do the settling (wish she'd take a bottle, but she just won't!) We have tried controlled crying but any progress has been scuppered by her getting lots of bugs recently - I don't have the energy to try again just now. Plus DS (3 years) is going through the Terrible Twos late, and in fine style...

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not a dreadful mother, I'm not going to be like my own mother (depressed, narcissistic, emotionally abusive), that yes I should have had kids, and things will not be made better if I wasn't here. (Both my maternal grandparents killed themselves, at different times, and it's still poisoning our family 60+ years on.)

Well, it's a lovely (if cold) day here, so I shall gird my loins and go to the Co-Op.

Good wishes to everyone battling with the black dog! Mrs, can your GP suggest any treatment for your thyroid? I guess that definitely won't be helping you at present. Blardy, I know what you mean about feeling scatty. Colouring, please can I ask what sort of counseling you are having?

ColouringInQueen Thu 14-Mar-13 08:52:56

Hi Mrs wow sounds like you had a good nights sleep (not!) Hope you're OK this morning. I understand what you mean about hoping there's another reason for your depression - its a tough disease to come to terms with and tell people about - but easier with something like low thyroid.

Like both of you I am also so scatty/forgetful. Nearly forgot to pick up my kids from school yesterday shock - completely lost track of time, my dad said, just checking you're not doing the school run...

My DH returned home last night and I told him how hurt I was. Still can't seem to "do" anger. Anyhow i got my own back without realising - apparently I was snoring loudly so he had to go and sleep in the spare room (something I end up doing at least once a week cos of his snoring!) seems like a side effect of these new meds zonking me out.

Hope everyone has a better day and appreciates the sun if you have it x

ColouringInQueen Thu 14-Mar-13 08:59:36

Hi Fish I'm having psycho-dynamic counselling more cos GP recommended local counselling set-up rather than the type. I had been wondering about CBT as my DH found it v effective. I am thinking I might do that next! The psycho-dynamic is proving good at getting me talking again and understanding some of the roots of today's difficulties - ie tiptoeing round emotionally fragile mother as a child, suppressing emotions esp anger... I think a lot of it is about some sort of connection with the counsellor more than the type of counselling. Mine seems to understand what I'm saying first time and coming back with spot on observations etc. Hope that's not TMI!

I think you're probably right about the sleep deprivation. I've been a lot worse the last week since I stopped being able to sleep properly. Also completely understand you thoughts about not being like you mother, and that you made the right choice to have kids. I have had similar. sad about your maternal grandparents. My DH's dad tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide when DH was a student and that has had an impact on him (and me as last year I was worried he might follow his dad...)

Anyway def get out in the sun! I am back at Docs at 10 then planning to go to my painting class at local college. All the best.

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