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children in long term foster care and I'm struggling *long*

(14 Posts)
getmeoutofthismadhouse Fri 01-Mar-13 23:19:40

My children have been in foster care since May and the final hearing last month went in the LA's favour to keep them for the forseeable future.

My life is now a mess !
I've been to the doctors and were put on anti depressants but due to having a blood condition the side effects of bleeding prevents me taking them . I have an appointment at the mental health hospital next week to see what happens next.

I have no idea what happens next. Contact is being decreased gradually between myself and my children at the moment , it has gone from twice a week to once a week , today being the last time . I won't see them now til 15th as it moves to fortnightly , then monthly and it becoming every 2 months in the summer . I am in bits already. I spend each day in tears . Some weeks I only move off the sofa to go and see my children . I can't even remember what day of the week it is . My house is a pigsty and my whole reason for living has gone . I wonder a lot what the point to life is anymore without my kids , then I think of them and they stop me doing anything silly !!

I can't concentrate on anything anymore , nothing makes me happy and I just feel like I'm existing rather than living !! I just wish I could sort myself out . I hate feeling like I do . I hate feeling empty behind the eyes . The day they took my kids they really did take my reason for living !

My question I guess is does counselling really help ? How can talking help when it won't bring my kids home . I've been told by the professionals the children will come home because I am doing everything they want , I am willing to bow down to them and I will do absolutely in my power to get my kids back where they belong . I'm doing a parenting course (when I got no kids ) I'm going on the freedom project even though I'm single . I have turned upto every single meeting , contact and I have been the best mum I can be for my kids .. .
I guess throughout the past 9 months I've been thinking of my kids so much , putting them first at every opportunity , let the authorities walk over me coz I thought by fighting back I would make the situation worse (the social worker at one point told me I can always move on and have more kids !!! I told her I didnt want more I wanted MINE !!) I guess I've forgotten who I am ... I sit and cry about how my kids must be feeling so much that I have become numb . Totally and completely numb . So how does counselling help and I guess what are the alternatives to anti depressants when someone feels like a failure??

cindersinsuburbia Fri 01-Mar-13 23:29:31

Your not a failure.

I have no experience of this, but I didn't want you to feel alone

You can change things and counselling can help even just to sort your thoughts out - sometimes you just have to reach out a grab a hand for help

I keep a Winston Churchill quote in my mind when things are rough

Success is not final
Failure is not fatal
It is the courage to continue that counts.

You can start to turn things around if you truly want too - I know I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but I believe you can

narmada Fri 01-Mar-13 23:37:03

As well as counselling, sounds like you need some good legal advice sad Have you had any to date? Could a Citizen's advice be a first point of call maybe?

getmeoutofthismadhouse Fri 01-Mar-13 23:54:20

At the moment my thoughts are all just about my kids and how alone they must be feeling . But then when I see them it's amazing how resilient kids are .

I was "coping" until Christmas and then having to see them drive off Christmas eve with their presents knowing I wasn't opening them with them the next day , it was a feeling I wouldn't wish on any Mum. Christmas day was awful and since then I haven't been able to find myself.

And now with contact being reduced I am petrified of how hard it's going to be to go 2months without seeing them !!

I've tried for so long to cope . Family and friends can't believe how strong I am on the outside . Little do they realise inside I'm an absolute mess !!

I need to sort my life out and find some strength to fight back somehow.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Sat 02-Mar-13 00:04:10

Yeah I've had a solicitor and 2 barristers.
I agreed to the order so that my children could get the help they need. My son learnt sexualised behaviour from somewhere they haven't discovered, add this with his challenging behaviour and being on the spectrum in someway , they are yet to assess him and he needs prefessional help before coming home. My daughter I may have been able to get home but rightly or wrongly I couldn't take her away from her Brother ,he needs her. No-one can understand why I did this but I know in my heart I have done the right thing. This is the only comfort I have from this whole mess that at least they are together !

UnlikelyAmazonian Mon 04-Mar-13 22:40:11

Who is helping you to cope, to manage your emotions and your loss, and to make sure you are able to make it to the contact visits you have at the moment? Where is the dc's father?

You sound like you are doing well, but it sounds like you need a lot more help and support. Attend anything and everything you are offered that can help you.

What is your social worker saying about the chances of you getting your children back and what you need to do in order for that to happen?

Defragged Thu 07-Mar-13 22:44:43

I have a nephew who was placed permanently outside our family. Although greatly involved with his care from birth, I was turned down to have him as it was thought better he was in a home without other DC and there was a suitable match available.

The separation was utterly devastating, but even that only gives me a tiny inkling of the pain you must be feeling as a mother.

You could try [ MATCH (Mothers Apart from Their Children) for independent and non-judgemental support.

Defragged Thu 07-Mar-13 22:45:46

getmeoutofthismadhouse Fri 08-Mar-13 03:10:57

I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday who has referred me for counselling and recommends I start thinking of myself and taking this time to make a life for myself away from the needs of my children in order for me to not only make s future for myself but to show how my life is going in a different direction to before which will hopefully help when I do try to get my children home. I am going to start looking into career paths next week . Give me something to focus on for the moment.
Unlikely , I have a close family but sometimes I try and keep my feelings away from them because they are struggling too. I talk to friends but the psychiatrist has suggested maybe finding a support group local. My children's dad still sees them as often as myself but as we split in October we are not given contact together. He goes for the 1 hour and I go for the next. Nothing in this
world would stop me seeing my children and no matter how low I feel I go and see them and remind them how much I love them each and everytime.

The social worker we have had upto now has been an absolute cow and hasn't been willing to give me much in the way of hope (I am about to put in a complaint after she told me before christmas its ok you can meet someone else and have more children !!!! I told her then I dont want more children I want MY children . It always felt like she thrived on my pain ! ) Soon another social worker will be taking over and then I will hopefully feel able to approach her later on with the cards on the table and ask her what they want in order for my kids to eventually come back to me. I have openly said to many professionals I will do what it takes .
At the minute I know my children need to be where they are , they need the help they are going to get and I need to find me again . I feel lost beneath all the numbness and failure but I have to stay strong for my kids.
Defragged thanks for the link I will definitely have a look. The pain I feel I wouldn't wish on any parent. My whole life has changed . Some days I walk down the street and see Mums screaming , swearing at the kids . Kids being left to walk miles behind , mums moaning about how hard life is with their kids and I just want to blurt out... try living without your kids , stop taking them for granted coz your kids can be taken in a heartbeat . Children you have given birth to and love more than words can ever explain gone to live with strangers . I just hope one day I can make all this upto them . I've gotta get through the next year though first of reduced contact. Contact is now at fortnightly , I would normally see them tomorrow . I don't know how I'm gonna get through next week !!

Defragged Fri 08-Mar-13 09:45:56

Glad to hear you are being referred for counselling OP. You're doing really well to stay strong and positive for contact - you know they need you to do that and that's what will probably help get you through the hard days. It's good that you know you're children are in a safe place and where they need to be to get the support they need. You can always work at keeping and developing a positive relationship with them, regardless of whether they come back to live or not. I know it's excrutiating but please try to remember that.

Keep reaching out for support you need for yourself - your psychiatrist is right to suggest trying to find an occupation to focus attention on. It will help with the healing and adjustment process, as will finding a support group, I wish you well with that.

Try to keep as busy as you can to help pass the time but remember you are also allowed to grieve for the loss. The Samaritans can be a great support if there are times when the pain gets too much 08457 90 90 90.

saraheve Sun 08-Jan-17 19:18:21

Hi i know exactly how you feel this has recently happened to me.
I know from experience and what I'm going through now how painful it is.
But your place can't get messy and going to councilling or theraphy will add to your evidence when you go back to court. Remember you can discharge order every 6 months. So however painful it is put on some make up put on a pretend smile around social services or anyone that is related to them and do what ever you can. I know it's hard but look after yourself. I wish you luck don't give up. We can both do it it's so painful loosing a child but we have to do everything we can to turn around this order. Good luck.

picklemepopcorn Sun 08-Jan-17 19:21:00

Saraheve, this is an old thread, just so you know.

saraheve Sun 08-Jan-17 19:25:05

I'm going through the same as you i was seeing my son weekly then fortnightly now every 2 months. The contact meeting was cancelled twice and I dont even know when im next seeing him. It's killing me

picklemepopcorn Mon 09-Jan-17 06:57:25

Saraheve, better to start a new thread.

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