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feel like i can't go on anymore

(14 Posts)
sarah115 Sun 03-Mar-13 10:20:28

Thank you agent zigzag. I know what u mean it has made me realise how much I need and love my partner. No I don't talk to him anymore and I have made sure I don't need to see him again. I will never ever be tempted again. I hate myself for it. Im finding it hard to forgive myself but I know I can't turn back the clock as much As I want to. Thank you for not judging me. yous r all so kind to me and are helping me alot i appreciate all the advice. I'm desperate to just get on with my life now and make the rest of our days together the happiest for him and our little boy.

AgentZigzag Sat 02-Mar-13 20:40:35

You are being very hard on yourself sarah, and in some twisted way it's good because the guilt has brought into focus how deep the feelings you have for your DP are.

I don't think you should tell him either as it'd serve no purpose (if you're not in contact with the other person and won't feel tempted in the future, which would be unfair on your DP).

But I also think you've suffered enough with it now and should actively find ways of being kind and forgiving yourself for the moment of madness you had.

It's OK to respond genuinely to your DP if he's being nice to you, you've made the choice to stay with him rather than go off with someone else, so you're not betraying or being disloyal to him by letting go of what happened and living a happy life with him and your lovely baby smile

sarah115 Sat 02-Mar-13 15:44:58

Thank you cats22. Yes we did although he had partners before but I didn't. Ur very understanding and what u Have just said has helped me gain some prospective. I have been told by my doctor and parents that I need yo forgive myself but I'm finding that very hard as I hate what I done. My partner doesn't react very well to bad news. He does have a anger issues but please do not think that he ever does with me or our little boy. He is very supportive although he doesn't understand depression but then again I feel bad when he is nice to me because of what I done.

sarah115 Sat 02-Mar-13 15:19:10

Thank you used to Be a pixie. Yeah I don't think it helps everything I have going on at the one time. Yeah my parents know jowls bad I am and I don't think they know what to do with me. Don't get me wrong they do try and do a lot for me. I'm going to go bk to the gym I think and learn to drive. I hope the counciling works to. I know I probably sound like a bad person for what I done but I do truly love my partner and it will never happen again. I feel like a fraud for not telling him but I know and my parents agree the damage it would cause is not worth it and would destroy me and him. It's just trying to learn to live with it now. It's good to have someone who doesn't know me to give me there opinions. Xxx

cats22 Sat 02-Mar-13 15:06:22

The mistake is in the past.
Did you get together when you were very young? Never having been with anyone else is not an excuse, but it is a very valid reason to explain why a loyal and loving girl could cheat on a man who she loves. People who marry their first partner often end up in later life wondering what they have missed out on, much better to experiment when young. Forgive yourself! And I agree, nothing to be gained by getting this secret out in the open.

New mums often feel pressure to be perfect, when in reality none of us are, or were before we became mums. You don't have to be perfect, just good enough.

I worry that you are afraid your partner would react so badly to this that he would end up in jail. Does he normally overreact? He doesn't sound very caring. Have you had a look at the relationships section on mumsnet? Lots of wisdom on there. Can you leave the baby with someone so you can have a serious chat with your partner about how you feel unsupported?

UsedToBeAPixie Sat 02-Mar-13 12:22:31

Oh dear, it sounds like you're in a vicious circle sarah115 .

On the chat abbreviations, there's no link on the app if you're using your phone, but if you're on the full website there's a link to the list that people on here use (I still have to refer to it sometimes if I'm honest!). DH is 'dear husband', DD daughter, DS son etc...

It sounds like you are confident talking to your parents and that's amazing support to have - don't underestimate that. I agree with the others, the combo of starting on antidepressants and just having had a baby (and potentially PND) is quite potent - mix in some buried guilt and it's quite a heady cocktail.
It takes time to get your head around life with a tiny baby, and not everyone bonds straight away - and you're right, people don't know what to do with a mum that doesn't feel like a mum! Do your parents know how down you are and is there anything they could do to help?
Practical things like shopping or giving you an hour to yourself make a huge difference when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Did you have any hobbies before your had your baby? Or fancy anything now? Something to focus on and "achieve", no matter how small, may help you.
Is there a local group you could join, either a mums groups or one specifically for PND? There might be a Mumsnet local group you can go to.

On the mistake - don't tell your partner, it's not worth it. Keep confiding in your folks if you need to and focus on the future rather than the past. You say you're waiting for counselling, that's a good step forward and I hope it helps xxxx

sarah115 Sat 02-Mar-13 11:49:04

Im not really religious. I have told my mum and dad and they both say I shouldn't tell him and I don't want to either because as I said it would ruin not only my life but everone round about me. What is my dh I'm not used to this chat yet. Lol. I love my life apart from what I done and I still can't belive I was so stupid to risk losing all I have. I know there is no way he could find out unless I told him but I just feel I don't deserve my man but I couldn't live withoutility him. He is no angel he has made some big mistakes to over the years that has nearly ended us but I don't think he has ever done that. He was the only man I had been with and I know that's no excuse. Thank you all for ur opinions and advice I appreciate it and I really appreciate not being judged by yous.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:02:43

Woahh - how long have you been on the ADs? It takes a couple of weeks for them to work and it can sometimes feel a bit worse in that time.

I am sure what you have done is not that bad - would you like to tell us? It doesn't matter if you don't. I just think your depression is distorting your view of things just now.

My friend had PND where she didn't feel her DD was hers, she said she did all the things she needed to do for her but just as you would if you were babysitting or a nanny. But now they have a lovely relationship.

good suggestion there by amillionyears if you feel you could talk to your priest?

If you are not feeling better, go back to your doctors and get an emergency assesment with the CMHT. You don't have to go through this on your own .

Please please please if you have been unfaithful do NOT tell your DH, what would be the point?

amillionyears Sat 02-Mar-13 09:56:28

First of all, we all make mistakes. Every single one of us.
Not been in this situation myself, so I am probably not the best person to answer this. If you posted this on chat, you would also probably get a lot more answers.
The only thing I can think of is are you religious at all?
Do you know of a vicar or priest that you could unburden to.
It sounds to me like you need to tell a rl person who wouldnt judge you.
Then you could see what you would want to do after that.

sarah115 Sat 02-Mar-13 08:52:56

My baby is 4 month's old. Its hard to talk about feel like it was someone else. I have been with my partner for nearly ten years and I was flattered by attention from someone else and it went to far. I don't know why I did it because my man is my life. My world would crumble without him. I know it sounds dramatic but he feels the same about me but if I had to tell him he would end up going mad and wrecking everything he would prob end up in jail and I don't want that for my little boy. I want him to have his mum and dad. I know this is all my fault but I'm so desperate to fix it. Don't want to ruin everyone life because it would effect everyone not just me.

AgentZigzag Sat 02-Mar-13 01:26:35

Everyone makes mistakes, fucking hell I've made a fair few I wouldn't relish bringing up ever again.

Is this mistake ever likely to rear its ugly head again? I mean like does it depend on one person keeping their trap shut, or are you the only person who knows?

The other thing to keep in mind (and I'm guessing because I'm blindly stumbling about in the dark not knowing what it is, (and that's not an encouragement to say, you shouldn't if it'd make you feel worse)) is that it's possible you don't have the best perspective of it given you're smack bang in the middle of the situation as well as being on AD's (and I'm not suggesting you're incapable of rational thought because of that).

It would be unreasonable for the people around you not to respond with support when they see you're distressed. This could be either because they're not listening and taking you seriously when you say how you feel, or you could be playing down the seriousness of your feelings to those around you, which even in this short thread are pretty alarming if you're desperately scrabbling about to find reasons to keep your life.

Are you able to say what you've said in this thread to the people you know in RL?

From the outside I would say you need to look around and decide who would be best placed to help you feel the contentment you're looking for (and just guessing again, but I would say that would be your GP), and decide what words would get across to them how much this is taking over your life.

If everyday is getting harder then now's the time to do something, everyone is unhappy with their life to some degree, but you posting this makes me think you know this isn't the everyday pissedoffness people normally have to put up with.

amillionyears Fri 01-Mar-13 22:39:32

Would it help to write the mistakes down somewhere.
Either on here, or on a piece of paper and then thoroughly shred it?

cats22 Fri 01-Mar-13 22:35:17

What's the mistake? Sounds like you are punishing yourself too much. I'm sure you don't deserve to feel constantly guilty, it must be awful. Hang on for that counselling, it will help. How old is your baby?

sarah115 Fri 01-Mar-13 21:33:58

I'm not coping at all. I've not long had a baby and if I'm honest I Have loads of fantastic things in my life but I can't enjoy them anymore as I feel I dont deserve them. I have so much pressure on me to get better. Everyone round about me can't deal with the fact that I'm not managing and I feel like no one wants to be round about me. I don't want to have depression and I have made some major mistakes in my life that if they came out would not only ruin my life but my partners, sons, parents and his family but the pressure if that is making me I'll. I can't seem to stop reliving my mistake in my head until the guilt eats me up. I'm so desperate to keep my life and be happy but doubt know how. Any suggestions or ideas would be appreciated. As everyday is getting harder. I am on anti depressents and waiting to get counciling.

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