Am I having a breakdown?

[Mycatlovesme]

I have struggled with mental health issues, depression and anxiety since my early teens. I'm now 36. Lately I feel like I've gone downhill further and further. I think I am having a breakdown. This is how I am feeling:

Feeling that nobody likes me. Dwelling on old things that happened years ago and feeling like a total victim and unable to cope with any rejection or upset.

Total up and down mood swings. Mainly down at the moment. I also can't make any decisions such as what to have for tea and get upset even trying to make any.

Unable to do basic tasks; unloading the dishwasher feels like a major task to me, and sometimes I just cannot seem to get myself to do simple things.

Lack of interest in how I look. I've always taken a pride in how I look but am not washing my hair very much and am just pulling on the same pair of jeans day after day with an unironed top from the laundry pile. I've always worn make up but can't bring myself to put any on at the moment. It feels like hard work.

A sort of numbness. I don't cry very much. I just feel like I'm existing.

I can't seem to sleep and when I do it's disturbed.

Sorry this seems to methodical and list-like. I've even found it hard to type this post, everything is overwhelming.

[Mycatlovesme]

Just thought too that there aren't many people I want to see at the moment, and I can't face going anywhere or meeting anyone. I can face seeing maybe one or two friends, and don't want to go anywhere. I drop my youngest child at preschool each morning then just come home and sit around for 3 hours as I can't do much else

[TheSilveryPussycat]

This sounds like depression. Do go and see GP, and please don't be afraid to take ADs if prescribed. They can be v effective, although usually take some time to kick in, and sometimes it can take a while to find the right one for you.

Sending warm thoughts.

[Greensleeves]

I don't know that it would be helpful to label what you are going through as "a breakdown" or " not a breakdown" - there is no line there as such. But you sound severely depressed and also suffering from clinical anxiety.

I'm the same age as you and have struggled with anxiety and depression since childhood too. I think from reading your post that I understand how you feel.

The black thoughts you are having, the depressive thinking about yourself and the indecision are linked. You feel no confidence in yourself and your own value, so you don't trust your own judgement. Also it is VERY hard to motivate yourself to do things that need doing, because you don't believe at root that anything you can do will be significant enough to dent the misery, so you end up with a mental block against getting stuck into anything. This makes you feel drained and tired which then becomes a further barrier against doing anything to improve your surroundings. You don't feel you've achieved anything during the day so your nights are disturbed and sleep poor quality

I may be assuming too much there, but that's a rough description of how I feel when I "go under". I realised once that I had sat shivering and being miserable about the cold for hours, and it hadn't crossed my mind to shut the window. If one of the children was cold, I would have shut it, but I didn't do things for myself.

I take amytriptyline for the anxiety and citalopram for the depression, and between them they do actually keep my head above water. I think the main benefit is that when I am drowning, the medication is a life jacket that just gives me enough "oomph" to let me make some changes to lifestyle (diet, things that help me sleep/relax, "thought-catching and actually dealing with fleeting black thoughts first thing in the morning - the viciousness of some of the things I was telling myself shocked me)

I'm also in the process of finding a counsellor to talk to, because I think I need it to deal with a pattern of relating to people which I don't understand completely. I've had counselling before and I strongly recommend it for severe depression. I don't see it any differently from taking paracetamol, or taking swimming lessons.

I hope you sleep better tonight and feel more positive tomorrow. I know you'll get lots of great advice here. x

[Greensleeves]

I the very short term you have GOT to break the cycle. I always start with a shower/bath, hair and clothes. It makes me feel more in control straight away, even if I don't think it will. And as soon as you possibly can, go and see your GP. Just blurt it out. They've heard it before.

I am so sorry you are going through this btw. It will get better.

[pixwix]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this - it does sound like depression, and I'm struggling with many of the thoughts/feelings you have at the moment too.

greensleeves That was a brilliant post that had me nodding like a nodding thing!

It's really tough when you feel like this, cos it's all pervasive - it sounds like a trip to your GP might be in order - if it helps, write it down before you go..

Hope you managed some sleep last night x

[DoctorWhoFan]

I'm right there with you at the moment OP. It's rough as hell feeling like it. I only got out if bed about half an hour ago to do last night's washing up before DP gets home from work.

I feel like a complete failure, and a shadow of my former extremely competent self. If my DP wasn't here, I'd be in bed all day and all night. Even though I mostly do all the cooking and cleaning, to all intents and purposes, he's my carer.

Go to your GP as soon as you are able, and start trying some meds to get you stabke. Ask them for something to help you sleep as I know for me, sleep issues are a massive trigger.

I really do hope you start to pick up soon. And if you feel really bad, call the Samaritans. I was going through a really bad episode of mania a few years back and when I thought I literally was losing my mind, I called them, and the guy who answered the phone was completely amazing and talked to me for about 7 hours (with loo and tea breaks) until about 8am when I could start calling my gp surgery. It's probably not an understatement to say I owe him my life, or at the very least my sanity. They are truly amazing people and I highly recommend calling them if you are feeling ghastly.

All the best x