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Can you please share your views with me? PND

(11 Posts)
Mummykindnessrachel Thu 07-Feb-13 14:35:14

Hi there, I'm hoping that someone can help me by sharing their stories with me. I'm researching a new post for my blog The blog is about ways that mums can be kinder to themselves and each other and it is inspired by my own ongoing struggles with PND.

I have a theory that even from as early on as pregnancy, we set expectations that are altogether too high. That detailed birth plans, for example, are setting us up to feel like failures from the moment we give birth . Perhaps strong pressure to breastfeed when it simply may not work for us only serves to make us feel inadequate from the off.

Some mums are lucky enough to be able to roll with the punches, take what is thrown at them and deal with it. I'm not one of them.

I'd really love to hear from fellow PND survivors, or any other mums really, to hear your views on whether you think the way your birth panned out, versus how you hoped it'd go, had a part to play in how confident you felt as a new mum.  I'm wondering if there's anyone else like me who dreamed of beautiful, nurturing experiences of breastfeeding but found the reality to be very different indeed and whose PND started not long afterwards?

My view is that if we were all a bit more realistic with our expectations from the very beginning, we may realise and believe that our worth as a parent is not determined or measured by whether we managed to deliver a baby naturally or breastfeed exclusively for the first year (or countless other factors).

I'd really love your help and thoughts on this! Thank you in advance!!

DuchessFanny Thu 07-Feb-13 14:41:06

I had no idea that you could have PND and still love your baby. Because i was happy with my beautiful new born i thought everything was ok.

BUT i had a horrific labour, and hated breasfeeding, so felt a bit 'wrong' from the off. I also went from a busy very social work to being at home in the house with a baby all day. It got to the point where i didn't bother getting dressed and would beg my husband to come home at lunch time to pick something up from the shops.

I didn't realise i'd had depression until long after i felt better though ! I llok back now and know i wasn't well ..

I have more to tell, but don't want to bore you wink

thewhistler Thu 07-Feb-13 14:41:56

I really wish you well in this. My pgcy was grim, birth grimmer, baby didn't want to feed and then later refused any bottle at all and was in any case subject to a rare condition that hv did nor pick up and scorned me for. Pnd was inevitable and has remained thereafter.

I think realistic expectations and having a good support network of experienced friends and family in RL, as well as MN , would help a lot.

RedBushedT Thu 07-Feb-13 14:50:47

I definitely agree with the unrealistic expectations having a negative knock on effect.
My pregnancy & birth were not at all how I imagined & I felt very sad and like a failure.
I wasn't diagnosed with pnd but with PTSD after a horrendous labour. But it definitely affected how I bonded with dd.

Mummykindnessrachel Thu 07-Feb-13 17:21:14

Thank you for sharing and it's not at all boring!! It's all such a massive shock at the beginning isn't it? What were your expectations of motherhood before you have birth?

Mummykindnessrachel Thu 07-Feb-13 17:21:29


Mummykindnessrachel Thu 07-Feb-13 17:24:02

Ladies sorry my replies are all over the place! Thanks so much for sharing this with me.
I've got another question... What tips or advice would you give your 1st time pregnant self if you could go back in time?

thewhistler Thu 07-Feb-13 17:34:14

That it would be tiring, sleep deprived, but I would feel this rush of love.

I did eventually feel love with the first smile, but bonding was impossible until then. I don't mean that I wouldn't have protected him and I was fond of him, like a puppy, just that I wanted my DSis to look after him as I thought she a better job.

And he screamed constantly. For 6 months. And had reflux for 6 months. And regular v high fevers every 21 days.

And my hv was a cow. Sorry to any hvs, as I have the highest respect for the profession, but she was a bitch who had no time for a first time mum with a sickly baby. And told me the screaming and reflux were my fault and there was nothing I could do about it, and the fevers were my imagination.

Omg it all comes back.

thewhistler Thu 07-Feb-13 17:39:32

Don't have a baby without your own close wise family or friends nearby.

If you get up, have a bath and read a newspaper during the day, that is success. Do not believe anyone who says you have to get dressed.

Get your oh to change the nappies and do night feeds at weekends. He/she will bond with baby more and you will get some rest.

Leave baby with oh at a weekend for about 5 hours so s/he learns how draining it is.

If you cry for nothing after the first few weeks, see the Dr about Pnd/ptsd.

Mylittlepuds Tue 12-Feb-13 11:30:07

Hi Rachel. I've been really enjoying your blog - really liked the last one about how you've been feeling as it sums up how I feel a lot of the time.

Personally I don't think expectations had anything to do with my PND (well post natal anxiety). I think it was/is wholly hormonal and chemical changes as after my periods returned post BFing it would reach fever pitch two weeks before.

I can't really articulate my PNA other than at times feeling very lost and confused and scared about life. That sounds weird doesn't it?

Mylittlepuds Tue 12-Feb-13 11:38:48

Loved the blog about people who pretend about how great motherhood is too. Don't get me wrong - I can be soppy about my son with the best of them. His face is like a little angel's and I wouldn't change a thing about him. But let's be realistic about this. Being home all day with a toddler is enough to drive anyone insane...motherhood isn't perfect. It's hard. For me at least - with the way my mental state has changed - it's been the most challenging thing that's ever happened to me.

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