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My perfect life

(19 Posts)
VikingVagine Mon 04-Feb-13 17:11:54

I had a shitty childhood and all I ever dreamt of was having a "normal" life.

I have a lovely DH, two wonderful children, we live in a house I love, we both have stable jobs and we have everything we could ever possibly need.

I have cut my left arm to shreds and I can't help buy eye up the box of paracetamol.

WTF is wrong with me.

Crawling Mon 04-Feb-13 19:01:30

oh Viking I get exactly how you feel I had a shit childhood and all I ever wanted was to be normal it hits me hard when im down.

Is there anyone in the house you can talk to? Can you phone crisis? Do you want to talk here about Whats upsetting you or how your feeling?

Babybirdz Mon 04-Feb-13 19:29:35

Vicking. I posted on Aibu on something very similar to you just now. Do you feel like you should be happy but can't be. I'f so I know where you're coming from.

VikingVagine Mon 04-Feb-13 19:54:39

I've been to see the dr. Apparently I'm depressed and deserve all kinds of pills to help me sleep and make me feel happier. I hate medicine at the best of times.

I've had a build of events recently that seem to have pushed me over the edge. I just feel so crap because I'm letting my beautiful family down.

I don't want to burden my DH with it all, he doesn't deserve it at a time like this (his DM died on Friday).

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 08:06:42

I was very scared of taking tablets I think its a symtom of the illness but now I take them I cant believe how much better I feel and that I held off so long in taking them.

Why not give them a try? if you really dont like them you can always stop.

VikingVagine Tue 05-Feb-13 08:28:09

That's just it, after looking them up on Internet one of them is very addictive and the other can leave you with long term sexual problems. I can't take them. I just want to curl up in a ball and wait for it to go away.

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 08:40:43

I am aware that there is bad press about them but not everyone gets side effects and not everyone finds it hard to quit may I suggest you read the side effects listed on paracetamol. The reason I suggest this is so you can see that paracetamol has loads of possible side effects but you probably take that fine.

frustratedashell Tue 05-Feb-13 08:42:28

I suffer from depression but I didnt have a bad childhood. So can only sympathise there. You really need to take the anti depressants hun. Was interested to see you said you were told you "deserve" pills. Doesnt sound like you believe you deserve anything. You are not letting your family down. It could be argued that you would only be letting them (and yourself) down if you dont give them a try. Re what you read on the internet, it depends which tablets your talking about. If youre worried about side effects I would go back to the doctor and ask him/her. Your DMIL passing away doesnt help the situation Im sure. Please get help , go back to doctors and/or find a counsellor. Good Luck.
PM me if you like. x

springbanana Tue 05-Feb-13 09:21:31

Viking: I understand that you don't want to take meds. I have gone through all my depressions (and some other things) without (working) medication. First time no med worked (i tried over 40 !) and I was ill for six years. Second time I was pregnant and I did not want to take anything. At the moment hoping for meds, but not sure if I get any. But anyway, one medicine for depression is actually time smile. Going without meds is doable but it can be difficult, and during my six-year-illness I was in hospital five times. I have been ill now for about five months and no meds. It is sometimes really hard.

VikingVagine Tue 05-Feb-13 13:30:08

What sort of things do people do to cope without medication? I know I need to eat a more balanced diet, I should probably try and get out and get some fresh air (I haven't been out for almost two weeks apart from to drop my DCs off at school and even then I couldn't get out of the car), but I don't want to see anybody. I am just lying down with the cat for company. The house is a mess, which is making me feel even worse.

frustratedashell Tue 05-Feb-13 13:56:10

getting out for a walk everyday is good. I know you dont want to see anybody but you have to claw your way out of this. Make yourself go out. Also do one small task in the house everyday.The mess will make things seem worse. If you wont take tablets you will have to be firm with yourself about doing things to help yourself. I know its not easy, Ive been there!

springpotatoe Tue 05-Feb-13 13:57:07

Lot's of little things like cleaning in the evenings together, easy food,. When I was single I just ate youghurts etc. But there was loooooads of biting my tongue and forcing myself to do things. It did not get easier either.
You should think if you can go as you are now for weeks, months or years... A medication could fix you quickly, and you would avoid unnessary suffering. You don't need to take meds for ever either.

NaomiPS Tue 05-Feb-13 14:21:02

Poor you.

I would suggest trying EFT. Its a bit wacky in the sense that it wokrs on the premise that many emotions are stored in your body so it helps to move them out. It involves tapping specific points and usually you use a set-up phrase. However, when you are really in the emotion (whatever it is) I find I simply hold the point, take and breath, hold the next point, breath etc and go through all the points like that. I find it really helpful.

You choice not to take tablets. If you decide to, take tablets you can do that for a short while just to get you going. You don't have to take them forever. If you are really not keen you could look at other things such as herbs like St Johns Wort tincture which is used in Germany to treat depression (watch as i think this has contraindications with the contraceptive pill if you are on that) and diet too is really important. Eat live yoghurt to get some good bacteria going in your stomach (sounds odd but it produces large numbers of immune cells and neurotransmitters).

If you have the energy here are some food bits to think about. Don't get too bogged down, its bascially v little caffine, as little sugar as you can manage and eating whole foods and dark green veg smile

Carbohydrates are obviously very grounding so can calm you (think brown rice rather than cakes!)
For magnesium, go for whole-grain cereals, green vegetables, fresh fruit, and (hurray!) dark chocolate
Selenium - eggs, seafood, nuts, dairy products and poultry
Apparently Calcium is also a “natural tranquilizer and mood-enhancer,” and is found in dairy products, eggs, spinach, almonds and tinned fish
•Vitamin B6 can aid depression. It is present in whole-grain cereals, bananas, fish, green vegetables and lean meat.

You could even get some vitamins too, Fish oil are meant to be good for depression and vitamin B for the nervous system.

I think when you are really in a hole you have to try to be as kind to yourself as possible, take baby steps, and try to have a routine so you don't find yourself still in the dressing gown at 5pm smile

Don't watch the news, or crap daytime TV, try to introduce anything you love into your day. Listen to a song you really love etc etc. And stop judging yourself, you are doing the best you can.

Good luck

ps you can PM me if you want more advice on the EFT part.

VikingVagine Tue 05-Feb-13 16:16:49

Thank you I googled EFT, it is actually something I already do naturally when I'm stressed (tapping my thumb with alternating fingers).

I had to go and pick up the kids from school but could bring myself to get out of the car. The teacher ended up bringing them out to the car park, it was mortifying.

Percephone Tue 05-Feb-13 19:08:58

If negative events in your childhood are still affecting you now have you considered asking your GP about psychotherapy? This might help you understand yourself and your feelings more easily.

VikingVagine Sat 16-Feb-13 10:46:04

Went back to the Dr this morning. He wants me to go into hospital. sad

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sat 16-Feb-13 11:28:03

oh dear. Do you feel suicidal or are too ill to cope at home? Good luck!

VikingVagine Sat 16-Feb-13 18:01:42

I don't understand, I don't feel too bad. I'm having a few issues thinking straight, but I just need a bit more time. The thought of being in hospital terrifies me.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sat 16-Feb-13 18:47:15

ok... Didn't your doctor offer you anything to "straighten" your thoughts? I have odd thoughts (sights) and been described meds against them and send home smile (I know my thoughts are bit odd, so no need for hospital or tell the doctor all of it)

I don't like hospitals but they have been ok, when I felt absolute horrible.

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