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Please help...I feel like I'm sliding again...

(26 Posts)
Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 14:57:53

Last January I was ill and posted on here. The original thread is here
It took a couple of months but I made a recovery and have felt great really for a while. I thought I had pmt the other week but it keeps coming and going over this last week or so. I have a knot in my stomach and I feel like I could burdt into tears at any moment. I just know it's happening again and I dont think I can go through it all again. Every day I think I'll feel better but each day I'm sliding lower. I haven't got dressed today and slept all morning on the sofa. I can't do this again. I can't face the doctor. I can't even tell dh because I know he'll be so disappointed in me.
I had such amazing support on here last time - please tell me to pull myself together before i ruin everything.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 15:55:49

I think I'm just sick of feeling like I have to be the one who everyone turns to, even though i know I cast myself in that role. I am tired and just so worn out. I want to curl in a ball and sleep for days. Why am I so weak? I hate feeling like this but I don't know what to do. I actually plucked up the courage to ring the GP and there is no appointment until 17th February - I know I'll be in the grips of this by then...

MagicBaguette Mon 04-Feb-13 16:10:36

Ohhhh ikea. You sound so much like me.

I'll tell you a bit about my background.

My mother has borderline personality disorder combined with narcissistic personality disorder.

Last January, I was diagnosed with panic attacks, followed by severe anxiety and depression. I was prescribed ADs, but my anxiety was so bad I didn't take them. I was also on the waiting list for CBT and didn't go in the end. Miraculously I managed to recover from these with no medical help.

This was before I found out about my mother's condition. She still will not admit it, and things with her are so often unbearable. I have to come to terms with the physical and emotional abuse whilst still suffering it, and coming to terms with the fact that she cannot love me, never has and never will.

So I have been doing a lot of research on this. I am suffering from complex PTSD. This causes me to sometimes feel exactly how you have described. Not myself, being a failure, letting everyone down, being the one who has to be strong and the support for everyone else, putting others before myself, feeling completely empty and worthless. I have never seen myself as having needs as I have always had to be the emotional caretaker to my mother. I understand the pain of having an emotionally absent and abusive mother.

Please do share more about your relationship with your birth/adoptive mother - I couldn't quite follow on the other thread, sorry!

May help to write it all down as well smile

I have to go out for a little bit now - but I promise I will be back to offer you advice and a shoulder to cry on.

Sending you lots of love and a big warm hug xxx

Unfortunatlyanxious Mon 04-Feb-13 16:21:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unfortunatlyanxious Mon 04-Feb-13 16:29:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 16:31:13

Thank you for replying magic. My birth mother was a teen when she had me and gave me up for adoption. I met her again in my late teens but it was a very on and off relationship and she let me down many times over the next 6 or so years. To be fair to her, her home life was very unstable at the time and I don't think she had the spare emotional strength needed for me. We lost touch on and off over the years until I found my birth father and had a DNA test which was negative so I contacted her to ask about it ( in the nicest way I could) she was furious and told me never to contact her again. That was a few years ago and I haven't.
I grew up with adopted dad and step mum (a parents divorced when I was very young) a mum has earlyish Alzheimer's and I've always had a very difficult relationship with step mum. We get in well now as long as I don't rock the boat and toe the line. I don't have a mum - never have really. I care about all of them in their own way (less about birth mum but then I don't really know her) but I don't feel like I am their daughter - not in the way I see other mums and daughters and I am so jealous! I want to be someone's little girl and I'm not and I won't ever be. I know that sounds pathetic. I am pathetic.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 16:35:52

Thanks UA, I may try for an emergency appointment in the morning. I mentioned to DH before that I feel unwell again and I could see he looked defeated. We've worked so hard to keep me well ( I had telephone counselling, CBT, Ads and he really picked up the slack at home) but none of it has made any difference has it? I'm back to square one. I can't bear the thought that this is my life now. Do you really think my childhood was dreadful? I wonder is I'm just being dramatic sometimes.

MagicBaguette Mon 04-Feb-13 17:38:58

Shhhh you are not pathetic! Far from it.

Think how easy it would be to let these huge huge issues you have had affect the way you treat others. It would be so easy to bury your head in the sand and avoid confronting the problems.

In my opinion, you are a truly amazing mother if you do not want to let your problems affect your relationship with your DH and your children. My mother was abandoned by her father when she was 3. She never saw him again and was never told anything about him. But, instead of wanting to get support for this before having children she chose to ignore it. And it has impacted on me so so much. This is the cause of her personality disorder. I am so angry with her, despite feeling deep sympathy for her.

But she had the choice. She chose to become a horrible wife and mother (not all the time - there have been many times she has acted like my best friend. But then it all goes back to abuse.) and that is truly unforgivable.

So, I have these issues too, just like you and just like our own mothers.

The difference with us is we have been gifted with the STRENGTH that we want this to change. You're right, most of the time we don't feel strong. We have lost our identities. Who will love us if our mothers don't love us? Why would anyone? As a mother yourself you know the overwhelming love you feel for your offspring. Our mothers could not feel that for us. It was not our fault. It wasn't even really theirs, but when it comes down to it, they made their choice.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We are not defective. It is our mothers. It is so so sad and distressing. We will never have a mother who loves us. But we don't NEED one. Look at how well we've done, having never had a mother to look up to and show us the way and admire! You are married with children. You have achieved so much without the strong positive role model of a loving mother. You do need to give yourself a break.

So, plan of action which I think would help you smile It is my current plan of action and is going well, despite many many ups and downs....I feel lots of it will apply to you.

1. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. No one should expect you to be strong all the time. It is simply not possible. So don't expect it of yourself. And if people do expect it....well, they're not worth bothering with.

2. Get to know yourself. What makes you tick? What do you feel strongly about, and what little things to make arguments/issues over can be dropped? This is a big one for me. I've often be so stressed and upset that I feel as
though I'm heading for a breakdown and any little thing will set me off. Take a deep breath, take a step back. The things that I've noticed after a couple of months of doing this that stress me out are triggers of my c-ptsd. Reassure yourself. You need a kind voice in your head - your inner voice. Your inner voice is not there to critisize you. It is there to support you.

3. Sometimes it will feel overwhelming. Very often, in fact. Let yourself open up to these feelings. Trust yourself - your body knows you best. If you feel tired, like you need a sleep, let yourself have a nap for an hour if you can. But don't let yourself lie in bed all day - I know this can be very difficult!! Take yourself for a short walk every day if you can. Fresh air will help clear your head and keep your spirits a bit higher. If you just want to cry hysterically - that's ok too! This is also important for me. It will eventually pass, even though at the time it feels like the world is ending.

4. Let yourself feel emotions. No emotion is wrong - if you feel it you feel it, and no one can argue with that. I can tell from the way you write that you are giving yourself lots of labels which are not true, based on how you feel. You think feeling these things makes you pathetic, a disappointment etc etc. Self image is very important.

5. Share how you feel with your DH. Maybe write it down and give it to him if it is too difficult to speak out loud - I find I often clam up with DP! It feels weird for someone to be listening to me and my feelings for once, and genuinely caring. But you deserve to be listened to. But, don't expect him to be your sole support. You need to explain to him more how this impacts your relationship than you personally. such as the way it makes you feel, but how this will apply to your home life and your ability to function. Your issues are for you to solve with a counsellor.

6. Love yourself. By far the hardest one! I am definitely nowhere near here yet. But each day is a new day, and a step towards finding happiness.

So, try and make a GP appointment for sooner if you can - maybe phone each day to see if there are any cancellations? Explain how you feel.

You will benefit hugely from counselling. Ask the GP to give you the numbers of some good ones who can help you. I have my first appointment tomorrow (eek!) and I'm quite nervous but trying to be positive about it. They are there because they want to help you. You should let them.

I hope I have helped even if it is just a tiny bit. This has been very long!!

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 18:12:48

Thank you so much for taking so much time and effort in your response. I will certainly take each of the points you made and create my plan of action - I do like to have a plan!!
I am not so bad as last time (yet) that I can't see the wood for the trees - I know my thoughts patterns are skewed but it's so hard to self - correct. With regards to counselling - my area only offer CBT and whilst the counsellor was lovely - I felt he was a little bit ineffectual. I know that I want to explore my past - not to dwell but help me move on and CBT was more about the here and now and I couldn't explain myself properly because there aren't massive issues in the here and now (if that makes sense). Well, there are some but I don't feel like they necessarily are insurmountable.
DH is frightened because, as he said, he felt he barely coped last time ( I think he was amazing but I do understand what he means). I explained I don't feel quite as bad but that I can feel it worsening and want to head it off before we get to that stage. He agrees. I will try to get to the doctor as soon as I can but I know the ads will make me feel worse for a few days before they make me feel better and I'm dreading it. Dread. I hate that feeling and it's in the pit of my stomach all the time at the moment.

Unfortunatlyanxious Mon 04-Feb-13 18:18:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 18:52:30

I loved my grandma so much and it's funny you should mention her as my closest friend lost her grandma this week after a knowing for a few weeks that she was dying - she hung on and on, just like my grandma did. Maybe this is why I am feeling like this? I've been thinking and talking about my grandma quite a lot these last coue I weeks because of the situation with my friend.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 20:19:52

I've come to bed for a little while. The baby is in bed and the two bigger ones will go soon but I just felt so overloaded. DH is downstairs with them. I think I might just stay here for the night, I really feel like I need sleep. At least I am still eating and sleeping, last time could barely do either. I wish I didn't feel so sad.

Unfortunatlyanxious Mon 04-Feb-13 20:43:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ikeatears Mon 04-Feb-13 20:49:26

Thanks, no crying, i think I'm scared to open the floodgates. Kids are all in bed now. DH working in the kitchen - said if he's finished before ten and I'm still awake to come and tell me and I'll maybe get up for an hour just to spend some time with him. He really is my rock. I have work in the morning and I'm not prepared which isn't helping my anxiety levels but I'll manage I'm sure. My oldest is almost 11 so not too difficult. It's the baby (well, toddler really) who requires the most energy. I feel like I let them all down so much last time, I'm determined not to do the same again but it's so hard when you feel like you're wading through treacle. I'm so angry with myself that I am sinking again.

Ikeatears Tue 05-Feb-13 07:49:43

Awful night. Rubbish sleep. Feel sick. Cried this morning. I'm so scared..

Ikeatears Tue 05-Feb-13 09:54:13

Sorry, I know I'm talking to myself but writing it down seems to help a bit. Got docs appointment for 9.30 tomorrow - managed to get emergency appointment. Should have worked this morning but learner cancelled. I'm glad in a way but at least my mind would have been occupied. So tired. Just want to go back to bed but I know I can't. I hate this. I can't believe I'm failing again.

MagicBaguette Tue 05-Feb-13 11:50:21

You're not failing ikea. It sounds rubbish/unbelievable to hear but I know you will be ok in the end. It's just getting back to normal is a big struggle.

I'm glad you've got the appointment for tomorrow. That will help get you up and out, and is a massive step in the right direction.

People will tell you to 'stay strong' but I'm not going to. You don't have to stay strong. It is ok to feel the way you do, and it does not mean you are weak or a failure.

Ikeatears Tue 05-Feb-13 12:00:47

Oh magic, I am so sad. So sad that I am not the wife my husband deserves or the mummy my boys need. I can't be the daughter my parents want because I am not that person. I am no-one. From nowhere. I have no roots and no solid ground to fall back onto. I know I sound so self-pitying and pathetic and maybe I am. But that's how I feel.

MagicBaguette Tue 05-Feb-13 12:08:23

Fair enough if you feel that way. It is not wrong to FEEL like that.

But unfortunately I am going to have to disagree with you there. I think you are wrong. Nothing you have posted has even given me the slightest impression you are self pitying and pathetic.

Ikeatears Tue 05-Feb-13 12:16:08

I think that's how DH sees me

MagicBaguette Tue 05-Feb-13 12:21:58

Why do you think that?

Ikeatears Tue 05-Feb-13 12:36:22

Because he looks at me like I should pull myself together and he doesn't want to discuss it. He didn't sign up for this. I am not the strong woman he married. I am just a shell of that person. I don't think he loves me enough for this to not damage us. I don't blame him.

Unfortunatlyanxious Tue 05-Feb-13 17:40:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicBaguette Thu 07-Feb-13 12:07:41

How are you doing now ikea?

Ikeatears Thu 07-Feb-13 13:56:16

Sorry not been back. Sleep is so disrupted. Dh been away with work last night but thankfully back tonight. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack at any moment. Have cried a few times today but not overwhelming sobs like last time.
Saw dr yesterday and she prescribed ads but I can't take them until weekend because I know how the side effects made me last time for the first few days and I have to work and I have to look after the children.
I have also ask for a referral to the counsellor at the surgery. I don't want this to be forever - up and down, up and down. I want to be able to move on and be truly happy and content.
I told my friend yesterday that I felt ill again ( I only told a couple of people about the last time) and she was lovely and said she'd suspected but that she knows I will face it head on and help myself to her well and she also gave me a massive hug. I wish I had as much faith in myself as she does.

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