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my difficult personal life, work, teaching and my possible personality disorder. (long sorry)

(19 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sat 02-Feb-13 16:54:21

I did my PGCE about 6 years ago. I really wanted to get on the course. At the beginning of the course a male friend shagged and left me which made me go on a major downer. I started to question if teaching was my thing. This meant that I wasn't able to shine at my course.I compared myself to my sister who ius a doctor.
Whilst on school placements I found that I was really bad at workplace politics. I found other young women particularly difficult; like they were competing or something. There was one woomen who reallly didn't like me and I felt that she was always picking holes in me; trouble is she was good friends with management so there wasn't anything I could really do. We shared a class and I think the kids felt loyal to her and that I was a wannabee which didn't help. She left me in the classroom alone with 3 violent girls (which she wasn't really allowed to do as I was only a trainee) and I got the wrap for it. I spelt one word wrong and she got really on her high horse about it and told management.
On my next placement I had similar problems with a woman. By this time I had had enough really and refused to do one piece of work for my university placement (crazy I know but there you go). As a result management clamped down and micromanaged the fuck out of me. I was getting 4 hours of sleep per night. I did pass and got a job off shore.
I didn't really want to live offshore as I wanted to stay in the same town as my (shitty) bf. However, I grew to love my new home and job. My colleagues were greata nd the social scene was fantastic. However, a month in I fell pregnant. I think I really wanted to. It was madness as the circumstances were bonkers; dds dad and i had only been together for 6 months. He wanted to abour but I kept her. I was hurt but happy because of dd. Management knew my circumstances and things were ok until I heard about some cyber bullying that some studenst had perptrated against me whereby some students said that they would kill by baby with a rugby ball among other insults. I went mental and fell out with management. The press published the story (not my idea) and i felt like the whole situation got out of hand. I had no idea what I wa sdoing really and wrote something inflammitary about managemnet on the TES website. Management found out and i got a ticking off. Needless to say I didn't pass. However, looking back I can't believe I created so much drama! I really don't think I can have been very well.
I don't seem to be able to handle other people well at work at all. I was badly bullied at school and it seems to happen in the workplace too. My mum was alos badly bullied at work and she had bipolar. I have been hospitalised for hypomania before. I have had one breakdown at university. All in all I don't feel 'normal'. I have lots of lovely friends but no partner which makes me sad.
I now work as a learning support assistant and i am hoping to go back and do my NQT yaer but I am scared of messing up again. So am I actually fit to be a teacher? Why am I finding the politics so hard? Why am I so shit with people. I have noticed I am better at rising above any shitty comments at work but I do feel on the bottom of the ladder as a TA, I have lost confidence. Am I a drama queen, ill, a victim or all three? Were my former employers right or was I treated like shit?

superstarheartbreaker Sat 02-Feb-13 17:06:24

I would like to add that at school I was the perfect swotty student; unpopulatr but no drama at all really. The bullying got to me but I just shut it all in.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 03-Feb-13 13:28:31

Anyone? I'm thinking a personality disorder; bpd or even npd. One thing's for sure; my reaction to life's events are a little strange/dramatic.

dontrunwithscissors Sun 03-Feb-13 13:31:35

From what I can understand, your reactions sound fairly normal. Sorry I can't be of much more use, but think you had a pretty good reason to be upset.

Illustrated Sun 03-Feb-13 15:52:43

I'm sorry you had a crappy time. I don't know anything about npd but as someone who has bpd I can say that its a really difficult thing to diagnose and you really cant even come close to guessing if someone has it over a post on the internet.

You had a stressful time that was out of your control, I would say your reactions were quite normal. If you feel there's more to it then I would advise a trip to your gp. It sounds like it would help to talk some things through whether you've got a personality disorder or not.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 03-Feb-13 18:33:33

Thanks for your kind replies. In my early 20s I was in an abusive relationship and ended up on a psychiatric ward for a month. Hypomania diagnosed. I do think that whilst my reactions are normal, my ability to get myself into such complicated circumstances in the first place is NOT normal; I think I might have a kind of victime mentality. My late mum was bipolar and used to get violent with me. It messed me up a bit.

PotteringAlong Sun 03-Feb-13 18:33:58

Looking at this purely from a career point of view, if you failed your NQT year you are not allowed to resit it. If you want to challenge he that I would contact whichever union you were on for a bit of advice.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 03-Feb-13 20:48:52

I can resit it as I did it offshore. I am lucky in this respect.

ReallyTired Sun 03-Feb-13 22:19:38

Having a teaching qualification opens up jobs outside schools. Schools are desperately stressful and bitchy places. Biopolar is a life long condition and possibly there are better job opportunities for you than working in a school. (Please don't get me wrong, I am not trying to discrimitory)

For example I have a friend who has a job working in a prison. She tells me the inmates are far better behaved than school children. Or prehaps you could consider working in further education or some other kind of training. Prehaps you could do private tutoring.

Is your PGCE in the early years? Nurseries are now being expected to recruit nursery teachers/ degree level early years professionals.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 09:31:31

Hi all. No I am secondary school trained. The thing is I love the kids; it's the other members of staff who can be mean...and who should know better!

ReallyTired Mon 04-Feb-13 09:36:28

"The thing is I love the kids; it's the other members of staff who can be mean...and who should know better! "

Yes, I know what you mean. I used to do ICT support and some teachers can be incredibly arrogant and rude. What is your subject? Would you be happiest doing private tutoring.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 12:47:17

Hi there, my current role is tutoring small groups but i do really miss teaching large classrooms. That's my passion but I just need to learn how to deal with adults. I just feel that some of the situations I have engineered for myself are NOT normal:
*Shagging a male friend at beginning of course and getting heratbroken when he didn't want to take it further,
*Refusing to do a key piece of coursework for my PGCE and getting into trouble/bullied because of it.
*When on course betaing myself for not having done medicine like my dsis/doubting my path.
*Not being able to fit with/get on with staff /negotiate office politics.
* Staying with an idiot bf due to loneliness/desperation to start a family.
* Getting pregnant one month into offshore job with idiot bf despite the facty we didn't live together/he was being a twat.
*Hoping the baby would repair the relationship.
*Completely messing up my NQT year to do with the drama surrounding my pregnancy/cyber bullying.

No wonder my poor parents were tearing their hair out. I mean you couldn't make this shit up. I do feel like I court drama and have a wierd need for attention.I think the pressure of the teacher training may have made my disorder fair up.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 12:48:05

I forgot to add that my subject is English.

HandbagCrab Mon 04-Feb-13 12:55:58

Op, I'm a teacher. Unfortunately teaching is bitchy and stressful. The nature of the job allows bullying to go unchecked between pupils, colleagues and management. It isn't a choice of career I would recommend to someone who has mental health issues as you have to be 100% to deal with everything that is flung at you.

All the things you've listed could have happened to anyone, lots of people make relationship choices that don't come from a positive place. I think the fact that you are listing them is interesting though. Can you go to your gp and get on a waiting list for counselling? You could ring the teacher support network (google for phone number) and speak to a counsellor right away (I don't know how much they help people who arent currently teaching but might be worth a shot). Best of luck smile

ReallyTired Mon 04-Feb-13 13:00:28

Some people just need longer to grow up. I think that there is a lot of truth that "Youth is wasted on the young!" I don't think what you describe is a personality disorder. We all make mistakes in life.

Not being able to fit with/get on with staff /negotiate office politics.

There are ways that you can improve your social skills/ theory of mind. Learning assertiveness skills and how to recongise facial expressions can help.

This is a really interesting book.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 18:16:07

I don't think slagging management on TES was very normal tbh. Needless to say I got found out. I was a mess tbh.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 18:16:39

Thanks for your help though.

HandbagCrab Mon 04-Feb-13 18:37:24

Slagging management on tes is ill advised, yes, but you're not the first to do so and won't be the last. Most people try to keep things anonymous though smile

You do seem to be in a bit of a pit of self blame. Are you wanting to stay there a bit longer and nurse your wounds or try to move on? Either is fine btw, it's your life.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 04-Feb-13 19:32:29

I think move on...i am doing better at this new job.

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