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what do you do when you have no voice...

(15 Posts)
muddleup Mon 21-Jan-13 11:50:50

or the voice you have isnt heard?

I'm not very good at trying to say whats in my head and it gets muddled.
I try and be honest about whats in my head to my cpn and psychiatrist but I think I get it wrong.

I dont want to live but am told I always say that, so does that mean I wont do it? or are they trying to make me do it? or do they just not believe how I feel?

My head feels like spaghetti junction but with only one exit.
My prescription was right for once last week and when the pharmacist handed it me I thought it was him telling me it was ok to not be here anymore, that I could just go take them all.
I told the psychiatrist this and she said to look at the positives in that i didnt have to wait for them to phone GP and get it fixed like they normally do, but I dont see that.

I dont even know what I'm trying to say here or if there is any point in anything anymore

snowbanana Mon 21-Jan-13 13:10:34

Maybe your cpn and psychiatrist think you have suicidal ideliasation, where you think of dying a lot, but you are not going to do it. But thinking of death tells them that you are not ok.

NanaNina Mon 21-Jan-13 13:12:27

So sorry you are having such a bad time. Do you know what you diagnosis is exactly. I suffer from severe intermittent depression and at those time my head is full of suicidal thoughts and friends say I am always like this at bad times. The professionals treating you are certainly not trying to make you end your life - you must try to believe that. I think it's hard for anyone who hasn't experienced mental health problems to really understand how someone is feeling, but that doesn't mean that they don't believe how you are feeling.

The pharmacist was certainly not "telling you it was ok to overdose" - can you believe that, cus it's really important that you do. I don't think the psychiatrist was very sensitive but I think she was just trying to point out the positives, but i can imagine that you don't understand why she said this.

Have you ever been an inpatient? Do you have visits from a CPN or someone else from the Community Mental Health Team. Do you live alone - have you anyone in RL to support you.

Take care and you MUST remember to take your meds because I'm sure these are to help you think a little more clearly and then you won't feel so muddled.

NanaNina Mon 21-Jan-13 13:15:28

Yes agree with Snowbanana - a lot of people with mental health problems (including myself) have suicide ideation - which means that you think about it a lot but won't actually try to end you life. It isn't so much that you want to die, it's more you just don't want to be here anymore because of the emotional pain you are suffering.

baremadness Mon 21-Jan-13 13:18:08

There is always more than 1 exit. Sometimes they are hidden but in the end they lead to much more positive routes. They are telling you you need to look for an alternative not just the quickest way out. Let them help and guide you.

The exit you are looking at is permanent. You cant change your mind when it is done so try ALL of the alternatives first. Even the ones that havent made themseves known yet.

Good luck muddle. Know that even strangers care about you.

NanaNina Mon 21-Jan-13 16:38:54

Brill post baremadness - I once read that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" - very true and I think that you pass the pain on to your loved ones who may never really get over the grief, becuase suicide (unlikely "ordinary" death) leaves loved ones feeling guilty and asking themselves over and over why this happened, and sometimes fall into a deep depression themselves.

muddleup Mon 21-Jan-13 21:19:47

Nananina I have BPD, chronic depression, compulsive thoughts and insomnia.
I have a CPN who can be ok sometimes, othertimes not so good, or at least thats how it feels.
My psychologist has been off sick for 4 months and there is no date yet for her return yet.
I have had inpatient treatment 5 times, last time was 6 years ago.
I live with my 3 children although right now I dont know if they would care if I lived or not.
I have a couple of rl friends but I'm pushing them away, pushing everyone away because in my head if I do that it wont be as bad for them all when im not here. The crisis team were phoning me daily up until last Friday when i told them they didnt need to phone as everything was fine, I was fine, and they accepted that, so I guess I cant be that ill.

I take my meds but not sure how much help it is.
Everything seems pointless, I want out, and everytime I work it out something happens and I have to stay sad

baremadness Tue 22-Jan-13 07:56:35

You have 3 kids. They can be annoying. Ungrateful. Little shits at times. But I can promise you they would care if you werent here. You do have to stay for them.

Your crisis team may believe you because you are hiding yourself from them. Open up and be honest.

muddleup Tue 22-Jan-13 08:33:41

I tried the being honest with how I feel or at least i thought i had but it doesnt work, I'm just left feeling worse, feeling like they dont hear.
Maybe I dont use the right words, maybe I say it wrong, I dont know sad

baremadness Tue 22-Jan-13 09:54:44

We are hearing. We are listening. You can make people listen. Please lovely, please try again.

NanaNina Tue 22-Jan-13 13:54:59

Do you mean that the Drs and CPNS don't understand you or posters on here. I honestly don't think anyone can truly understand another person's mental health problems, because they are all different, and only the person suffering knows how it feels. It isn't anything to you with not using the right words, you can only say how it feels for you.

You have a very heavy load to carry muddleup with various types of mental illness and 3 children to care for - I think you are brilliant for coping with all of this. Seems like you are a single parent too? How old are the children?

Please come back and let us know how you are........we're here for you.

muddleup Tue 22-Jan-13 23:42:38

The Dr's and CPN, although I dont know if its they dont understand me, I think I dont explain it right, my talking skills aren't very good.
When I do manage to say something it doesnt seem to make any difference.
I know they cant wave a magic wand and make everything ok, I get that bit, but sometimes it feels like they dismiss how I'm feeling or what I say.
Yesterday going to my appointment I had to pass scaffolding on the buildings, I watched for the one that was the highest, that had the furthest drop, that would cause the most damage, then which bus stop was closest to it.
I told the psychiatrist this but I dont know how much she heard.

Yes I'm a single parent, my children are 12, 14 and 18.

It doesnt really matter how I feel anymore, I'm losing it over everything, I cant seem to get anything right.
I miss my psychologist, she was the only one out of them all that really knew me, really listened and didnt make me feel like I was wasting her time, but I dont know when she will be back.

The only yhting I know is that I dont want to be here, I dont want to live, to keep breathing, it all hurts too much. I am disapointed that I'm still here, I know it will hurt my kids, I dont want them to be hurt but while I'm here I'm damaging them even more sad

atallskinnylatte Wed 23-Jan-13 00:06:59

muddleup, so sorry you are feeling this way. It is a horrible feeling when you feel you are not heard and respected like an adult human being. There are people who genuinely want to help. I don't believe you are damaging your children more by being here.
Are you doing anything nice, just for you, to help yourself feel better?
The thoughts with regards to the scaffolding are a symptom of depression and i do believe sometimes you have to learn to dismiss your own thoughts, recognise them and let them go. Im not sure im helping, but want you to know, as im sure you logically know.. you are not alone.. keep talking.. can you think of anything positive? how strong you are coping with the demands and responsibilities of being a single parent is something you should be proud of.

PariahHairy Wed 23-Jan-13 00:44:30

I do understand what you mean muddledup, I remember once my Mum said to me "why do you repeat everything you say" I realised it's because I assume no-one is listening.

I find people don't really take me seriously, even when I was a child or teenager, I could be very upset and I'd just be having a paddy or whatever, not actually genuinely upset, not allowed actual feelings sad.

I probably need to go to the GP again, but even he is very dismissive, it's all very yeah yeah here are some anti-d's fuck off and don't bother me. Doing the depression questionnaire thing, he phrases it like "You are not having suicidal thoughts are you?". Instead of "Do you have any thoughts of suicide?". With a definite expectation of receiving a no answer, along with the immediate "Are you managing to look after your children?" question soon after admitting you are depressed, it sets a certain tone. You don't matter, as along as you do what is required you can suffer in silence, have some brain numbing medication.

Tbh I have been in a very bad state, nobody cared, I think it would actually take me jumping off something high for anyone to notice.

muddleup Fri 25-Jan-13 15:24:51

I think you have put into words what I have never managed to do.
When I was younger and at boarding school I was anorexic, but the Housemaster told me to get a grip and start eating, there was no reason for me to not be eating, no one asked why it happened, I was just attention seeking.

I feel really yucky today, I', struggling to breath normally, am panicking over everything.
It feels pointless me being here, I know I'm supposed to be here but dont know why.

It does feel like they dont believe me when I say I dont want to live, it feels like they are testing me, that I have to prove them wrong and show them I dont want to be here if that makes sense

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