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When suicide is the only positive.

(89 Posts)
ThisKikiIsMarvellous Thu 17-Jan-13 00:23:32

New username because I don't want to be identified right now.
Don't want to be me, if I'm quite honest.

I just want to die. There are no negatives to me dying, only positives. I have no reasons to live.

I have such severe social phobia/anxiety that I can't step foot outside/use the phone/be even slightly normal. I am a drain and a waste of space.

Self harmed for so long it feels completely normal, tried it tonight but it's not enough.

Surely there comes a time when you're so useless and pointless that suicide is genuinely better for everyone?

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 15:07:45

Thank you both for asking.

Last night wasn't exactly great; everything always feels worse at night, doesn't it? I'm not a very good sleeper, it's always either too little or too much. Couldn't stop crying for most of the night, then kept going back to SH. I normally have a feeling of "that's enough" when I've SH'ed, but that just didn't happen last night.

Just feel horribly low now. Sorry for whining so much.

Kormachameleon Tue 29-Jan-13 15:15:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tobermory Tue 29-Jan-13 15:20:54

Kiki, just found your thread and wanted to say 'hi'. It sounds like life is hard for you right now but it's good that you are posting.

I can relate to some of what you are describing though not all. But I do understand how bleak things can seem, how it feels to feel despair, fear and miserable.

How is your day so far?

GooseyLoosey Tue 29-Jan-13 15:28:37

Nights can be terrible. I have a large aray of audio books that I listen to a night just to stop me thinking about things. Have you tried anything to distract you at night?

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 16:36:21

Thank you all for replying.

Korma, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't have any friends, and very few family, none of whom I'm particularly close to, but I do take your point.

My day could be better. I just don't have the energy to do anything. I've exercised, though I need to do more. I have this really intense feeling of dread, and I can't shift it. All I keep hearing in my head is how pointless this all is.

I'm a bit rubbish at distraction. I have a really short attention span and struggle to concentrate. Normally I watch short programmes, or play online games. Because so many of the thoughts I have are intrusive, I don't really know how to tune them out. I know this sounds bad, but SH is probably the main thing that helps, so I do it daily.

Middy86 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Tue 29-Jan-13 23:25:18

I'm sorry you feel this way too Middy. It's awful, and I hate to think of other people suffering.

I wish there was some way I could just stop everything. I feel so empty it physically hurts. The only time I'm not feeling completely drained and empty, is because I'm either panicking about something or feeling so sad I can't breathe. There truly is no point to any of this.

Bakingnovice Tue 29-Jan-13 23:50:26

Kiki there is a point to it all. The point is you. Your life. Your future. Please stay and fight for you. No one else can do that for you. You owe it to yourself.

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 00:06:38

ThisKiki, there must be another type of medication that will work better for you. I know how you feel about meds, I was exactly the same until I was well again. Looking back, my paranoia about meds was part of my mental health problem.

It doesn't always have to be like this. I'm sorry you feel you have lost all hope, but you need to know that this is how you feel, it's not how the world really is.

I nearly killed myself about 15 years ago. I truly believed things couldn't get better. I truly believed that people who knew me would be better off without me and that they didn't love me anyway - which is not true. At one point, I could not see myself ever leaving the house.

Now I feel shit if I CAN'T leave the house and get a bit of fresh air. I have a gorgeous ds and I am studying at uni. I would never have believed I could have a normal life.

ThisKiki, please, take my word for it, how you describe yourself - it's not true. Your illness is making you see things in a certain way. I don't want you to feel any pressure by telling you the positive traits I can pick up about you. But just know that no-one is totally worthless, no-one is totally perfect. You are just like us, with a mix of appealing and not so appealing traits. You are not that special, that you are completely worthless are you? I'm sure even Hitler had his good points! On that note, there are people out there that have done terrible things to others. Some of them may also have mental health problems. At least you don't take it out on other people. Can you at least see that as a good point?

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Wed 30-Jan-13 00:29:27

Thank you both. I'm sorry, I'm just being pathetic and whiny.

It is good that I wouldn't take it out on another person physically. I'm pretty sure I do emotionally though. That could easily be part of why all the MH professionals I've seen have dropped me.

Maybe there is a different med that would work better. I've tried a few, but by no means all of them. I can't bear the thought of having to be on a cocktail of medication just to feel 'normal'. It's too fake.

I just don't think I'm worth the effort. This has just gone on for too long and I am fundamentally useless now. I'm never going to have a decent job because no-one is going to hire someone who's been out of work for so long without a good reason. Even if there was some way to be completely mentally healthy, I'm still going to be me, and the future is still going to be empty because of how long I've been this way.

I'm sorry for being such an insufferable whinge-bag. Trust me, I know how difficult and ridiculous I sound. Please don't feel like you have to tolerate me when I'm being this annoying.

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 11:00:14

Ok, I'm going to be completely honest. None of what I'm about to say is designed to make you feel better, I'm just going to give you my honest opinion.

I don't think you're being pathetic and whiny. I wouldn't be here if you were, I hate pathetic and whiny. There's a difference between that, and someone actually suffering and sharing that. And even if you were being pathetic and whiny then so what? I am pathetic and whiny every month with PMT!

Yes, you probably are a bit of an emotional drain. I know I was when I wasn't well, especially with my dp at the time. So? Plenty of people are emotionally draining, even without mental health problems. My best friend can be totally emotionally draining and drives me nuts sometimes but I still love her to bits. It doesn't make sense that MH professionals would drop you for that reason, it's their JOB to handle emotionally draining people!

I've been on ADs for years and in no way do I feel fake. I feel like myself. I felt abnormal when I wasn't taking them. It's an illness and I have a responsibility to myself to take medication for it. I forget about it most of the time tbh. People do all sorts of things because they want to be happier. Some people drink every night, some people take recreational drugs, some weight lift until their muscles are huge, some people eat all the time, some clean obsessively. You're on meds anyway, what would be the difference, may as well take some that work. However, I know this is a delicate subject and we do need to be very careful with ADs as it can be difficult to monitor how you are going to react. I just think that, because you said you were happy with the meds you were on, I should point out that if you're feeling the way you do, to the point where suicide seems to be the only option, then I would doubt they are actually working for you?

I'm never going to have a decent job because no-one is going to hire someone who's been out of work for so long without a good reason. Not true at all! There are plenty of people who have been out of work for years for so many reasons! You only need to get one job, any job, to start working again to become employable again. I don't mean get a job now, I'm just trying to show you that at the moment, you have a warped view of the world, that just isn't accurate. It's better than how you see it.

Anyway, you need to take one step at a time, and getting a job is too many steps away. Don't worry so much about the future. Everything you do now can build towards a brighter future. Even if it's walking through the park the next time you go to the docs and sitting on the bench for a while. Or coming on MN to offload. Or writing a message on mn without checking it and pressing send (like many of us do)! Then cringe at what you've written and realise it's not the end of the world. Every little step you take, you will be rewarded, I don't know how but the universe just works like that.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Wed 30-Jan-13 15:10:35

Thank you for your honesty. I know I'm a drain, and in a way, it's helpful to have others confirm it. So often people lie and say that I'm not.

I would change ADs. I'm wary of changing simply because of the side effects. I just don't want to go down the route of taking another augmentative med, because it never stops at just one. There is another reason that I don't want to take more meds, paranoia-related.

I try not to worry about the future, but I'm not very good at it. It feels very heavy and bleak, and it tends to creep into my thoughts. I know I need to work on ignoring it.

whethergirl Wed 30-Jan-13 23:38:07

Some people might just not find you emotionally draining. And even if they do, and lie about it, it's probably because they care about you.

I was also very paranoid about taking AD's but it was only after taking them I realised the paranoia was very much of my illness.

We all worry about the future. It's natural. However, as well as worry, it's usually mixed with some hope. Others have been in your shoes and then carried on to have happier, functional lives. That is something you can hope for. It's not impossible even though it might just feel it right now.

whethergirl Thu 31-Jan-13 12:58:10

How you feeling today ThisKikiIsMarvellous? Be honest, I'm expecting that it's probably not great! How is your day going?

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