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When suicide is the only positive.

(89 Posts)
ThisKikiIsMarvellous Thu 17-Jan-13 00:23:32

New username because I don't want to be identified right now.
Don't want to be me, if I'm quite honest.

I just want to die. There are no negatives to me dying, only positives. I have no reasons to live.

I have such severe social phobia/anxiety that I can't step foot outside/use the phone/be even slightly normal. I am a drain and a waste of space.

Self harmed for so long it feels completely normal, tried it tonight but it's not enough.

Surely there comes a time when you're so useless and pointless that suicide is genuinely better for everyone?

cafecito Thu 17-Jan-13 02:41:09

ThisKiki please do not apologise. If people didn't want to post, then they wouldn't- they would click another button or shut off their computer.

I have to go in a second but I wanted to say, I've been where you are now- I know how shit and isolating and impossibly cage like and dark it is. I attempted suicide once (age 13 I think) and again a year ago, when I left my job, I very nearly actually did it- had the whole plan, everything- it's always something I've got tucked up my sleeve like a little security blanket. I cound't tell anyone, but I ended up calling the samaritans that day, when I was teetering on the platform edge quite literally - and just speaking to the woman on the phone, just talking, just letting out some of it- really was a release. I now have counselling and she doesn't do anything really or challenge anything that directly but what it does provide is ''containment'' for all my intensely negative, depressed, suicidal, feelings. Having that hour to just spill this stuff out, even if it's nonsense- is so helpful.

I was on antidepressants as a teenager, I'm not now. I did see a few psychiatrists when I was growing up for depression and anxiety but I don't now. I am the same age as you, but my life has turned a little corner and bit by bit, even though I still feel pretty damn awfully low 90% of the time, well, there are bits, little slithers of light, where I can say 'yes that day was an okay day because x happened and if I had stayed in all day and avoided the world then x wouldn't have happened'

I still never call anyone - which is odd as I would seem a very outgoing person I guess, and is odd because I had to call people at work etc- but now, never ever call anyone. I can't bear it.

but what gets me through is thinking, yes, I feel like crap, yes I think I'm a waste of oxygen, yes I hate myself and yes people would be better off if I were dead (my mother even told me so! a few times! now she has issues) but that just seems to make me think, okay so I am a waste of space not worthy of existence- what can I do to compensate for that? so for me anyway, my suicidal tendencies have actually propelled me into a need to make my mark in a positive way in this lifetime. I'm very aware of my mortality and therefore, I want to make this life count for something I want to help someone, I want to achieve something.

I don't know if that makes any sense *sleep deprived ramblings but I wanted to say- were here holding your hand. Many of us have walked that horrific, long long path- but I am SO glad today I did not take the actions I considered on those days. So glad.

Also, you say you feel not worthy/guilty etc- I suffer from apologising all the time for my existence, feeling guilty all the time- my counsellor challenged why I would always apologise for taking up an appointment slot someone more deserving could have had- and it all boiled down to me being made to feel I had to apologise for existing since before I was born (my father died, my family had issues with me existing) and then subsequent to that, carrying irrational guilt about people dying throughout my life.

Sounds crazy but once I was able to see why I feel the way I feel (which was only a few months ago that we had this conversation) my behaviour kinda makes more sense to me, so I am less consumed by my dark feelings, and I can step back and say 'ah yes I'm feeling like this because of that' which is the first step to then challenging that.

cafecito Thu 17-Jan-13 02:52:44

suicide is just NEVER the answer, I promise you. No matter what faith, religion, lack thereof, you hold- it is never ever ever the answer. I really mean that. Please ask your GP, or anyone at all, for help if you feel unsafe. Please. You could even call the samaritans and just ask them to stay on the line because you find it hard to talk and then just saw a few words- see if it helps. I always find writing helps me- moving it from head to page, is extremely cathartic. You say a diary can be triggering but you write extremely well so I imagine it would provide some release for you as well. Please keep on posting and don't be sorry smile

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Thu 17-Jan-13 03:10:05

Thank you cafecito

Your story struck so many chords with me, and I'm so very sorry you've felt this way too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

You sound incredibly strong. People keep saying that I am strong, but I don't see it. The only reason I'm alive is because I haven't done it right. I've tried to kill myself before, and never succeeded.

I will be seeing my GP early February, and the OT a week after that. I do plan on telling my GP that I don't feel safe, but she usually tells me to tell the OT how I feel. I don't trust the OT, so that never really happens. I always say that I'll try harder to do it, but I can't bring myself to talk to the OT about self-harm/suicidal ideation.

I keep trying with the diary. I never re-read it, as I know that is a trigger, but I do try to write in one. I just struggle because I find it upsetting to do so. I have persevered with it in the hopes it will become easier, but it hasn't. I still find it upsetting/triggering, and I keep trying anyway. I don't know what else I can do.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I feel utterly ridiculous for using up everyone's time, and I am truly sorry for it. I hate feeling this desperate and I just wish I had something to do to tackle it.

AgentFelix Thu 17-Jan-13 04:24:53

Have you thought about doing different types of writing kiki?

If writing down your thoughts upsets you, and I'm the same, then what about using your writing skills to accomplish something else? A novel or a user-guide for something maybe, depending on whether you're imaginative or logical.

If that's a ridiculous idea for where you are at the moment I apologise. I've read your posts and feel truly humbled by your articulate words, your sensitivity towards other people and your impeccable manners. I would love to take away your feelings of being undeserving.

Bakingnovice Thu 17-Jan-13 08:47:22

Kiki I don't want to sound presumptuous but it sounds like there are some very deep rooted issues which maybe stem from your childhood. Maybe if you were able to discuss these issues it might help. You can talk here or privately email one of us, or write it down for you gp or the Samaritans. I know from personal experience that addressing and starting to let go of issues from my childhood really really helped me. Also, every day try and take one teeny tiny tiny step towards tackling things. For example, try and ring Samaritans even if you are unable to talk. They will not hang up, they will most probably stay on the line to listen. Even if all you want to do
Is cry.

Xenia Thu 17-Jan-13 09:55:46

Are you still taking all that has been prescribed for you?

You aren't useless. You say you cannot work as you cannot leave the house. You could work from a computer by email if you felt happy enough to try that.

Also do some internet searches on mood and depression and try to make sure you exercise even if it's just jumping up and down around the house as exercise makes people feel happier. Open some windows as fresh air helps. Only eat good whole foods. Those things help lots of people with their moods and feelings and indeed increase seratonin levels to the brain which is what the pills should be doing too.

Keep writing on here. People like to help.

itsnotjustaslap Thu 17-Jan-13 10:50:37

Hello Kiki

I am so sorry you feel like this. I am also in similar shoes and have actively wanted to end my life several times in the last year. I haven't tried; but there are periods when I can think of nothing else and the lure seems irresistible to dissolve into nothingness and escape from a life which seems hopeless.

However, please don't act on your thoughts. Not just for the other people in your life as suicide leaves behind such a wake of devastation; but for the person within you that has potential to go on to experience happiness again, maybe fall in love and go on and even grow old happily. You are still so young. There is so much of your life to experience. If you can imagine yourself as a child; can you look at yourself with compassion? Can you imagine what your dreams and aspirations were back then? That child within you deserves to live and go on to achieve and enjoy life.

Suicide can feel like an option; in fact it may feel like the only option when we feel that we have absolutely no control over our lives; and paradoxically it is like taking control back. However, you do have control over your own life; and sometimes realising that can make you feel better. Suicide is not inevitable; it is a choice.

The other misconception that people have is that if you are suicidal, you feel so all the time. In actual fact, intense suicidal thoughts reach peaks of intensity. I believe studies have shown that these last for approx 40 - 60 mins duration. So basically; when you feel absolutely at your worst; it is recognising that it is your lowest point, and if you can ride it out for half an hour longer or so you will feel better.

I would also say; please tell someone you trust how you feel; I have one trusted friend who I have told when I feel suicidal (my family are really dismissive of mh problems) and please tell your doctor. I know I'm crap and cannot lecture you because I haven't told my GP, family or other friends because I just can't find the words to talk about it... but I know that's not what you should be doing. will get through this. And look back at your life when in a better place and be so glad that you stayed x

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Sat 19-Jan-13 00:59:59

Thank you, everyone.

I wasn't going to update this, because in all honesty, I was mortified at how much I'd shared. This level of emotional outpouring isn't me at all, and I felt really uncomfortable about being too open. I'm normally very closed-off, and that's the best way for me as I panic when people know personal things about me.

I read the replies though, and I felt incredibly rude in not replying and thanking people for their kindness. I know that I'm not a worthwhile person, and that makes it all the more lovely that people have taken the time to reply here, give me such valuable information, and share their own stories.

Thank you all very much.

HiKiki I'm still here if wish to talk

cafecito Sat 19-Jan-13 01:09:52

I'm still here too Kiki

chipmonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 01:18:18

Kiki, no-one here knows who you are and it honestly is a good thing to share feelings.
And I refuse to believe you're not a worthwhile person!

purplecushion Sat 19-Jan-13 01:32:56

Hi op, ive namechanged even though i always namechange so im not able to identify in rl.
I know exactly how u feel cos Im the same, and i force myself through each day. I have zero confidence and am very uncomfortable in social situations like u are.

I dont work either and its not to do with laziness its to do with being terrified of things like that. At school or old jobs I used to get bullied and even people who i thought were my friends seemed to enjoy messing me about.
So dont think you are alone and please dont do anything silly or think that way as life is precious.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Sat 19-Jan-13 01:55:17

You guys are so lovely.

The main problem is I'm an idiot. Seriously, a complete idiot. I can't deal with any kind of (perceived) pressure. I know there is no pressure here, and it's anonymous, but I can't seem to help putting it on myself anyway. Someone said they thought that I was good at writing. I manage to twist that compliment, and make it so that I feel under enormous pressure to maintain/top that. It doesn't help that I don't think I'm any good at anything.
I normally preview a post 3 or 4 times (and yet still only notice typos when I hit post), but now I feel like I need to do it at least 10 times. Even now, I feel stupid and fraudulent because what I've written isn't "good". I'm not intelligent/skilled at anything and I feel fake when people say that I am.

Please don't take this as a 'compliment fishing' exercise. I know that people instinctively want to contradict when someone says they're not good at anything. I can't cope with having people believe/say I'm something I'm not. I know I'm useless. I have long since accepted that. When someone contradicts it, all I feel is pressure to live up to that expectation.

I'm whining again, and it's incredibly pathetic. Every so often, I feel this bravado that makes me want to talk to people. I'll have lost it by the morning, and I'll just feel embarrassed and sorry again.

chipmonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 02:18:51

Kiki, if you think you're no good at anything, it's either because you haven't yet found what you're good at, which, at 26, you have all the time in the world to find out, or your perception of yourself is a lot less favourable than it should be.
Both of which are things that can be changed.
You sound lovely xx

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Sat 19-Jan-13 03:01:49

Thank you chipmonkey, you're very kind. I think it's more positive to think that I just haven't found out what I'm good at yet. Despite attempting Uni twice (and leaving because of anxiety), and wracking my brains to think of something I might be good at. Maybe there just isn't anything, and I'm ok with that.

So many things scare me, and it's exhausting to even think of listing them all. I've tried in the past, and there are always things that elude me. Even just you saying I sound lovely makes me feel so afraid; What if my next post doesn't convey that same emotion? What if you subsequently change your view? I know it's stupid, but I can't deal with people thinking positively of me, because I know that I will inevitably do something to ruin that.

I don't feel like I have all the time in the world. People keep telling me I'm young, but I don't feel it. 26 is practically 30. 30 is almost 40, which is terrifyingly close to 50, and so on. I have images of myself as a 70 year old and it scares me so badly. It feels far more imminent than it actually is. All I can think is that dying before I get to that stage is preferable.

Even if I wanted to express this to my GP, there's no way I could fit all this into a 5 minute appointment.

I just wish I was equipped to cope in the same way as everyone else seems to. I know that other people must have fears, but they manage to deal with them so much more effectively than I do. I am a complete failure.

AgentFelix Sat 19-Jan-13 04:56:23

Hi Kiki, I think it was my post that may have made you feel pressurised wrt writing. I'm very sorry if it was, but I do understand where you're coming from.

When I've been at my lowest points I've felt a lot like you do. I think a lot of us will relate to the way you've explained it.


lemontruffles Sat 19-Jan-13 08:19:58

Hi Kiki

My heart goes out to you.

I can relate to all the things you are saying because I felt like you at your age. (i am now in my early 50s). I completely empathise with your feelings of fear, your lack of confidence, your self harming. And my heart goes out to you.

Also at your age, things changed for me, and I believe that things can change for you too so that you will, eventually, see that you have worth and value, just for being you. I know that might seem impossible now, but it has happened to me, and it can happen to you too.

I believe that your outpouring on here is the 'real' you, the you that wants life, the you that will bring you through this. I also don't think its easy for you to see this now, but, trust me, this is the strong inner real you.

In my case I discovered, through many sessions with and support from an excellent psychologist, that my problems lay within my childhood. Another poster has also suggested this, and this was certainly my experience. It took me a long time to even start to accept that my utter lack of self worth might not be to do with me, but was rooted in the events of my childhood, and especially in my very problematic relationship with my mother.

In retrospect, I have realised that my extreme depression was somehow a 'safer' way to be than trying to face up to the problems with my mother. I don't know why, but it was.

I don't know if any of this chimes with you.

You coming on here, and writing here, shows to me that somewhere inside you you need and want to carry on, but carry on differently to the way you feel now - how to get from here to there is why you're writing: to look for ways forward. That's why people see you as strong. You do have real inner strength to write here, to reach out, to be honest, and that is so hard to do especially when you are feeling so low.


Xenia Sat 19-Jan-13 11:38:03

I don't thin kit's anything to do with whether you are objectively good at things or not (you are bound to be good at things). It is the levels of chemicals in your brain which makes you feel as you do so the solution is to change those which is what the drugs and in some people food/exercise achieves.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Sat 19-Jan-13 13:45:37

Thank you all for replying to me again. I can't quite believe how kind people can be. I am incredibly sorry for using up everyone's time.

I honestly don't know if I have issues from childhood. I've always classed my upbringing as normal, and there aren't any major events that I can pick out as being traumatic. I know there is the chance of these being repressed though. I find it near impossible to talk about feelings/emotions in real life, which is obviously a huge barrier to therapy.
I've tried different forms of therapy before, and it always ends the same way; the therapist ends the sessions because I'm useless at talking. I really struggle with rejection, so past experience with therapy doesn't make me feel inclined to try again. The only reason I've been able to share so much here, is because of the anonymity. I couldn't bear someone in "real life" knowing so many personal things about me. I'm not even completely comfortable talking about it online.

In terms of diet/exercise, health is one of the things I'm obsessively worried over. I exercise a lot, though it is all within the house. I probably spend about two to three hours, spread out over the course of the day, using my exercise bike/cross trainer/yoga dvd/weights.
Food is something that stresses me out a lot. I'm vegan, and I've found over the years that the best way to manage the stress over eating, is to only eat nutritious, 'healthy' foods. I have a very simple diet of probably about 10-15 things that I eat religiously. I would like to not have to eat, purely because of how anxious it makes me, but then I'm equally anxious over not getting the nutrients I need.
I also take the meds that I'm prescribed properly. I'm not comfortable taking them, but I do.

Sorry for waffling. It's all so awfully self-indulgent and whiny too. I'm sorry for being so annoying.

amillionyears Sat 19-Jan-13 14:37:01

Do you eat cabbage or brocolli?
Sorry to sound so trite, but it might just help.

You help people. I dont think you realise quite how much you help people just by posting so openly on here about this subject.

ThisKikiIsMarvellous Sat 19-Jan-13 15:51:13

I eat both cabbage and broccoli, I don't think it sounds trite at all. I'd lumped 'vegetables' into one category of my 10-15 safe foods. The only notable vegetables I don't eat are mushrooms, potatoes and swede. I worked out that, counting 'vegetables' as one, I actually eat lentils, chickpeas, kidney beans, vegetables, soya milk, coffee granules, tinned tomatoes, tomato puree, most herbs and spices, bananas, and very occasionally, brown rice. There are potentially other things I could incorporate, but those are the things I feel comfortable eating. I think that's reasonably healthy.

Being so open on here is making me really paranoid. I'm already worried about being watched, despite me knowing it's an unrealistic fear. I keep my curtains closed all the time so people can't see in. This level of social interaction is exhausting, to be honest. I feel horrible for using up people's time, especially when they're giving it freely. I'm sorry for being so annoying and draining.

I'm incredibly grateful for the amount of time people have spent talking to, and helping, me. I wish I could be that kind and thoughtful, instead of self-centred and lacking in empathy. Talking about these things makes it incredibly apparent that I am a drain; a leech. I am useless, pointless, and I have achieved nothing. I know that talking is supposed to help, but all it does is emphasise to me that the sooner I kill myself, the better.

chipmonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 21:53:29

Kiki, I classed my upbringing as normal; now that I am an adult I can see that although my upbringing was relatively normal, there were aspects of it that weren't.My mother was intermittently negligent, my father was occasionally over-critical. At other times they were fine. It could well be that certain aspects of your childhood have affected the way you think of yourself. Also, I agree with Xenia that sometimes it's chemical. In the same way that diabetes is a chemical problem, so are depression and other mental disorders.
Be persistent. Doctors are as lazy as anyone else. (No disrespect to any doctors!) They won't pursue you to see if meds or counselling are working. You have to let them know if it's not.
Also, age is truly only a number.
If human beings all had six fingers on each hand, more than likely our "decades" would be 12 years long and you'd officially be 22! Don't base your life on arbitrary things like numbers!
You are already doing really well on diet and exercise. You can do better witb the other stuff too.

Xenia Sat 19-Jan-13 21:59:20

It is likely some people love you, relatives etc so I am sure you would be much more of a drain on them if they had to grieve you.

On the initial question there is a moral position that your body is not necessarily your own and that we don't have the right to take our own life. That thought might help you although I accept most people don't agree with that and many think they only have responsibilities to themselves.

The food sounds healthy (although I am an arch carnivore/eggs/fish advocate really). You aren't on junk foods and processed rubbish and white bread which most depression clinics etc recommend you give up and you're taking exercise. If you're doing all that and still want to be dead that suggests you probably need to keep on taking or have adjusted whatever you are on prozac etc.

cafecito Sun 20-Jan-13 01:53:07

what has your weight been like kiki? it's good to eat healthily, that's a brilliant start but do try and get some good fats into your diet too, which is hard if you're vegan. You do sound pretty restrictive though and is the exercise done to obsession? how do you feel if you don't do it?

I only ask because I have really struggled all my life with food/exercise, I was anorexic from childhood and am now a little overweight and I think the exercise thing for me is half because I want to be fit and strong and healthy and it makes me feel so much better afterwards, and is a touch pathological as well - I beat myself up if I don't do it. I haven't exercise since thursday and I feel awful about it, for example.

You're really not alone. I recognise a lot of myself in what you say - I HATE social interaction too, I really do avoid people and then I get more depressed, I even avoid people I actually want to see confused

cafecito Sun 20-Jan-13 01:55:07

and this is me ''well'' - but I have moments when I am happy- I am waffling now, sorry-

I suspect you are very intelligent, how are things in terms of career aspirations - or what do you actually enjoy doing? do you have a hobby that lights you up inside even if it's only a brief flicker of enjoyment?

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