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depressed or bipolar im a mess.

(11 Posts)
hellokittybaby Mon 14-Jan-13 20:08:52

i am due to see gp on wednesday after much begging from dh. im going to try and get as much down but i fear it wont make much sense.
i have suffered from depression on and off for years. over xmas i spent december constantly crying and had migraine headaches. im self employed with a retail business that looks set to close in nect few months. my mum was helping me through dec in the shop and when i would get upset id swear and shout at her which makes me feel shit.

i lose my temper so quickly, i feel like two people sometimes. i can be fine one minute then shouting at the dc for no good reason. i constantly threaten to leave dh. i feel like i habe always been like this. quick to lose my temper like a flicked switch, but in the same breath i can lose it amd return to normality just as quick.

when in a state of anger i have conversations of real anger and hatred in my head. then have to almost snap myself out of it to realise its not real.

im ashamed to say i have massive debts, about 7grand at the minute. dh only knows about 2 of it. ive been bailed out of nearly 15grands worth of debt by my parents (i have always paid it back) in the last 10 years. its like i have no self control and just think i'll worry about it later.

im also ashamed that from about 19 years i slept with anyone that showed a spark of interest in me. im so disgusted in myself. again my dh knows nothing of this. ive always had issues with how i look. this past year ive lost nearly 3stone thinking it may help me with my body issues bit if anything its made them worse. my stomach and boobs make me feel sick, it
think if anything i look worse thin than i did fat.

my marriage is close to ending. i have no desire to slerp with my dh and go from being completely in love with him to wanting to leave him.

im seeking help now because i hate the way i am around my children. they dont deserve to be shouted at, im scared if i say all this to my gp my beautiful children will be taken away. ive contemplated suicide but the thought is gone as quickly as it comes, i could never do that to my children.

what is wrong with me?

hellokittybaby Mon 14-Jan-13 20:09:58

i meant to add after reafing some of the bipolar threads on here i did a few online tests that all suggest this.

MrsWolowitz Tue 15-Jan-13 18:58:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupandtired Tue 15-Jan-13 21:13:17

MrsW - bipolar varies greatly from person to person and from episode to episode. My moods can go from one extreme to the next in a day and they can also last weeks. It's very variable and unpredictable.

MrsWolowitz Wed 16-Jan-13 09:04:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellokittybaby Sat 19-Jan-13 00:11:57

thank you for replying to my post. i went to my gp with a list of what i mentioned above, and more.

i was asked to do 2 questionaires which suggest severe anxiety & depression. unfortunately my gp hasnt put me forward for councelling or given me medication. instead she has asked me to go back in 2 weeks as she said 'some people feel better just from talking about it.'

this has just made me feel worse. i know meds dont work straight away but i went there in the hope that the ball might at least get rolling but instead im sat in despair wondering how i'll.get through the next 2 weeks.

anonymum11 Sat 19-Jan-13 00:30:22

I'd suggest going back to your gp sooner than the two weeks, and perhaps asking to see a different gp if possible. You should be able to get a referral for counselling/medication on one visit, especially given the history of it.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

holstenlips Sat 19-Jan-13 00:30:41

Hellokitty i have some experience of this and can relate to your symptoms. You must be feeling terrible, im sorry.
Please go back to the gp. You may well benefit from some medication. Or ask for a referral to a psych team locally. I did this, i was not judged and my dcs were not taken from me.
I now take an antidepressant and after 6 weeks feel a whole lot better. Im not medically trained obv but you defo need more support. Take care and dont give up.

WithanAnotE Sat 19-Jan-13 16:53:19

Some of the things you describe sound a little like BPD?
Check out the Borderline Personality Disorder thread on here (if only to rule this out).
Also, ask some of the posters on this thread their thoughts too.

sweetestB Sat 19-Jan-13 21:51:34

Hi, I feel and act the same, extreme anger over nothing, thoughts of being better dead or killing someone, lack of sexual feelings, and I also over react massively and feel guilty and bad afterwards. Definitely go and see another GP. Mine asked for 3 blood tests and put me forward for MH issues investigation. Just knowing that I'm doing something to change and there is help out there makes a difference on my day to day life. I still have outburst, but I feel I can control myself more and can focus on the positive things just by knowing proper help is on its way. I'm awaiting for blood test results and have an assessment schedule which I'm looking forward to. Take care.

hellokittybaby Tue 22-Jan-13 19:39:13

Thank you for replying to me. What wouldte 'symptoms' of bpd be? Should i ask gp to test me for it? What blood tests would i neef?

Things are getting worse. After doing SA for my business, ive done tc calculator as we're now pushed in to next threshold by 1000, we've been overpaid massively. I also am now 100% sure they didnt reduce our payments when i cancelled my ds childcare so looking at about 6000. Ive been sick,.have diahorrea (tmi) and cant stop shaking. Its all such a mess. I dont want to die but i want to get my kids and run away.

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