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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 19-Jun-13 12:37:55

So glad it's going straightforwardly with the car. At least that is one thing less to fill your brain. I think being worried about yourself is not too bad a sign, it shows you still have insight. And although your path to recovery may not be easy, it does seem to be there in front of you and there are people around to help.

How is DP, btw?

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 23-Jun-13 13:55:21

You OK, fluffy?

SnowyMouse Sun 23-Jun-13 16:24:31

I've been thinking of you too.

fluffydressinggown Sun 23-Jun-13 22:32:48

I am ok yes. Trying to have a positive mental attitude and engage with work with people and all that shit. Going to book a holiday soon and have some nice things to look forward to so stuff to focus on in the short term smile

SunshineBossaNova Sun 23-Jun-13 22:34:31

Glad you're okay fluffy x

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 23-Jun-13 23:56:26

You sound like you are starting to succeed at the positive mental attitude smile Hope you are going somewhere nice...

kizzie Mon 24-Jun-13 21:38:26

Lovely to hear you are planning a holiday :-)

SnowyMouse Tue 25-Jun-13 13:44:47

How's it going fluffy ?

fluffydressinggown Tue 25-Jun-13 22:39:38

Had a bad day today, lots of tears. I just feel like a huge waste of space, a burden on everyone. And sometimes I feel so pointless and alone and all sorts of horrid things.

Taking it easy and having a quiet week.

SunshineBossaNova Tue 25-Jun-13 23:37:50

I'm sorry you feel like that fluffy. It sounds crappy.

Big hugs and some flowers. Be kind to yourself xxx

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 26-Jun-13 00:06:11

Hope it's a blip and that you feel a bit better tomorrow. Taking it easy is the way to go. x

SnowyMouse Wed 26-Jun-13 11:38:28

Hugs Fluffy

fluffydressinggown Fri 28-Jun-13 14:41:29

I have started the risperidone again at a much lower dose (0.5 a day instead of 4) and seeing how that goes.

I am only taking it at night as well.

I am a bit tired but nothing too much, bit nervous about it all.

SnowyMouse Fri 28-Jun-13 17:10:48

I hope it helps you fluffy, hang on in there.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 28-Jun-13 21:05:53

That sounds good, hopefully it will do its job and you won't have the tiredness. Are you going to bed and getting up at regular times, or are you more flexible with naps, like me? (am lucky in that I am retired, so this is feasible)

fluffydressinggown Mon 01-Jul-13 00:00:50

Well have not had any terrible side effects on 0.5, I am taking it at about 8ish. Painfully aware that I am on 1/8th of the dose though and very scared about upping it and becoming zombie-like again.

Seeing my CPN to do my risk and relapse plan which is always a bit scary but needs doing.

Holiday plans are continuing and I have some nice stuff coming up (including my birthday which I never thought I would see) so trying to focus on that. I have ups and downs but I am here and that is enough for now.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 01-Jul-13 00:22:55

Hiya! I see you were still up 18 min ago, I may be staying up awhile yet, though not too long as am trying not to mess up sleep cycle too much! Will set alarm and radio for 9ish.

Your post sounds very promising. I had a lovely day, perfect June weather (for the NE! warm and mostly sunny with a nice breeze) and a walk by the river. And a fantastic rainbow just as the sun was setting.

SnowyMouse Mon 01-Jul-13 17:07:18

Thinking of you Fluffy

fluffydressinggown Tue 02-Jul-13 14:23:19

When I saw my CPN on Monday she asked me to think about the work I want to do with her over the next few months. Since I was discharged from hospital we have been doing admin type stuff, care plans, risk and relapse plan, getting me through the hurdle of coming home and now I have to start to tackle the hard stuff. Which is terrifying and scary and what do I talk about?

I think maybe I want to talk about fear, about how scared I am about everything. What if everything goes to shit when I talk about the hard stuff, what if I can't cope?

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Jul-13 14:39:22

Your CPN is there, not only to explore these things with you, but to keep you safe while you are doing it. I used to see mine for an hour every month, prob less than you? - even in that time she got to know and understand a little of my story. Psychs tend not to do that so much (they don't have the time for one thing, and being doctors they lean towards the drug managment side of things), so it's part of the CPN's job.

coxspippin Tue 02-Jul-13 15:08:32

hope you may get on with your CPN and psychologist- hope they are caring towards you fluffy.( i too wonder/ worry what to say with the psychologist but i'm ok with the CPN.) good wishes.

fluffydressinggown Tue 02-Jul-13 23:40:34

Reading that back I think it sounds a little like I am new to working with my CPN, I have been seeing her for an hour a week since last June, although nearly half of that time has been spend in hospital but she used to see me in hospital as well.

I just get this huge block, like, I know I have things to say but somehow I am never sure what to say.

She knows me pretty well, sometimes I think she must really regret taking me on her caseload because I am a paperwork nightmare! Since she took me on I have had two admissions (and she took me on during the admission before them), been sectioned, had crisis team involvement three times, cut myself to pieces, tried to kill myself a lot, had about 4 billion meetings about me. I am a hassle!

I am just scared, scared of what opening the flood gates means. I am already loopy enough, why add to it? But then if I don't talk everything explodes anyway.

I keep thinking about cutting and I won't because I am trying so hard to give myself this chance.

Bed time I think!

SunshineBossaNova Wed 03-Jul-13 12:37:29

Hello lovely

My mum was a CPN for years and she loved helping people. I'm sure your CPN doesn't think you're a paperwork nightmare, she's probably happy that you're home and doing better.

As others have said, she will be there to support you as well as talking with you.

Massive hugs to you, well done for not cutting flowers

coxspippin Wed 03-Jul-13 14:42:27

sorry fluffy, i didn't know that about your CPN. i too hope you may keep from cutting.

fluffydressinggown Mon 08-Jul-13 20:22:35

Well we booked a holiday to Greece so I have something to focus on. I am a bit up and down, sometimes I feel so low and other times I feel ok. Had a nice weekend with family which was lovely.

I am seeing someone from the specialist PD service on Wednesday and seeing my MIL (who I have issues with) on Tuesday, stressful week.

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